Double Entendres
by SkyeRose
Summary: A bunch of moments we didn't get to see in the show where our favorite team and co. say some...dirty...things without meaning to. Much better than it sounds, I promise. Read the warning in the beginning. Sam/Jack! A bit of Dan/Jan!
1. Awkward Beginning

Double Entendres

**Double Entendres**

**Disclaimer: Only my horrible humor is mine.**

**WARNING!! The jokes and double meanings in this fic can get very dirty. Very, very, very, very, very dirty…so if you guys don't like the slapstick-ish vulgar humor, then you shouldn't read this. I'm going to be safe and say that no one under fifteen should read this. If you are under fifteen and you read it and find it offensive…please don't flame me. I warned you. That's all I can do. ******

**A/N: So, I came up with this at…an ungodly hour. I was very tired and nearly laughed myself to tears when I came up with this. Pathetic, I know. Laughing at my own damn idea. LOL.**

**This is just little snippets of what we didn't see in the show. Not from any particular episodes…most of the situations were created in my…uh, mind. A bunch of those uncomfortable little moments where we wish we could literally eat our words. Even our perfect SG-1 has those imperfect, yet perfectly hilarious moments.**

**So…I suck at funny, but I hope I get a few giggles. Ha! May even make a few people blush! I certainly did…and I was the one writing it!**

**BTW: Moments are unrelated; sorry if they seem a little…discordant.**

**ENJOY!! (We'll start off a little tame, kay?)**

SG-1 sat at the briefing room table waiting for General Hammond to join them. They could see him in his office talking on the phone. Not the red phone, mind you, but the regular old black phone. Yeah…no presidential damning today.

Jack surveyed the other occupants at the table. They worked well together…even if they'd only been on five missions. Jack shook his head slightly, his eyes landing on his second in command and the only other military officer on the team. Captain Samantha Carter.

Her chin was resting gently on the back of her hand and her eyes were focused on the report in front of her. For the first time since he'd met her she looked relaxed. The familiar straight-back posture she usually had was replaced with a less severe, but still respectable posture. A few stray pieces of her hair tickled her brow and she absently blew them back into place.

Damn, she was adorable.

As if feeling his gaze she glanced up. Instead of straightening up and clearing her throat as she often did when he looked at her, she remained in her current position and gave him a small, lazy smile. One, he recognized, that he gave her often.

Oh, boy.

Jack had known he was hosed the minute she had stepped up to the table, all fire and passion. But, it would pass…right? Unfortunately for him, he didn't think so. Life seemed to like playing cruel jokes on Jack O'Neill…and Captain Carter was the next one.

Damn.

Still smiling softly, Sam tore her gaze from the colonel's and reached for the water pitcher. Sighing, she realized that it was on the other side of the table. Standing half-way up, balanced on her toes her hand barely grazed the handle. She saw the amused smirk on her CO's face and groaned inwardly. Expecting him to lean back and watch her struggle with the pitcher she was utterly surprised when he shooed her hand away; fingers lightly brushing her own. Ignoring the completely inappropriate thoughts that sprang to her mind she glanced at him, confused.

He gave her a genuine smile. "I'll fill you up, Carter." He spoke slowly, still amused.

Sam froze and Daniel glanced up sharply from his report, staring at Jack in disbelief. Teal'c cocked his head and raised an eyebrow…which could mean anything. He raised his eyebrow at almost everything and SG-1 had yet to sort out the various meanings.

Jack paused sensing the sudden heavy silence in the room. He glanced at his teammate and, gulping, turned to look at the General's office door.

Which was wide open.

With a very red-faced general standing on the threshold.

Looking back at Sam's surprised blue gaze, his words caught up to him. _'I'll fill you up, Carter.'_ He blanched. While very tame as far in the way as double meanings go…they were two Air Force officers. And the frat regs clearly stated against _anything_ sexual in meaning…no matter how innocuous.

Crap.

"Carter…" he started, then looked back at the still cherry-faced general. "Sir, I…that wasn't what it…what I mean is that I…" he took a deep breath, forcing himself back into his cool, composed military persona. Smiling slightly, he leaned back. "General, sir. Didn't see you there."

Whether it was Jack's lack of remorse or his lack of standing as a superior officer entered the room…the general's face turned a dangerous shade of purple.

"General Hammond." Teal'c stated calmly. "I believe it would be wise if you inhaled."

The general glanced at Teal'c and slowly turned back to a normal shade, as though the big man's sedate demeanor had worn off on him. Turning to give the colonel one last glare he stopped midway. The colonel was looking at his second; no hint of an apology in his eyes. A 'cat ate the canary' grin played across his lips and Sam was flushing quite noticeably.

The general shook his head and seated himself at the head of the table. _'I have a feeling that those two are going to be a handful…'_

………………………………………………………………………………………………

**A/N: This is a new segment. I probably won't put two together in one chapter again, but since this is the first chapter…I really gotta sell it. LOL. Uh, this ones pretty tame too. I wanna kinda ease you guys into this…LOL. They also probably won't be as long as the first either, but…knowing me, they could end up being longer.**

**ENJOY!!**

Jack felt himself jerk as he realized that he was falling asleep again. Normally, he wouldn't have a problem with dropping off, but…the briefing room table probably wasn't the best place to do that. Especially when a certain general was watching. Glancing around wearily, he saw that the General was the only one completely awake.

Besides Teal'c, of course. But, then again, he always looked alert.

Daniel was still talking about the mission, but his voice was thick with exhaustion. His eyes were half-lidded and his words were slightly slurred. Jack completely understood. The mission had been a doozy. They managed to make friends with the local people…and turn them into bloodthirsty enemies all in the same day. They had tried to resolve the conflict peacefully…but had ended up tranquilizing half the village just so they could run the seven miles back to the stargate. The tranqs hadn't been Jack's idea…but Daniel and a slightly more hesitant Carter had argued. They had won eventually…though he knew that once Carter got involved there was no way he could say no.

'_Speaking of Carter…'_ Jack's eyes wandered to his second. He was surprised to find her looking back at him. Her blue eyes were dark with fatigue and heavy-lidded. They also held a certain amount of pleading in them. Jack would have smiled…if he had had the energy. Instead, he continued to look in her eyes, mustering up all of his strength so he wouldn't drown in them. _'Man…I must really be tired. I really shouldn't be staring at Carter like this.'_ Jack laughed silently. _'Hell, forget staring. I'm flat-out gawking.'_

Sam cocked her head, an unreadable expression filling her eyes. He smiled at her reassuringly before turning his head to the general.

"And we all lived happily ever after. Right, Daniel?" Jack said with more strength than he felt. Daniel nodded gratefully, uncaring that he had been interrupted. General Hammond looked at Jack, unsurprised.

"Alright, colonel. Seeing as Dr. Jackson has been telling me the same information for the last ten minutes," Daniel flushed, embarrassed. "I think it would be in your team's best interests to continue this briefing tomorrow."

They all nodded gratefully and stood up as he dismissed them. Jack glanced back at his second and smiled in amusement. She was literally swaying on her feet. Her eyes met his again and she blushed, immediately straightening.

Jack was caught between wanting to laugh and wanting to shout. After a year and some, one would think she would stop feeling the need to prove herself to him. Lord knew, he respected her more than she could understand. He could never think she was weak.

Stepping away from the table he turned back to his brilliant 2IC. "Come on, Carter. Let's go to bed."

Daniel spluttered on the water he was drinking and Teal'c raised an eyebrow, clearly telling O'Neill that he was an idiot. General Hammond paused in his doorway, but kept walking after a moment; deciding it would be best just to ignore that.

Sam, however, blushed a deeper shade of pink and averted her eyes. A barely suppressed smile fought to gain control of her mouth.

Eyes widening, Jack looked between all three of them, eyes lingering on Carter. "That…didn't come out right." He didn't bother apologizing. He knew it would come out…wrong. Instead, he offered Sam a bright smile.

She smiled back and a glint of mischief flashed in her eyes. "Yes, sir."

Daniel shook his head and wondered at his two friends. Sometimes they could be so…dense.

**TBC**

**A/N: Please R&R!! And…they get dirtier after this. (Insert evil laugh here.)**


	2. Open Mouth Insert Foot

Chapter 2: Open Mouth

**Chapter 2: Open Mouth. Insert Foot.**

**Disclaimer: Bad humor is all mine, baby. Unfortunately, nothing else is.**

**A/N: Thank you to all who reviewed! I don't think I've ever gotten that many reviews on one chapter! LOL. So, here's some more lovely double entendres. A little raunchier, but still not too bad. Age limit and warning still stand.**

**Yay! So Sam gets to say some…dirty things!**

**ENJOY!!**

Sam tapped her fingers on the table in tune to the music blaring from her outside speakers as she waited for the cookies to finish cooling off. She and Janet were throwing Cassie a middle school graduation party. Half the base was there; including Daniel, Teal'c, and a certain colonel. A colonel that she couldn't even allow herself to think about. They'd been on the same team for a little over two years. She had known that she was doomed from the moment she saw him…but she'd hoped that her _feelings_ would go away.

No such luck.

In fact, her feelings for Jack O'Neill had intensified, throwing her deeper into the throes of a painful…something. She knew what she felt had a name, but she couldn't even allow herself to think it. If she acknowledged it, she may not be able to keep everything inside. She might just shout those three little words the next time she saw him.

And that wasn't acceptable.

Deciding that leaving herself alone with her thoughts any longer was perhaps the worst idea imaginable, she quickly placed the cookies on a plate and turned to go outside. A small woman with a happily smug expression stopped her in her tracks.

"Jesus, Janet!" Sam said, flushing guiltily. _'Why the hell am I guilty? I haven't done anything!'_ "Any closer and I would have dumped these cookies all over you and the floor!"

Janet continued to grin, but took a step back. "You were thinking about…_that_…again, weren't you?" she phrased it as a question, but she already knew the answer.

"No." Sam flushed again and stepped around the persistent doctor.

"Sam." Janet frowned and dogged her heels.

"Maybe." Sam sighed. "Yes." She rolled her eyes as Janet clapped.

"I knew it!" Janet touched Sam's elbow to turn the woman around.

Sam stopped and turned, eyebrows raised in mock-annoyance. "Yeah, yeah."

Janet smiled kindly. "Sam…maybe you should do something about…_that_."

"Like what, Janet? My hands are tied." Sam shrugged nonchalantly, like it didn't mean all that much to her.

Janet sighed and took the cookies from Sam's hand. "Sam--,"

"Janet." Sam cut her off warningly.

Janet considered her friend, staring at the officer hard. After a moment she sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "Alright. I'll let it go." Sam breathed a sigh of relief. "For now." Janet smiled and walked past Sam without another word, leaving the blonde Captain to stare after her, frustrated.

Sam followed Janet a minute later, closing the sliding glass door behind her. She smiled and waved at Cassie who was sitting next to Daniel and talking animatedly. The teen waved back, not pausing her conversation. Sam smiled and shook her head. Daniel gave her a smile and waved too before turning back to the girl.

"Have I told you how much I appreciate you hosting this party at your house?" Janet said, also watching Daniel and her daughter. Sam noticed the slight flush to her friend's cheeks when Daniel waved to her.

"Only a hundred times."

"Well, now it's a hundred and one." Janet nudged her playfully. "Thank you for doing this."

"Janet, you and Cassie are like family to me. Plus, no way would all these people fit in your apartment." Sam nudged Janet back. "Hell, they barely fit in my _house_."

Janet laughed and glanced around. The yard was indeed teeming with military officers and children a few had brought. "You might be right about that." Janet conceded, shooting an amused smile at Sam.

"Might be?" a voice from behind them said. "Carter's never wrong." Jack flashed the two women a bright smile, but the glow was directed at Sam. He would never admit that, though.

"Except when I am, sir." Sam countered, heart suddenly pounding in her chest. Jack gave her a look that clearly said 'oh, please.' Sam shrugged, but smiled despite herself. "What? I can be wrong, sir."

Jack snorted and Janet shook her head. "Not likely." He smiled at her faint exasperation and embarrassment and opened his mouth to say something else when Cassie called out to him.

"Jack! Jack, where's Toby's leash?" Cassie called from where she still sat with Daniel. Toby was the dog that Jack had gotten her when she first came to Earth.

"It's inside, over by the--," Jack broke off with an apologetic smile at Sam. "I'll get it!" When Cassie nodded he threw Sam and Janet another smile and turned back to the house. Sam had to admit; he looked right at home on her porch. She could get used to seeing him there…she shook her head in a futile attempt to clear it.

Nope. Not like she actually thought it would work.

"Oh, Carter!" Jack called turning back to her, walking backwards towards the house. "Delivery guy came by a few minutes ago with a package! I signed for ya; hope ya don't mind!" he was shouting to be heard over the music.

"Delivery?" Janet asked.

Sam shrugged. "Thank you, sir!" she shouted back.

He nodded. "He left it on your back porch away from," he shot the party-goers a look. "Prying eyes!" Jack smiled. "I wasn't sure what you wanted to do with it, so I left it there!" He had reached the door.

"It's okay, sir!" Sam yelled. She didn't notice Teal'c reaching for the volume knob, glowering impressively at the teenagers who had turned it up. They backed away quickly, raising their hands in surrender. Teal'c twisted the knob violently, sending the yard into unexpected silence.

A silence that didn't immediately register with Sam.

"You can just shove it in through my back door!" Sam shouted loudly enough to carry across her entire yard. The first thought that came afterwards was that that had made no sense. It wasn't like she had a doggie-door or anything.

The second was that it was suddenly very quiet.

The third was the heart-dropping, stomach-sinking sensation that came with the knowledge of what double meaning her words had had.

Jack stared at her in complete shock for what felt like a full minute. Then he burst out laughing and, suddenly, everyone else was doubled over in laughter as well. Sam felt her cheeks burn and wished that the ground would just open up and swallow her. This had to be the most embarrassing moment of her life. She had just screamed for her CO to shove _it_ through her _back door_. In front of most of her co-workers no less. Oh, Holy Hannah!

Sam stuttered something about getting more chips before bolting towards her house. Jack, who was leaning on her porch-rail for support and wiping his eyes, saw her half-running, half-jogging towards the door behind him. Her head was down and what little he could see of her face was red. As she made to run around him, he reached out and caught her upper arms.

She kept her head down and refused to meet his eyes. "I have to get more chips." She said in a voice barely above a whisper.

"Hey, Carter." He said gently, releasing her. As much as he didn't want to…he couldn't _hold_ her in front of his co-workers. He couldn't hold her at all. She met his eyes briefly before glancing down at her shoes again. Her eyes reflected embarrassment and a silent apology. "Don't worry." His voice was low and sincere.

When she looked at him again, her cheeks significantly less red, he smiled and cleared his throat. "Besides," he said loudly and shrugged his shoulders in a cocky manner. "You're not the first woman to tell me to do that." Without another word he turned and disappeared into her living room.

He was kidding. She knew he was just messing with her, but her cheeks flamed red again and she ducked her head as she ran the rest of the way to her kitchen.

Someday…that man was gonna pay.

**TBC**

**A/N: Hope you guys liked it! More tomorrow! Please R&R!**


	3. Of Bets and Non Regrets

Chapter 3: Of Bets and Non-regrets

**Chapter 3: Of Bets and Non-regrets**

**Disclaimer: Same deal as before.**

**A/N: Thank you very much!! I'm glad you guys are liking this so far! **

**This next one isn't that bad. Very cliché actually. I'm saving the really…something…ones for later. LOL. So, I'm putting two in this one 'cause they are along the same lines and it didn't make sense to do them as separate chapters. So…when you see the long line of dots (LOL) it's a new segment.**

**ENJOY!!**

Jack glared at the archaeologist, looking for any sign of weakness. Daniel glared right back, his mouth in a smug smile and arms folded across his chest. He leaned back in his commissary chair and raised his eyebrow, mimicking Teal'c.

Jack was getting bored. He would never admit defeat…but he'd never win if they just sat there staring.

"Lemme see it." He repeated for what felt like the hundredth time.

Daniel shook his head. "Nope."

"Daniel." Jack said in a warning tone.

"Jack." Daniel copied his inflection.

"_Daniel_."

"_Jack_."

"Dammit, Daniel! I'm not gonna break it!" Jack banged his fist on the table, sending Daniel's coffee mug crashing to the floor. Jack winced, but appreciated the irony all the same.

Daniel raised his eyebrows and looked pointedly at the shattered mug, then back up at Jack. His smile grew.

"That's…different." Jack averted his eyes.

Daniel cleared his throat. "No."

"No?" Jack repeated sarcastically.

"No." Daniel shrugged.

"I just want to see it." Jack blinked innocently at his friend.

"I. Don't. Care." Daniel spoke slowly and deliberately with the tone of someone who had been repeating himself for over an hour. He shifted as a member of the cleaning staff hurriedly swept up the broken ceramic. "No way are you getting your hands on that artifact."

The artifact in question had been in Daniel's possession for nearly a week and the colonel had been bugging Daniel about it for just as long. It had only been mildly irritating the first two days. Now it was beyond infuriating.

But, Daniel kept the annoyance out of his tone. Mostly.

"But, Daniel! Your "artifact," or whatever, lets people create their daydreams…what was the word Carter used?" He paused, pulling a face as he tried to remember. "Right. Tangibly."

"Yep." Daniel grinned.

Jack looked beseechingly at Daniel. "Oh, come on. Just let me use it. Just once." He gave the archaeologist his best puppy dog eyes. "Please?"

Daniel wagged a finger at him. "Nuh-uh. I'm not Sam; that won't work on me." He high-fived himself inwardly. He loved to mess with Jack and Sam. He and Teal'c had been prodding them subtly to just screw the regs for the last three years. Daniel knew it would never work; they had too much military honor.

But it was still fun as hell to watch them get flustered.

Jack's eyes betrayed no hint of emotion, but his voice was almost petulant as he spoke. "Wrong. Doesn't work on Carter either. She's too damn smart."

Daniel bit back a grin. "Still," he continued. "No."

"Daniel--!" the colonel started, but Daniel cut him off; he was tired of this.

"Jack, what would you do with it anyway? The device doesn't create a daydream, it only enhances what you can already think of." Jack looked like he was going to interrupt so Daniel raised a hand and pressed on firmly. "Besides, the 'dream' is still in your head. You can't actually _touch_ anything."

"But, Carter--," Jack tried, but Daniel cut him off again.

"Sam said that it makes the daydream seem tangible. The device only makes you feel like you're actually experiencing the fantasy firsthand." Daniel waited for Jack's reaction. When the older man remained silent Daniel frowned and squinted his eyes suspiciously. "But you already knew that." Daniel shook his head. Of course Jack already knew that. As dumb as he pretended to be, he always listened to Sam. And, more often that not, she would explain things to him in a way that she knew he would understand.

Jack grinned shamelessly. "Yep."

Feeling slightly peeved, Daniel's eyes glittered mischievously. "What fantasy would you use the device to…enhance…Jack?" He spoke slowly, choosing his words carefully.

Jack flinched inwardly. No way could he tell Daniel what he wanted to do with that artifact. Hell, he couldn't even admit it to himself. It had to do with a certain off-limits major and—_'No! Uh-uh. Won't. Think. About. It.'_ He cut off his thoughts.

Daniel smirked. He knew exactly what Jack was planning on doing with that artifact. Though…he refused to allow his mind to review any details.

"I'd…make my own episode of the Simpsons." Jack said brightly, like his mind hadn't been elsewhere and this was his intention all along.

"Uh-huh." Daniel said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Or," Jack said loudly, ignoring the obvious disbelief. "I'd imagine I was in Minnesota…fishing." His mind wandered again, but he snapped it back to the PG-rated present quickly. "With beer. Lots of beer."

"Right." Daniel said lightly, though his eyes showed that he was anything but believing. Standing up, he grabbed his tray and made to leave the commissary.

"Daniel!" Jack called as the younger man cleared his tray and pushed open the doors.

"No, Jack!" Daniel shouted without turning around, pausing with the doors still open. "It really is a fascinating piece of technology and I don't want you to break it!"

Jack huffed wanting to argue. But…truth be told, he _would_ probably break it. Still…think of the possibilities…

"Fine!" Jack said also standing, uncaring of the stares he and Daniel's raised voices had elicited. "If you don't believe me ask Carter! She knows how good I am with my hands!"

Daniel spun to face Jack, barely contained mirth written all over his face. The entire commissary had Jack pinned with their eyes.

Jack's eyes widened as he realized what it sounded like he meant. "I mean…" he cast around for a better way to phrase it. "Carter knows how good I am at holding things."

This time Daniel didn't even bother to try to hide his amusement. He laughed loudly and was soon followed by the rest of the listeners. Jack flushed out of frustration and embarrassment.

"What I _meant_ was--," he tried again, but Daniel stopped him.

Breathless from laughing so hard Daniel took a minute to compose himself. Wiping at his eyes he said, "Jack, don't. We all know what you meant." Daniel waggled his eyebrows suggestively and left the commissary without another word.

Leaving behind a very embarrassed Jack.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

It was bright. Too bright. Too fuzzy. Too dry.

Where the hell was she?

Sam opened her eyes and fought against the heavy pull of pain. She was in absolute agony. Pain reverberated through every muscle in her body, making the simplest of tasks torture. She looked around. All her eyes registered was white.

White. White. White.

It was like those blank rooms in movies that people are shown in after they've died. Limbo, or whatever. No windows, no doors, no color, no air.

God, she was suffocating. She couldn't draw a proper breath and could hear the air rushing out of the room.

'_Am I dead?'_ The question played over and over in her head. No, this wasn't right. She didn't remember dying. But the pain…

She squeezed her eyes shut and took as deep a breath as she could. She was surprised when the air willingly filled her lungs. The agony was still there, however, and she had the worst feeling that something was horribly, terribly wrong.

Her eyes snapped open and gratefully took in the calming hues of the forest. Muted mossy greens and pastel blues of water and sky. The dark brown of the soft earth and trunks of the trees. Smells rushed into her nose as well. Deep, earthy scents that immediately made her feel peaceful and calm. It smelled like the moments before a summer rainstorm.

But there was something else too. Metallic and stinging to her nostrils…blood. She smelled blood and the acrid odor of burning flesh. After a moment of nervous curiousness, sounds began to register with her.

Screams bounced off the trees and flew higher than the leaves at the topmost branches.

Terrified screams.

Anguished screams.

Her screams.

Her throat stung as the sounds tearing from her ripped the soft tissue to shreds. She could feel the skin around her eyes tighten as she screwed up her face against the pain that radiated through her entire body. Another pain, something of a less tangible kind, scraped her mind.

Shouts began to fill her consciousness too. Her name. Someone was calling her name.

Daniel.

Daniel and Teal'c. They were calling for her. She tried to answer, but all that came out was a raspy cry. She could feel something under her hands. Something warm and sticky.

Blood.

Sam looked down, knowing even as she did that it was over. There was no turning back. Her body was alive and kicking, but _she_ was dead.

Dead because _he_ was too. Jack…Oh, God. _Her_ Jack was gone.

"NO!" Sam screamed louder than she'd ever screamed in her life and bolted upright. Her hands clenched the sheets as she kicked out, trying to run. Run from the impossible. She was aware of the hands holding her down and voices saying her name.

This wasn't right…

Sam blinked as the infirmary came into focus. The lights above her were suddenly obscured as a face swam into view. A familiar face with worried eyes.

"Janet?" Sam rasped. Holy Hannah, her throat hurt.

"Hey." Her friend said, breaking into a relieved smile. "That must have been a helluva nightmare."

"Nightmare…?" Sam blinked. That's right…SG-1 had been on P4C…something. Her sleep-sodden brain couldn't quite remember where they had been. All she remembered was that they had drunk some of the planet's water and then…nothing. "What happened?" Sam asked through dry, sticky lips.

Janet handed her a glass of water and she sat up, gulping the liquid down gratefully. "You and Daniel had an adverse reaction to the water on the planet. You've been out for awhile."

"Me and Daniel?" Sam frowned. "What about the colonel and Teal'c?"

"Well, we think Teal'c's symbiote protected him and the colonel never got a chance to drink the water. You knocked the canteen out of his hands before he could take a sip." Janet smiled inwardly. Leave it to Sam to help someone even as she's about to pass out. Though, Janet had no doubt that the colonel, being who he was, had a definite impact on her last conscious act. She knew Sam was head over heels and she was just as sure the colonel felt the same.

Damn those regulations.

"But…our canteens have our own water in them. Not the planet's. Why…oh." Sam remembered Daniel draining his canteen within the first four hours on the planet. He drank a lot when his allergies kicked in.

The colonel had taken the newly filled canteen from Daniel, too lazy to get his own out of his pack and…

"Oh." Sam repeated.

Janet smiled. "Yeah. Anyway, he carried you back through the stargate and Teal'c carried Daniel."

Sam's only response was a slight blush in her cheeks and the feeling of faint irony. Why the hell did she have to be unconscious when the colonel had carried her? Her luck really sucked.

Janet stopped herself from commenting on the flush in her friend's cheeks. Sure, when they were off base she could tease Sam about her _predicament_ all she wanted, but…under the mountain she had to remain somewhat professional.

"How're you feeling?" Janet smiled at the major kindly.

"I'm fine, Janet." Sam tried to infuse as much strength into her voice as she could. She knew that Janet would see right through it though. That nightmare had really shaken her up. It had been too real. "How's Daniel?" _'Good.'_ Sam mentally congratulated herself. _'Change the subject. You know Janet can't resist talking about Daniel.'_

Something flashed through the doctor's eyes, but it was gone before Sam could read it.

"He's alright. Woke up about an hour ago. He was also having a nightmare." Janet replied.

"Oh?" Janet's eyes snapped to Sam's. She had sounded exactly like Colonel O'Neill when she said that. _'Which isn't a bad thing.'_

"Yeah. Apparently, whatever is in that water is a strong hallucinogen. Brings out fears and such." Janet frowned to herself. "Lab came back a few hours ago, but whatever the substance was, your body absorbed it already."

Sam nodded. "So, I'm fine? Daniel's fine?"

"Yep. So far as I can tell you're both in perfect health." Janet smiled and hugged her clipboard to her chest.

"Great! So I can leave?" Sam raised her eyebrows hopefully.

Janet hesitated. "I don't know. I have half a mind to keep you overnight—make sure there are no residual effects."

"Oh, come on, Janet! You said it yourself. I'm in perfect health. Please?" Sam pouted, causing Janet to laugh and whack her arm lightly.

"Still…I want you to tell me if you have any more nightmares like that." Janet was caving. She really didn't have a good reason to keep her there. It was just…her dream must have been so bad. The way she had been thrashing and screaming…

"Thank you!" Sam smiled brightly, but, upon seeing the worry in her friends' face, sobered. "Janet, I'm fine. I've had nightmares before. Just ask the colonel. He knows how I am in bed."

Janet's eyes widened and the infirmary got very quiet. Sam didn't realize how loud she had been speaking. She also didn't realize the way those words had sounded in her head was not the same way they sounded when spoken.

Unfortunately, this helpful realization hadn't hit her over the head until she had fairly shouted it. The medical staff and every conscious patient had their eyes turned to her.

Janet doubled over in silent laughter, clutching the side of the bed. She couldn't believe Sam had just said that. And judging from the look on the other woman's face…she couldn't either.

"I meant," Sam said loudly fighting a losing battle against the flush in her cheeks. "That the colonel knows I have nightmares all the time. When I'm in bed." _'Well, of course in bed, stupid! Where the hell else does one have nightmares?'_

Janet just shook her head, laughing harder than ever. The awkward silence that had filled the infirmary was broken as everyone else began to laugh too. Sam threw her legs over the side of the bed and pushed herself off the mattress.

"I'm glad to know you're all so mature." She said loudly. "Yes, ha ha, very funny." Looking around the room and realizing no one was listening; Sam turned swiftly and bolted from the room.

Damn adolescents.

**TBC**

**A/N: Let me know what ya think!**

**BTW: In later chapters we'll be having slips from Daniel, Teal'c, Hammond, Janet, Jacob, Walter, and Siler. Maybe others…but this is all I got right now. LOL.**


	4. Oh, Danny Boy!

Chapter 4: Oh, Danny-Boy

**Chapter 4: Oh, Danny-Boy!**

**Disclaimer: You know the drill.**

**A/N: Okay, so in this chapter, Daniel screws up. WooHoo! It's still Sam/Jack, though. It's very mild, but warning and age limit still apply.**

**Thank to all who reviewed!**

**ENJOY!!**

Daniel sat at the briefing room table, tapping his fingers against its polished surface. Sam was sitting next to him, telling General Hammond about their latest mission. It couldn't exactly be called a success…in fact, it was probably worse than a failure. He knew Sam was tailoring her speech eloquently to make it what had occurred sound small and meaningless.

SG-1 was supposed to have been finalizing a trade agreement with a possible ally. Everything had gone just great…until one of the other world's dignitaries took a special liking to Sam. He had cornered her last night while the board was discussing whether or not they should agree to sign the treaty. She had tried to decline him politely, but the guy couldn't take no for an answer.

He had grabbed her and shoved her against the wall. She fought back, easily overpowering him. If there's one thing you don't want to its piss off Sam Carter. If there's another thing you don't want to know it's for Jack O'Neill to find out. He had come down the corridor looking for Sam when he saw her throw the guy off of her. He called her name and she turned her head. The guy took the opportunity to kick her feet from under her.

Sam had landed with a thud. The guy tried to get on top of her to pin her down, but he was suddenly being pulled backwards. Jack had reached them and grabbed the bastard's collar, yanking him away from his 2IC.

The details got a little fuzzy after this. Both Sam and Jack had yet to explain to Daniel and Teal'c in full what had happened. He knew that, left to their own devices, they would never talk about it. The alien ambassadors had kicked them out the door with a half-assed, embarrassed apology and told them never to come back.

All he knew was that Jack had beat the guy to a bloody pulp with Sam looking the other way. Literally. Sam hadn't even looked at her CO since their…_discussion_ last night. _'Yeah.' _ Daniel thought ruefully. _'Discussion. A nice, big shouted discussion that ended with Sam bunking with me and Jack with Teal'c instead of the usual arrangements.'_ Daniel couldn't help but be reminded of an old married couple where the woman kicks the man out of bed and onto the couch.

"And that's all that happened?" Hammond's voice broke through Daniel's thoughts. Evidently, Sam had finished her report. Daniel glanced over and saw her studiously studying the table. She couldn't actually lie and Daniel knew that she was looking for a loophole. However, her silence seemed to speak volumes as the general turned to Daniel.

"Dr. Jackson?" the question went unspoken, but he knew that Daniel understood.

Daniel shrugged and spoke in a carefully even voice. "As far as I know."

The general's eyes turned to Teal'c, who raised his eyebrow in return. "I believe that this is how the events of our mission transpired, General Hammond."

"Yes, sir!" Jack broke in suddenly and loudly; obviously bored and anxious to leave the tense atmosphere he and Sam were sharing. The general looked at him, surprised. Realizing how loud his voice was, he cleared his throat and looked down at the pen in his hands. "I mean, yes sir. That's what happened." _'Officially.'_ He added in his mind.

The general eyed the team like he knew perfectly well that they were hiding something from him, but let it go. "Alright, people. I want you all to report to the infirmary. You're dismissed." SG-1 nodded and gave various affirmatives and stood as the portly man left. Normally, they went to the infirmary before ever stepping foot in the briefing room, but SG teams 9 and 10 had come back pretty worse for the wear. Janet couldn't spare anyone to check over the seemingly healthy SG-1.

"Hey, Janet." Sam said as her friend walked into the infirmary, looking harried and exhausted.

The small doctor gave Sam a small, but bright smile. "Hey. How're you feeling?"

Sam shrugged. "Fine."

Janet eyed her suspiciously. "The general mentioned that you were assaulted during your last mission?"

Something flashed in Sam's eyes, but it was gone before Janet could identify it. "Not really. Colonel O'Neill stopped it before it got too far." She spat out the last sentence as though it tasted awful.

Janet frowned. "Sam? You okay?" she noticed the change in her friends' attitude immediately. Normally, when she mentioned the colonel she would blush or try to fight a small smile. Now…she was angry.

"Yeah, it's just…" Sam trailed, looking around the room. She was glad that she had opted to wait for Janet after her initial check-up. The boys had already left. Sam shook her head. "You know, it just pisses me off that he doesn't think I can take care of myself."

Janet fought to hide her smile. Sam's ignorance was adorable. "Sam, Colonel O'Neill knows you can take of yourself. After watching you kick alien-butt for the last three and a half years…how could he not?"

Sam shrugged and ducked her head. "I could have handled the situation."

"I know. He knows that too." Janet held up a hand as Sam made to interrupt. "Sam, you have to understand…seeing anyone attack you…it sends the colonel into a rage."

Sam's mouth snapped shut in confusion.

Janet chuckled slightly. "Sam, he can't help that he defended you. He--," Janet broke off, knowing she was in dangerous territory. This conversation was volatile; especially on base. Sam seemed to catch on, though, for she looked around hurriedly to make sure they were alone.

"Janet." She hissed. Janet tried to look contrite, but only managed to start laughing again.

"Right." Janet said after composing herself. "We'll continue this some other time."

Sam shook her head and headed for the infirmary door. Her friend had a tendency to be…less than subtle. She pushed open the door, still lost in her own thoughts, and ran smack into Daniel. Grabbing the door for support, she looked up at her friend, eyes wide.

"Sorry, Daniel." She smiled sheepishly. "I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

Daniel smiled warmly. "No problem." Sam nodded and made to go around him when he placed a light hand on her shoulder. "Sam…you know Jack didn't--," But Sam cut him off.

"Daniel." She said warningly, sounding just like Jack.

"But, Sam--," he tried again, but she stopped him.

"Don't, Daniel. I know he was just trying to help, okay?"

'_No, it's not okay.'_ Daniel protested inwardly. Instead, he said, "Okay."

As he watched her walk away, he shook his head. Sam really didn't know. She didn't know just how much it scared Jack to see her on the floor with that man on top of her. She didn't know how, if left to it, he would have killed the bastard that had tried to hurt her. Hell, he'd kill anyone who tried to hurt her.

"Daniel!" Janet's surprised voice broke through his thoughts. She was standing in front of him, clipboard hugged to her chest, smiling widely.

Daniel matched her grin. "Hey, Janet."

After a moment of awkward silence where they continued to stare at each other Janet spoke. "So…what's up? Can I do something for you?"

Daniel paused, not sure how he should bring the mission up. He knew that Janet and Sam were close…so Sam might have told the doctor something that she had not told him or Teal'c.

"Maybe. Sam didn't happen to tell you…anything….about the last mission, did she?" Daniel shoved his hands in his pockets and watched Janet consider him before answering.

After a moment she gestured to Daniel that she was leaving the room. "I have to drop off these reports to General Hammond. Walk with me; we'll talk."

Daniel nodded and motioned for Janet to go ahead of him. She smiled graciously and waited until he fell into step with her. Quashing the flush rising in her cheeks, she kept her eyes in front of her. "She didn't tell me much. I'm pretty sure you know just as much as I do." She said as he pressed the button for the elevator.

Daniel waited for her to continue. Janet waited until they were in the elevator. "All she said was that she was angry that the colonel thought she couldn't take care of herself."

"That's not why Jack did it." Daniel said as he watched the red numbers fly by. He knew he would start babbling if he looked at the woman beside him.

"I know." Janet sighed. Those two were so…she shook her head. "I tried to tell her, but she refuses to believe me. I think she's just scared of what it would mean if he did it for any other reason."

"Me too. Jack's scared also." At Janet's questioning look he continued. "He's scared of what it could mean too. He's also scared that he pushed her away."

Janet snorted. "That's stupid."

Daniel looked at the doctor in amusement as they stepped out of the elevator. "I know."

"The whole situation's stupid." Janet said seriously.

"Yes, it is." He didn't need to ask what she meant. Everyone on base could see how the two officers felt about each other…except possibly the two officers themselves.

Janet turned to Daniel as they entered the control room. "Did they even talk to each other for the rest of the mission?"

It was Daniel's turn to snort. "If you call the loudest shouting match in history 'talking.'"

Janet's eyebrows rose in shock. "They fought?"

"Like an old married couple." Daniel confirmed.

"Geez. He must have really pissed her off. It would take a lot for Sam to argue with her CO. Even if she knows he would never court martial her."

Daniel nodded his agreement. Leaning against the wall he shook his head. "Janet, you should have seen the way Sam and Jack were going at it last night. I didn't think they would ever stop."

It wasn't until he saw Janet's eyes widen in horror and heard his own voice echoing around the room, did he realize that he wasn't just leaning against the wall…he was leaning against the base intercom button. And he had just said something that, if not previously privy to the conversation, would sound very…compromising.

"I—I mean," Daniel stuttered, trying to rectify his lapse in judgment. "What I mean to say was--," he was cut off as Janet grabbed his arm and yanked him off the PA button.

"Get off of that!" she hissed as all eyes in the control room turned to look at him. He also heard the tell-tale sound of footsteps as General Hammond stomped down the steps into the room.

"General, sir." Janet snapped to attention.

"At ease." He said dismissively, his attention focused on Daniel. "Dr. Jackson! What is the meaning of this?" In truth, Hammond knew all about the shared feelings between his two officers. If he could, he would make the frat regs disappear…but that wasn't up to him. _'Yet.' _ He finished in his head.

"N—nothing, General!" Daniel quickly tried to assure him. "I just meant that they were fighting." He looked to Janet for help.

"He's right, sir." Janet nodded. "We were talking about their argument and Dr. Jackson leaned on the intercom…and…well, sir…the rest is history." She finished lamely, looking at her shoes.

Hammond fought to keep a smiled off his face. "Very well. Doctor, you're report." His eyes glowed reassuringly as he took the papers from her. He turned to Daniel, the same warm look still in his eyes. "Be careful where you stand from now on, son."

Daniel nodded, too embarrassed to speak. His head snapped up when he heard a very pointed cough. Standing in front of him was a very red, very angry Major Carter. She raised her eyebrow in question and pursed her lips.

"Sam! I'm sorry, I know what that sounded like and I--," he was cut off by an angry shout from outside the door.

"Daniel!"

Daniel cringed at the tone in Jack's voice.

He was so screwed.

**TBC**

**A/N: Please R&R!!**


	5. Way to Help, T

Chapter 5: Way to Help, T

**Chapter 5: Way to Help, T**

**Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.**

**A/N: IMPORTANT: Okay, so some of you have asked me to continue longer after I deliver the "punchline." There are two reasons why I haven't done this. One: People's reaction to what was said turn out to be repetitive and a bit unbelievable. Two: Because these are supposed to be short little stories…possibly leading up to the last chapter where something big happens. **

**BTW: I know Felger doesn't show up till much later, but it fit the story. It's fanfiction…cut me some slack. LOL. **

**Small spoilers for "Divide and Conquer."**

**I am very sorry if that's disappointing or something. I'll do my best, though! **

**This one is a kinda sorta mild, but rating and warning still stand. Teal'c screws up! WooHoo!**

**Thank you very much to all who reviewed! It is very much appreciated!**

**ENJOY!!**

Sam stared at the computer screen, pointedly ignoring the nervous man beside her. The SGC had just hired a new scientist, a Dr. Jay Felger. When he had been introduced to Sam he had made some lame joke about his name and the coffee brand 'Folgers.' Sam hadn't been paying attention; she was, instead, trying to pull her hand away from his sweaty palm. He had been very…_reluctant_…to let her go.

Sam grimaced inwardly. She really didn't need the unwanted attention from the new guy. Hell, she didn't want attention from anyone…except the one man she wasn't allowed to have it from. Sam shook her head slightly, trying to focus on the numbers flashing across the screen. She was trying to teach Felger how to work the gate diagnostics, but, as far as she could tell, his gaze hadn't left her face.

She prayed that the gate would have an unscheduled activation or she would be needed elsewhere, but today was one of the rare quiet days. Unfortunately.

Sam jumped when she heard the colonel's voice behind her.

"Hey, Carter!" he boomed, standing behind her and to the right. He had just come up the steps into the control room.

Sam shot to her feet, something she hadn't done around him since they had first met. "Sir!"

Jack stopped rocking on his heels and stared at her in mild surprise. "Ookay." He drew out the word, continuing to look at her like she'd grown another head. Sam cleared her throat and averted her eyes, coughing embarrassedly. Deciding to ignore the unusual reaction he took a few steps closer to her, looking over her shoulder at the computer screen. "Whatcha doin'?"

"I'm…ah…running a gate diagnostic, sir." Sam said, her eyes meeting his. Jack could have sworn that something like a plea just flashed through them. Noticing the man standing next to his 2IC, saluting Jack, but eyes fixed to Sam he understood why Carter was so…_excited_…to see him.

"Oh?" That one word held more understanding than it would have under normal circumstances.

"Yes, sir." Sam smiled at him relief.

The man next to her nudged her with his shoulder, keeping in contact with her longer than was necessary. Sam squeezed her eyes shut and looked very much like she was trying not to throw up.

Clearing her throat, she gave Jack the fakest smile he thought he'd ever seen. "Sir, this is Dr. Felger. He's just transferred here from Washington." The false cheer in her voice was not lost on Jack, but it only seemed to bolster the other man's confidence.

He smiled brightly at Sam, trying to catch her eye, but Sam determinedly avoided his gaze. She kept her eyes locked on the colonel's, pleading with him for help. She was thankful that, after four and a half years together, they had pretty much perfected their silent communication.

"Has he?" Jack smiled briefly at Sam, before turning to the doctor and returning the salute. The man wasn't military…why the _hell_ was he saluting? Giving the man his best hardass military glare, he changed his bemused tone to a cold, removed one. "Dr. Felger. How are things coming along?"

The man nearly tripped over himself moving to stand next to Sam. Laying a hand on her shoulder he nearly shouted his answer. "Oh, it's going great, sir! Major Carter and I are getting along just as well!" He didn't seem to notice the less than gentle way Sam shook off his hand and moved to stand beside Jack.

Despite finding the situation hilarious, Jack couldn't help but feel a rush of pleasure run through him as Carter stepped closer to him. He also couldn't help the smug, childish thought that followed. _'Ha! She likes me better than you, pal!'_

Felger did seem to notice, however, how close Sam was standing to the colonel. His smile dimmed and his eyes flicked between them.

Jack, feeling particularly evil (and because he would embrace any opportunity to touch Sam), landed a gentle hand on her shoulder. His inner teenager did a little triumphant dance when she didn't pull away and merely relaxed into his hand.

"That's great, doctor!" Jack said with fake enthusiasm. Despite still looking crestfallen over Sam's reaction to the colonel, Felger smiled and eagerly accepted the praise from the older man. He didn't seem to realize that the praise was sarcastic.

But, Sam did. If her badly disguised chuckle was any sort of giveaway.

Jack kept his hand on Carter's shoulder a moment longer before gently squeezing it and letting go. Sam instantly missed the contact, but was more than thankful that he had done what he did. She _really_ didn't like Felger like that.

After a moment of silence where they all just looked at each other, Jack shoved his hands in his pockets and bounced on the balls of his feet.

"Well, I didn't mean to interrupt you kids--," Sam cut him off.

"No!" Realizing how loud her voice was, she continued at a more professional volume. "I mean, you didn't interrupt, sir." Sam shot him a glare when he smiled in amusement at her obvious discomfort. "Feel free to interrupt anytime, sir." Sam glanced at Felger and swallowed hard when he beamed back at her. "Anytime."

"Thanks, Carter…but I think I've done what I came here to do." Jack smiled mysteriously at Sam's exasperated glare. Winking at Felger, he lowered his voice conspiratorially. "Take good care of her for me, Felger."

Jack thought the man might burst at the seams. "Sir, yes, sir!" The man jumped to attention, knocking a chair over in the process. Sam looked like she wanted nothing more than to throttle the colonel.

Taking a few hasty steps toward the briefing room stairs, Jack gave her a Cheshire cat grin. As much as he hated it when other men hit on Carter, he couldn't resist messing with her a little. Recent events had forced certain…_feelings_…into the open, so he wasn't worried that she would suffocate him in his sleep.

Not completely, anyway.

"Thank you, sir." Carter called after him, sarcastically.

"Anytime, Carter!" He answered jovially over his shoulder as he jogged up the steps.

He saw her roll her eyes before reluctantly picking up the overturned chair and sitting back down; Felger sitting down so close he was practically on her lap. Ignoring the jealously that flashed through him, Jack comforted himself with the fact that he could crush the little scientist if he felt the burning desire to do so.

"T!" Jack greeted the big man as he entered the briefing room. Teal'c turned to him and inclined his head in greeting.

"General Hammond has requested my presence." Teal'c said, pre-empting the question he knew the younger man would ask.

"Ah. In trouble, are we?" Jack joked, taking a seat at the table.

Teal'c frowned and sat in the chair opposite Jack. "I do not believe that I have done anything to warrant the ire of General Hammond."

Jack bit back a laugh at the thought of Hammond's 'ire.' "Of course you haven't, Teal'c." Jack winked, causing Teal'c to frown again.

Deciding it was time to change the subject, Teal'c turned the question on Jack. "What of you, O'Neill? Why have you been summoned to meet with General Hammond?"

Jack shrugged. "I wasn't." When the older man raised an eyebrow, Jack grinned guiltily. "I saw Carter in the control room and decided to have a little fun with her new admirer." When Teal'c's eyebrow rose further, Jack's grin grew guiltier. "One of the new scientists has a crush on Carter."

Teal'c nodded and waited for O'Neill to continue. "She looked desperate so I went in and…had some fun." When Teal'c shot him a suspicious glare, Jack half-raised his hands. "I didn't do anything bad." He paused. "Well, not _too_ bad anyways."

"That does not explain how you ended up in the briefing room, O'Neill." Teal'c questioned, careful to keep his amusement hidden. He knew of the shared feelings between O'Neill and Major Carter. He also knew that O'Neill had more than likely given the new scientist a few hints that Major Carter was not to be touched. Whether the other man understood or not was his own problem.

Teal'c knew that if the scientist tried anything with Major Carter…there would be hell to pay.

"Well," Jack averted his eyes, embarrassed. "I needed a cool getaway…and the briefing room was the closest thing to me…so I just…" he waved his hand in a so on and so forth motion.

"I see." Teal'c folded his hands in front of him and nodded, though his tone suggested the opposite.

Noting the disbelief in his friend's voice, Jack shrugged. "I was just having a little fun."

"Even if it was at Major Carter's expense." Teal'c's eyes focused accusingly on O'Neill's.

"It wasn't at her expense." Jack said quickly. Thinking back, Jack realized that, in actuality, it had been. "Well, it wasn't supposed to be at her expense. I was trying to freak the new guy out."

Teal'c stayed silent. He had learned that when people of the Tau'ri were feeling even the slightest bit guilty, the best thing to do was stay silent. This usually increased their feeling of guilt and discomfort, which usually led to a confession.

Jack shifted uncomfortably under Teal'c's knowing stare. "It's just…Carter's usually so _composed_…and I just thought…I mean…" he trailed, silently acknowledging that he had been a jerk. "Crap. She's gonna kill me."

"Indeed." Teal'c inclined his head again, triumphant that his silent tactics had paid off yet again.

Jack looked over at him, betrayed. "What—that's it? I'm gonna be murdered by my own teammate and all you have to say is 'indeed?'"

Teal'c paused. "Indeed." He repeated.

Jack opened his mouth, paused, then shut it again. His friend was a real piece of work. "Well, I appreciate your concern." He said after a minute.

"You are welcome, O'Neill." Teal'c said, though he knew full well that the younger man was being sarcastic.

Jack paused a moment, looking thoughtful. "You know…she did look really uncomfortable." Another pause. "And she practically flew out of her chair when I came up behind them."

Teal'c nodded, fighting the smile that tried to form upon hearing Major Carter's reaction.

"I don't know." Jack continued looking at the stairwell. "Maybe I should have helped her out."

In his office, General Hammond finished with the President and hung up the phone. Standing and straightening his uniform he stepped out from behind his desk and opened the door to the briefing room. He had asked Teal'c to come by so that he might get a more detailed account of what had happened during the Zatarc incident. He wasn't expecting much, but Teal'c was the only person he had yet to ask.

His foot had barely cleared the threshold when Teal'c's deep voice stopped him in his tracks.

"I do not believe Major Carter would mind if you merely inserted yourself."

Jack was about to laugh at Teal'c's phrasing when he became aware that someone else was in the room. Glancing up, he saw the general himself standing frozen just inside his office. Jack leapt to his feet and was followed by Teal'c at a more sedate pace.

"General! That wasn't…I mean…I--," Jack stopped floundering for an explanation when the General held up his hand.

"I don't want to know." Hammond closed his eyes briefly and shook his head. He, like everyone else on base, knew about the feelings between the two military members of SG-1. He also knew that they had too much respect for each other to act on those feelings.

"But, sir, with all due respect, Teal'c didn't mean what it sounded like he meant." Jack said in a rush, flinching at the pathetic explanation.

Teal'c glanced between General Hammond and O'Neill not understanding what he had said wrong. It had been a simple suggestion. He was sure that Major Carter would not mind if O'Neill inserted himself into her current predicament and helped her discourage the unwanted attention.

What was wrong with that?

Hammond continued to shake his head and glanced back up at his 2IC. "I know that Teal'c didn't mean anything by it, Colonel." George was trying his best to stifle the laughter that was fighting to break forth. Just the fact that the colonel was getting so flustered meant that the man would probably like nothing more than to…do what Teal'c suggested he do.

George shook himself inwardly. He had to stop those kinds of thoughts immediately. They were beyond disturbing. He was basically encouraging his to best officers to…no. No, that line of thought stopped right there.

Jack nodded sharply, looking thoroughly embarrassed and shot Teal'c a 'why?' look before turning back to the general. "Sir, with your permission…"

Deciding to put the younger man out of his misery the general nodded. "Dismissed."

Jack nodded, threw one more look to Teal'c before hurrying down the stairs.

"I do not understand, General Hammond." Teal'c's brow furrowed and he turned questioning eyes on the general.

"Don't worry about it, son." Hammond smiled and sat down_._ _'Now the hard part…_'

Back down in the control room, Jack stopped just behind Carter. She appeared to be staring at the computer screen, but he could tell by the tense way she was sitting that she was watching the doctor out of the corner of her eye.

"Carter!" he called in a cheery voice.

In an almost scarily similar movement as the previous time he had done this, she jumped up and spun around, blushing when she saw how close he was.

Felger jumped up too.

Before either could say anything, Jack spoke loudly, taking a page out of Teal'c's book. "Major Carter," he smiled. "I require your assistance." HammHamHHa

"You do?" Sam asked, too quickly. She cleared her throat. "I mean, what can I do for you, sir?"

'_Anything you wanted to.'_ Jack shook his head inwardly. Now was not the time to start that. "I have a…science related, uh, question." Jack grimaced and Sam rolled her eyes. "Insubordination!" he cried suddenly, causing both her and Felger to jump.

Winking at her, he grabbed her arm and began dragging her towards the hallway. "How dare you disrespect me, Carter? I am your commanding officer!" he yelled theatrically. "We will have to teach you proper respect...and…" he searched for the right word.

"Discipline." Sam whispered as he continued to drag her towards the elevator.

"Yes! Discipline!" He let go of her as the elevator doors shut. He didn't want to…but, if he didn't, it would look suspicious.

Sam let out a sigh of relief and sagged against the elevator wall. "Thank you, sir."

"Not a problem, Carter. Always happy to help." He smiled down at her.

She returned his smile. "Where are we going?"

"Commissary. You up for some cake?" he rocked back on his heels and gave her a charmingly hopeful smile.

Sam bit her lip and rolled her eyes playfully. "How could I say no to someone who just rescued me?"

"Yeah, I'm a regular Prince Charming." He quipped. Though he could get used to 'rescuing' Carter.

Sam merely grinned.

Oh, he had no idea.

**TBC**

**A/N: This is the longest one I've ever done! Whew! Hand…cramping…LOL. Please R&R!**


	6. Screwing as Defined by SG1

Chapter 6: 'Screwing' as Defined by SG-1

**Chapter 6: 'Screwing' as Defined by SG-1**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Except for the stuff that is. Bummer.**

**A/N: Kay…this one is my most "vulgar" one yet! WooHoo! LOL. Warning and age recommendation still stand. This is another 'Sam flubs her technobabble' thing. Kinda.**

**Spoilers for "Beneath the Surface"**

**BTW: I'm not sure when Rodney first showed up, but I'm gonna pretend that its now. LOL.**

**ENJOY!!**

Today was going to be a bad day. Jack had felt it from the moment he woke up. It had only been confirmed when he was told who would be coming to the SGC today. He seriously needed to read his memos when he first received them.

Yeah. Today was gonna suck.

And because he knew today was gonna suck…he felt no need to reign in his temper. Jack snapped at anyone who was stupid enough to approach him. _'Only 1200 and more than half the base is trying to avoid me. That's gotta be a record.'_ Jack thought ruefully as he stomped towards the gateroom. Carter was down there with _him_. That bastard, McKay.

Apparently, some of the higher ups decided that they really wanted to torture Jack today. Not a week after SG-1 got back from that damn planet with the memory stamp things and the President decided that they wanted an impromptu review of the SGC. How McKay fit into this Jack didn't know…but, hey. Orders were orders.

Damn.

Jack had every intention of going into the gateroom and watching McKay's every move. He knew how the guy felt about Carter and there was no way in hell Jack was leaving her alone with him any longer than he had to. Especially after the memory stamps…

While they had been Jonah and Thera they had been allowed to explore their feelings. Though things hadn't progressed too far…they had been quickly building to that point. Trying to force those feelings back down had been hard…much harder…than either of them had anticipated. It had felt so _right_…so _liberating_…to just be together. Even though they had no memories of who they really were, they had _found_ each other in that place…and Jack wasn't sure if he even really understood what they meant.

All he knew was that he was in love with her and she was in love with him. And they couldn't admit it. They had to try to forget those blissful few days under the "ice" and continue like nothing had ever happened. _'Yeah, fat chance of that.'_ Jack thought angrily. He hated that they couldn't just be together. Damn the regs.

Jack planned on letting his full temper lash out at the bastard. In reality, McKay wasn't a bad guy and hadn't done anything…yet. It was the 'yet' that worried Jack. _'So help me…if McKay lays a finger on Carter, I swear…'_

The colonel knew he sounded like a jealous, possessive son of a bitch. But, it was in his head, it didn't matter what he sounded like. He was possessive of Carter, but not in the 'she's my property' kind of way. No…she was a part of him. Or at least that's how he felt about it.

Plus, McKay was an arrogant son of a bitch. Who thought he was smarter than Carter, no less.

Jack slid his card through the slot and the blast doors opened. He stepped through and waited for the door to close behind him before speaking.

"Hey kids! What are we doing?" He shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels, looking around at the scientists and technicians that filled the room. Some of the G.I. techs were walking around with clipboards, marking down whether or not _things_ were in order.

The military personnel in the room all jumped to attention, saluting him. All except Carter, that is. Jack had ordered her long ago never to react that way when he entered the room. As far as he was concerned, they were equals.

Instead, Carter straightened slowly and gave him a brilliant smile. You know, the one where her nose scrunches a little and her eyes dance with a light that's meant only for him.

"Hi, sir." Her voice carried through the suddenly quiet gateroom. People were looking at Jack warily. Apparently, news of his bad mood had spread quickly.

As people resumed what they were doing a few whispers from the non-SGC personnel broke the silence, but only those nearest them could hear.

"Major Carter's military and Colonel O'Neill is her _commanding officer_. Why didn't she show her respect by standing at attention and saluting like the rest of us?" One man from the Pentagon asked.

Walter, who happened to be kneeling nearby, turned around and glared at the ignorant man. "Because Major Carter isn't just anyone." Walter hissed sharply. "She's Colonel O'Neill's second in command. They've been on the same team for over four years. She doesn't _need_ to jump to attention. He knows she respects him." Walter paused. "Just like she knows he respects her."

The man from the Pentagon looked taken aback, then averted his eyes, embarrassed. He went back to his charts and Walter grinned smugly.

"What's up, Carter?" Jack walked up and peered over her shoulder at what she was doing. He pointedly ignored McKay, who was throwing him a dirty look. They hadn't been properly introduced yet…and Jack wanted to make the man sweat a little.

"Not much, sir." Sam shrugged and cocked her head to the side a little. "Just waiting for the nice people from the Pentagon to be done." She raised her voice slightly and made sure that the techs heard her.

"Ah." Jack bounced on his heels again and smiled at his second. "Snippiness, Carter?" he whispered, leaning over slightly so no one but her and McKay to hear. Sam blushed, whether it was because of his close proximity or his statement…he didn't know.

"Maybe." Sam smiled again, but didn't look away. A fact that McKay noticed.

Jack matched her grin. "I like." He said simply. Sam's blush deepened.

McKay cleared his throat loudly. Sam squeezed her eyes shut mouthed something like, "Kill me now" and pasted a fake smile on her face. Opening her eyes, and letting Jack see a spark of annoyance before putting her military mask back on, she took a step back and gestured to McKay.

"Colonel O'Neill, this is Dr. Rodney McKay. McKay, this is my commanding officer, Colonel O'Neill." Sam gave the necessary introductions and rolled her eyes when McKay purposely brushed her hand with his when going to shake Jack's.

"Colonel." He pumped Jack's hand once and squeezed tighter than necessary, as though trying to assert some authority. Jack merely gave McKay the same grip (maybe slightly stronger) and glared, putting years of practice into use.

McKay's fake cheery smile fell away instantly and he struggled to pull his hand away. After a few seconds Jack let the man go, but kept him pinned with his stare. Sam bit her lip, quickly hiding her smile. But Jack noticed.

"Hello, Mickey." Jack purposely flubbed the man's name.

McKay's eyes flashed, but he pasted on another smile. He waited, clearly expecting Sam to correct the colonel's mistake. However, when no correction came, McKay glanced behind him to find Sam looking somewhere to her left, trying desperately not to laugh.

"It's McKay. Rodney _McKay_." McKay said through clenched teeth. "Though I'd see where one could make that mistake."

Jack shrugged. "Yes, well…" Jack continued to glare until McKay looked away.

"So, Sam--," McKay turned his back on Jack.

"Major Carter." Sam cut him off. She sounded like she'd corrected him on this particular…slip-up…several times.

Rodney continued like she hadn't spoken. "I think we should continue our work on enhancing the stargate's energy output in its relativity to its energy input." The smug note in McKay's voice lead Jack to believe that the man was trying to throw around big words to make Jack feel like an idiot.

"Trying to cut down on cost, Major?" Jack interrupted.

Sam smiled. "Yes, sir." Squeezing her eyes shut again when Rodney nudged her pointedly. "McKay, here, thinks we can cut down on how much energy the gate draws if--," Sam stopped when McKay cut her off.

"I think that if I charge the stargate's main electrical circuit negatively the flux capacitor will insulate itself, thus providing the gate with a proverbial power source." McKay said proudly, turning back to Jack and bouncing on the balls of his feet.

Jack paused, then glanced at Sam to see if he had heard right. She averted her eyes, shaking her head, and looking very much like she was going to choke on laughter. Rodney smirked, taking Jack's silence for confusion and opened his mouth to explain in lamen's terms.

Jack held up his hand and swallowed a laugh. "Did you say flux capacitor?" When Rodney nodded, Jack shook his head with a slight grimace. "Gee…Carter?"

"Yes, sir?" Sam refused to meet his eyes; knowing that if she did she would dissolve into giggles.

"It might just be me, but…isn't that from 'Back to the Future'?" Jack frowned and put a finger to his chin in a gesture of exaggerated thought.

"Um, yes, sir." Sam answered, coughing loudly in place of giggles.

Rodney spluttered and opened and closed his mouth several times, looking, for all the world, like a fish out of water. His eyes were wide and his fingers twisted together, a bright flush building in his neck and slowly rising.

"So…" Jack smirked and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Got a thing for Doc Brown, huh?"

This time Sam did laugh. Rodney whirled on her. "What—How--!" he spluttered again, his face quickly turning purple. "How can you just let him make fun of me?!" Rodney raised his voice and flapped his arms around. He wasn't a threat to Sam; everyone knew that. He was a good guy…he just didn't handle rejection or mocking well.

Sam didn't answer; just stared at him with her hand covering her mouth, laughter in her eyes. So Jack answered for her. "Cause I'm her CO. She has to laugh."

Rodney ignored him. "I—I thought we had, you know…" he trailed off, still speaking loudly and indignantly.

Sam stopped laughing and looked at the man like he had grown another head. "We had what?" She raised her eyebrows, daring him to continue.

"Something!" Rodney waved his arms again and looked around helplessly. "And now that I've just admitted that to everyone…"

"Wait, wait." Jack said, not sure if he should show how angry he was that the new guy had thought he and Carter had _something_. "You thought that you," he pointed at Rodney. "And Carter," he pointed to Sam. "Had…something?"

"Well, yeah…" Rodney struggled to slow his breathing and tried to quash the rapidly growing flush. "I mean…she is…" he gestured at Carter and raised his eyebrows, nodding his head in approval.

Big. Mistake.

Sam clenched her hands into fists and her eyes flashed dangerously, taking a threatening step towards McKay. She wasn't the only one.

Jack felt his temper, fueled by anger at the way he appraised Carter like a piece of meat, spike violently. He grabbed McKay's shoulder and spun him around, getting in his face. By now, everyone in the gateroom and in the control room had fallen silent and were watching the two officers confronting the doctor.

"She is what, McKay?" Jack growled dangerously.

"I—Nothing. I d—didn't mean anything…" Rodney stuttered trying to shy away from the enraged colonel.

"You better not have." Jack took another step towards Rodney and held up an accusatory finger, pressing it into Rodney's nose, causing the man to go cross-eyed. "Cause, so help me God, if you did--," his threat was cut off by a very pissed off throat-clearing.

Both men glanced around at Sam. Her eyes were dark with anger and her hands were on his hips in the universal sign of 'I am _so_ not happy right now.'

"Thank you, sir, but I can do this by myself." Sam glared at both of them.

Jack's eyes widened as he looked at Carter. "I know you can, Carter. But, I--," Sam cut him off.

"No, sir." Sam knew she had crossed the line into insubordination, but…after everything that had happened in the last week or so…she needed a release. She was so angry that her freedom with Jack had been ripped away. Those few days of just _being_ together had been…nice. Sam had never felt so relaxed. But, now…now she had to shove her feelings back beneath the surface. She had to shove a part of her so deep down that it physically hurt her to do so.

And she was angry that the colonel was letting this happen. Sam knew it was an irrational anger. She was doing the same thing. She also knew that he was having a hard time with this as well. _'Misery loves company…'_ Sam thought ruefully.

It really sucked to be her sometimes.

"No, sir?" Jack asked loudly, half-turning away from McKay and raising his eyebrows incredulously. Rodney took the momentary distraction and quickly stepped away from the two officers, coming to stand next to a group of techs. All eyes were on Sam and Jack.

Jack turned fully to face her. "Carter, that bastard just looked at you like you were--," For the third time Sam cut him off.

"Stop right there, colonel." Sam held up her hand, glaring at her CO.

"Don't interrupt me again, Carter." Jack growled, cocking his head angrily.

"My mistake, sir." Sam raised her hands in mock surrender, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"What are you doing, Major?" Jack asked incredulously. This was way out of character for his 2IC.

Sam opened her mouth to retort, but shut it quickly. "I don't know. I'm sorry, sir." She hung her head, hands dropping from her hips. Brushing the hair away from her forehead she looked back up at him. Instead of seeing the anger she had been expecting she saw sadness. She didn't have to ask why. He knew why she was acting like this. He knew because he was acting out for the same reason.

"Not a problem, Carter." Jack shrugged.

Sam shook her head again. "It's just these techs from the Pentagon have me on edge and--," she stopped abruptly. _'What the hell am I doing? I almost just admitted the one thing I can never admit!'_

Jack understood and didn't push her to finish. That would mean the end of both their careers. He didn't care so much about his…but he would _never_ jeopardize hers.

Never.

"They're just scientists, Carter. Screw 'em." Jack knew that this was absolute wrong thing to say the second it was out of his mouth.

Sam's eyes flashed with anger again. "Yeah, well, you're screwing me in there with them!" Sam yelled, glaring at Jack.

Everyone in the surrounding area froze. She didn't say what it sounded like she said…did she?

Three things happened at once. One: Sam's words echoed in her ears. Realizing what it sounded like she meant, she turned bright red and turned wide eyes on the colonel.

Two: Jack realized what it sounded like she meant and met her terrified eyes…and winked. He didn't know why he did it…he just hardly ever saw Sam Carter flustered.

Three: Someone began to laugh.

Which caused everyone to laugh.

Which caused Sam to duck her head and attempt to race from the room.

Jack reached out, meaning to grab her arm, but overshot it and ended up wrapping his arm around her waist. _That_ got her to stop. It also caused everyone present to laugh harder. Taking his time removing his arm from her waist, he straightened and placed gentle hands on her shoulders.

"I'm sorry, Carter. That didn't come out right." He smiled reassuringly at her.

Sam mumbled something, without raising her head. Jack furrowed his brow and ducked his head to catch her eyes. "What?"

"I said," She raised her eyes to his. "Mine didn't either."

Jack laughed and, after a minute, so did Sam.

"You do realize that the video reel of this is gonna become the most popular thing in the SGC, right?" Jack asked, reluctantly releasing her shoulders.

"Yeah. Yeah, I know." Sam dropped her head into her hands and continued to laugh.

Looking around at the mirth-filled faces Jack had the feeling a graceful exit for both of them was in order.

"Cake?" he smiled charmingly, rocking back on his heels and pointing over his shoulder at the blast doors.

"Sure, sir." Sam nodded gratefully.

"After you." Jack made a sweeping motion with his arm.

Sam grinned and walked quickly out of the room.

Oh, she was never gonna live this down.

**TBC**

**A/N: Let it be known that I don't hate Rodney McKay. I just dislike him on Stargate. He's perfectly fine when he's in another galaxy.**

**Far, far, far away from Sam. LOL**

**Please R&R!!**


	7. Jack and Words

Chapter 7: Speaking of Which…

**Chapter 7: Jack and Words**

**Disclaimer: Bwahahaha! I have them! I stole the rights when TPTB weren't looking!**

**No…not really. Seriously? If I owned them, I would delete the (nonexistent) ninth and tenth season from everyone's minds and write all Sam/Jack episodes. I would also make Janet and Jacob not dead.**

**A/N: Thank you all very much!! I got many reviews! LOL. I'm glad you guys are liking this so far! Makes me all warm and fuzzy. ******

**So this one is…uh… "alludingly" dirty. Warning and age limit still stands. Definitely for this one. ******

**So…read on!**

**ENJOY!!**

Jack clasped his hands behind his back and surveyed the room with a disinterested air. In reality he was completely on edge, he hated awards ceremonies. Especially when the awards were for him. Today's only saving grace would be that Carter was getting an award too. That made this whole _abhorred_ process bearable.

He was really proud of her. In the five and a half years that he had served with her she had never ceased to impress him. Whether it be her brilliance, her wit, her uncanny acceptance of him, or just a smile…he fell in love with her all over again everyday.

So, here they were. The penthouse lobby at a very extravagant hotel in Washington D.C. awaiting…award time. Fun. The two officers were being awarded for their most recent 'saving of the world.' An asteroid that had been enhanced with naquadah had been sent towards Earth by the snakeheads in an attempt to rid themselves of the pesky Tau'ri.

But, as per usual, SG-1 stopped them.

Though, they had cut it extremely close. _Extremely_ close.

Jack's eyes scanned the room again, seeking out his 2IC. He spotted her across the room, looking very much cornered by three young Air Force officers.

_Male_ Air Force officers.

Soon to be dead male Air Force officers.

Clearing his throat and picking up another glass of punch, Jack strolled calmly to the opposite side of the room, coming to a halt behind the three men. Sam was wearing a painfully fake smile and her eyes kept darting out across the room, looking for an escape. Her eyes collided with Jack and he saw immediate relief blossom in her blue irises, a real smile forming on her lips. _'Thank God.'_ Sam thought, not bothering to hide how happy she was to have an out.

"Stand to, gentleman." Jack said, his voice genial, but the order in it very clear. He watched as they stiffened and did an abrupt about-face as one, their hands shooting up in salutes. Jack gave them a lazy one in return, punch still in hand.

"Sir!" Sam exclaimed, straightening her shoulders, but forgoing the salute.

"Carter." He smiled and let his eyes flick over the straight-backed men. "I'm sure you boys won't mind if I borrow Major Carter, would you?" His tone was questioning, but it was obvious that he wasn't asking.

Sam was next to Jack with a hand on his elbow, quickly leading them away from the 'boys' before they had even managed to say, "Yes, sir."

When Sam had dragged Jack a good distance away, she glanced over her shoulder and breathed a loud sigh of relief. Jack smiled despite his best efforts to look innocently ignorant.

"Thank you, colonel." Sam flashed him a dazzling smile and reluctantly let her hand drop from his elbow.

Jack shrugged modestly and held out the punch in his hand. "You looked like you were in need of a rescue."

Sam accepted the punch with a nod of thanks, but looked mock-reprovingly up at him. "For your information, I did not _need_ a rescue." She tossed her head indignantly, but the mischievous glint in her eyes told him all he needed to know. At Jack's disbelieving look, Sam shrugged and looked around the room before her eyes crashed back to his. "Though it was appreciated."

Jack smiled and gently knocked her glass with his. "Cheers."

"Cheers." She agreed and took a few sips. Noticing a few of the other officers staring at her and Jack, she cleared her throat self-consciously and looked at her CO. "Uh, sir?"

He glanced over at her questioningly, though the wary look in his eyes suggested he had noticed the staring too. "Carter?"

Sam lowered her voice and glanced surreptiously around the room full of Air Force personnel. "It might just be me, but are…" she trailed off, widening her eyes slightly and giving him a pointed look.

Jack understood. "Yup." He rocked back on his heels and jerked his head toward the large glass doors that lead onto the balcony. "I don't know about you, Carter, but I'm in need of some fresh air."

Sam furrowed her brow in an exaggerated gesture of thought. "You know, sir…I think I agree."

"Shall we?"

"We shall."

The two officers made their way towards the doors, placing their empty punch glasses on a table. Jack held the door for Sam and followed her out onto the softly lit expanse of terrace. Walking the twenty or so feet to the gold railing Sam leaned over the cold metal and took a deep breath of the crisp air. As much as she loved her home away from home at the SGC…she really did love to breathe fresh air. Not just the recycled oxygen in the mountain.

Looking out over the dark expanse of purple-black sky, broken only by the monuments and buildings surrounding her, she felt a sense of security. Especially with Jack standing next to her, so close that his shoulder rested against hers. Below her, twenty stories down, cars sped past each other, creating a myriad of yellow, white, and red lights.

"Nice." Jack quipped, following her gaze and resting his forearms on the railing. Only a few military personnel milled the large balcony.

"Yes, sir." Sam closed her eyes as she breathed deeply again.

Jack glanced over at her. She looked really…content. Relaxed, even, for someone who was about to speak in front of a bunch of military bigwigs. Before he knew what he was doing, his mouth was open, and he was speaking.

"I'm proud of you, Carter."

Sam's eyes snapped open and she looked at her CO incredulously. He _never_ gave out praise like that. He didn't have to. He made sure his feelings were known in other, possibly more subtle, ways. By the slightly shell-shocked look on Jack's face, he hadn't expected the words to burst forth either.

Sam opened and closed her mouth in stunned silence for a few moments before finally finding her voice. "Thank you, sir."

Jack nodded. "Not a problem." He cleared his throat as the previously companionable silence became thick and slightly tense. "But, I mean it, Carter." Jack said after a minute. "I know I don't say it nearly as much as I should."

Sam's eyes widened and she half-turned to face him as he continued.

"Carter…I couldn't ask for a better second in command." Jack held her gaze earnestly and turned to face her fully. "Or a better friend." Something flashed in his eyes, but it disappeared before Sam could read it.

Struggling to regain her composure, thankful for the semi-darkness of the balcony that hid her blush, Sam met his gaze. "I couldn't either, sir." She smiled softly at him and he gave her a warm smile in return.

As the silence between them lengthened, neither showed any signs of wanting to leave the close proximity they currently had. A slight cough behind them broke the spell.

"General." They both said, turning and facing the base commander with small smiles on their faces.

"Colonel. Major." The older man nodded to each of them, a grin gracing his own features. "I just thought I'd let you know that the ceremony is about to start."

"Right." Jack bounced on his heels and offered his arm to Carter.

Sam laughed and shook her head at his charming antics. Slipping her arm through his, they followed the general back across the balcony, through the lobby, and into the spacious meeting room.

"I am honored to present this award to Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter for their outstanding teamwork and perseverance." Hammond stepped away from the mic and joined in as the room filled with loud applause.

The two officers stood up and straightened their dress blues before making their way up onto the stage. Jack stepped behind the podium with Sam right beside him. Clearing his throat, he looked around at the sea of expectant faces. "Hello!" he said, leaning into the microphone. A muffled chuckling went through the room and Sam gently nudged his arm, smiling.

Jack returned her smile before addressing the crowd again. "Well, since I _love_ speeches oh so much…I'll make this short." Jack waited for the appreciative laughter to die down. "First, I want to thank General Hammond for that _lovely_ introduction." Hammond gave a mock scowl which drew another laugh from those assembled. "But you forgot one thing, sir."

Hammond frowned and Jack let the silence continue a moment longer. "Tolerance, sir."

Jack heard Sam cough behind him and turned to her with a pseudo-betrayed look on his face. Hammond raised his eyebrows in question. Jack shrugged nonchalantly. "Okay…so maybe not so much on my part. But I think Major Carter deserves recognition as being the most tolerant person on this planet." _'And any others.'_ Jack finished silently. "Major Carter has managed to put up with _me_," Jack paused as a few of his former and current coworkers groaned in agreement. "For over five years. It takes a very special person to do that."

Jack turned his head and grinned at Sam who was blushing furiously. She met his gaze, but quickly glanced away. "So…to Carter…who knows all the right ways to rub me."

Jack's first thought after the words burst from his mouth was that it was suddenly very, _very_ quiet. The second was that he hadn't said that the right way. He had meant for it to sound more like she knew all his moods and how to calm him down if need be. She knew how to deal with him.

But that wasn't what he said.

And then it hit him.

What it _sounded_ like he meant.

Oh. God. Damn.

Oh, no.

Oh. Bad.

He had just said…in front of half the Air Force…Aw, hell.

His eyes widened as his panicked gaze swept over the crowd. A few people began to snigger and, soon, the whole room had erupted in laughter. Seeing the normally composed, tough-as-nails colonel trip and stumble over his words was…absolutely _priceless_.

And to say _that_…well…the innuendo was just icing on the cake.

The Air Force could sometimes double as the world's fastest rumor mill, so the _tension_ between Carter and O'Neill was well known. No one would ever say anything against them though. Each had earned their place, gaining respect from most on the force.

And the ones that hadn't shown respect towards them…?

Well, no one talks about _them_ anymore.

Jack choked, blank disbelief etched into his face. How could he have been so stupid? How the _hell_ could he have…! Oh, hell…Carter was gonna kick his ass.

He deserved it. Oh, he _so_ deserved it!

He didn't know whether to be grateful that everyone was laughing…or…to be utterly afraid. He was never gonna live this down. This was probably the _stupidest_ thing he had ever done.

Taking a deep breath, he chanced a glance at Carter. She was staring straight ahead, a _very_ attractive flush spread across her cheeks and moved down her neck, disappearing under her collar. Wrenching his eyes back to hers, he was surprised to find her looking back at him.

Her eyes were wide; shock, mirth, and embarrassment making the normal blue color an even brighter azure. She looked very much like she was trying not to bolt from the stage and run to her room. But, there was also something of a smile trying to take hold of her lips. Jack shook his head and turned slightly away from the microphone.

"Carter, I…that…I'm sorry." He shrugged helplessly. Sam opened her mouth, but shut it again quickly. She nodded once before surveying the room again.

"Think we should help them out?" President Hayes leaned over to his long time friend.

"No!" Hammond said quickly, glancing at his two stiff-back officers. "He got them into this…I wanna see him get them out of it."

"I don' know George. _That_ was a doozy." Hayes chuckled. What a thing for the colonel to say.

Jack cleared his throat loudly, pleased that he still held some authority when at least half the room quieted. "That did _not_ come out the way it was supposed to." This earned more laughter that was quickly muffled. "What I meant to say was…Major Carter knows how to deal with me. She knows how to handle any situation that's presented to her…" Jack trailed as his mind blanked.

He was fighting a losing battle and everyone knew it. Sensing that he was only making the situation worse, Sam stepped up to the mic, gently pushing Jack out of the way.

"Thank you for this award. We'll make sure your giving of this honor was not in vain." Sam rattled off in her most professional tone. Elbowing Jack pointedly, she quickly made her way off the stage and moved to the back of the room, her CO right behind her.

General Hammond made the closing speech and dismissed them. Unsurprisingly, Sam and Jack were the first to bolt from the room. Without a word, they both entered the elevator, not wanting to mingle.

Neither was sure they could handle the embarrassment.

Jack watched Sam nervously out of the corner of his eye. She seemed to be struggling with something. Her jaw worked and she kept closing her eyes. Jack let her step out of the elevator first, following after a minute. If she was gonna slug him, now was the perfect time.

Sam reached her door before turning around to face Jack. He moved to his own room, which was right next to hers, and waited for her to do…something. Before he knew what was happening, his 2IC was bent over double, her body wracked with gales of laughter. She leaned against her door and tried to breathe, only succeeding in choking on her giggles.

Burying her face in her hands, Sam continued to laugh. Jack stared at her in disbelief, his brain working furiously to send words to his mouth. Unfortunately…none came. All that escaped his lips was a strangled, "Carter?"

"Y-y-yes, s-sir. I'm s-sorry." Sam gasped around her fits of laughter. She clutched her sides and moaned in pain as the muscles cramped.

Jack took a step closer, worried that she might pass out from lack of oxygen. Sam's eyes met his, full of amusement…and tears. "Carter?" he repeated. The tears were from laughter…right?

Sam cleared her throat and, with great effort, stood upright and stopped laughing. Swiping at her eyes she straightened and faced her CO with as much dignity as she could muster. "Thank you, sir."

Jack raised his eyebrows. "Thank me? For what?"

"For what you said."

When Jack's mouth dropped open, Sam held up a hand. "I mean…I know what you meant." Sam smiled warmly at him. "I appreciate it a lot."

"Not a problem, Carter." Jack shrugged, still in shock. "You know me and words."

"Yes, sir." Sam continued to smile. "But…sir?"

Jack blanched at the tone in her voice. "Yeah?"

"You _are_ gonna pay for that." Sam smiled brightly. "G'night!" In one swift motion she opened her door, stepped inside, turned, winked, and slammed the door shut.

Jack leaned against his door, staring straight ahead. He wasn't sure if he should be scared or not. Carter could inflict serious damage…intellectually and physically. God only knew what she could be planning. Maybe she'd—

Jack broke off his rant abruptly. That's exactly what she had wanted him to do. Contemplate his own downfall and end up acting it out on himself.

Oh, she was good.

Jack smiled to himself and stepped into his own room. Oh, yeah.

He was definitely proud of her.

**TBC**

**A/N: I know Hayes hasn't shown up yet, but…fanfiction, right? LOL. Please R&R!!**


	8. Those Damn Comings

Chapter 8: Those Damn Comings

**Chapter 8: Those Damn Comings**

**Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.**

**A/N: Okay, so this one is pretty dirty. And it's based off a real-(my) life event. Let me tell you, it may seem sorta tame and a bit of a reach…but, trust me, it's not. It is actually VERY embarrassing. And you'd be surprised how quickly people's minds jump to the gutter.**

**Well, probably not. If you guys are reading this, you're minds probably fall into that damn gutter too. LOL.**

**Warning and age limit still stand. Reviews are nice too, folks! LOL. ******

**ENJOY!!**

Jack rocked back on his heels and blew out a bored sigh. He, Daniel, and Teal'c were all waiting down in the gateroom while Sam was up in the control room explaining to Walter how to use the modified version of the gate-dialing program. A program that she herself had created.

Jack glanced at his watch before resting his arm back on his P-90. They were supposed to have left 20 minutes ago. But Jack knew that when Carter got to technobabbling, there was no stopping her. He would never admit it, but the only reason he stopped her was because it just made him fall in love with her even more. A feat he had never thought possible.

Daniel glanced at Jack. "How much longer do you think she'll be?"

Jack shrugged, turning his eyes back to the control room. Sam met his eyes briefly and smiled before looking back at the computer screen. Jack swallowed hard and shook his head inwardly. Making sure to keep his tone even he replied, "Dunno. Hold on." He turned back to the control room. "Hey, Carter!"

Sam looked down at her teammates apologetically. She knew what was coming. "Yes, sir?"

"Wanna get a move on?" Jack raised his eyebrows at her. Sam heard Walter snort at Jack's choice of words and jabbed an elbow into his side.

"Going as fast as I can, sir." Sam replied, her tone somewhere between annoyed and apologetic.

"Well…" Jack paused. "Hurry it up." He gave her a mock-glare.

"Yes, sir." Sam grinned cheekily at him and, once again, returned her attention to the computer.

Daniel cleared his throat and leaned over to talk quietly to Jack so Sam wouldn't hear. "Wanna get a move on?" he questioned. "Really? I can't believe you just said that."

Jack glanced at the archaeologist and frowned when he saw the barely contained laughter on the man's face. "What do you mean?"

Daniel raised his eyebrows and looked at Jack like he was a three year old. "Jack, you just…and it could also…" Daniel shook his head. "Nevermind."

Jack frowned, wanting to press the issue. He opened his mouth to question the archaeologist again when it hit him. "Oops."

Teal'c raised an eyebrow. Even he'd managed to see the double meaning behind his friend's words. Daniel sniggered and Jack glared at him. "What are you? Twelve?" he asked, annoyed. Daniel must really have a dirty mind if he thought that Jack's innocent question was anything to comment on.

"Whatever, Jack." Daniel shrugged.

"Yeah, that was a mature answer." Jack shook his head in amusement.

Daniel stuck his tongue out at him.

Jack stuck out his in response.

Teal'c watched his two friends. O'Neill was never completely mature so this behavior was not totally out of character, but Daniel Jackson usually acted more his age. Though, Teal'c had noticed that when the two men were together, they often fed off of each other and did things that were slightly…adolescent.

Daniel shook hid head and pointedly turned away from Jack, signaling that the exchange was over. Jack just shook his head and glanced back up to the control room.

"Carter! I'm aging!" he called in pseudo-anger. His 2IC didn't even look up, but he was sure that he saw her roll her eyes.

"Any older and you'd be dust." Daniel muttered. Teal'c bit down on his smile and merely raised his eyebrow. Jack's head whipped around and he opened his mouth, prepared to berate the archaeologist when Teal'c stepped forward.

"I don't believe you could possibly age to the point of disintegration in a span of 30 minutes, O'Neill."

Daniel snickered again and shrugged at Jack. A clear signal that he thought he'd won. Instead of responding to Daniel, Jack turned back to the control room. He was really bored and Carter needed to get her butt down here.

Now.

"Carter, are you coming?"

This time Sam did look up. She also rolled her eyes again. That man had no patience. Though, his spontaneity was one of the things that she loved about him. Sam shook her head, trying to rid herself of those thoughts.

Yeah. Like _that_ ever worked.

Sam rolled her eyes again and decided to go for a smartass answer. After almost six years of knowing each other, she didn't think he'd write her up for being a little insubordinate. "When you're involved, sir, I'm always coming."

Walter froze, his eyes shooting to the three men in the gateroom. Daniel was turned away, but the obvious shaking of his shoulders showed that he was laughing. Teal'c had an eyebrow raised, but a small, amused smile played across his lips. Walter's gaze flicked to the colonel who looked normal.

Until his eyes widened.

And his mouth went slack.

Jack's eyes crashed into Sam's. Had she just said what he thought she just said? She didn't look like she was aware that she had said anything wrong. But, Walter and Teal'c knew. And judging from the audible laughter coming from Daniel, he knew too.

Sam frowned when she saw the half-shocked, half-amused expression on her CO's face. Was it something she said? All she had said was—

Crap.

Holy-freakin'-Hannah.

'_Good lord, they have dirty minds!'_ Sam exclaimed internally. _'It was a simple comment! No need to get all weird about it. I swear, I work with a bunch of four year olds.' _Sam's cheeks flushed, but she couldn't seem to tear her eyes away from the colonel. He was still staring at her, but something besides amusement and surprise filled his gaze. Something that Sam couldn't quite place.

A soft snort next to her alerted her to the fact that Walter was laughing too.

At her.

"Sergeant, I think you get the basics of the program." Sam snapped. To his credit, Walter straightened and had the decency to look repentant. "If you run into trouble have Dr. Lee take a look at it."

With that, Sam whirled around and stomped down the stairs and into the gateroom. Daniel quickly straightened when she walked through the blast doors, but didn't wipe the grin off his face fast enough. Sam glared at him.

He shrugged. "You and Jack are really into the whole innuendo thing, huh?" he smirked at her.

Sam frowned, but continued to glare. "What do you mean?"

"Yeah, that's what he said too." Daniel smiled sweetly as the gate 'kawhooshed' and the wormhole stabilized. Without another word he turned, walked up the ramp, and disappeared into the event horizon. Teal'c smiled, inclined his head and followed the younger man.

Sam glanced at the colonel, her glare fading. "Sir…what I said. I didn't mean--," Jack cut her off, by waving his hand in a dismissive gesture.

"Don't worry about it, Carter." He smiled and walked up the ramp. Sam hurried to catch up and fall into step with him. He paused at the edge of the wormhole and half-turned to her, giving her a small smirk. "Besides, I'm glad I can always make you come."

Before she could reply he ducked into the wormhole, knowing there would be hell to pay on the other side.

**TBC**

**A/N: Really short and really dumb, I know. Mucho sorry. The next one is gonna be really dirty, so I figured I'd build up to it. LOL. Please R&R!**


	9. Whoot for Fruit!

Chapter 9: Whoot for Fruit

**Chapter 9: Whoot for Fruit!**

**Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.**

**A/N: Bwahahahahahahaha!! A dirty one! Yay! LOL. I'm not really crazy, you know. Not totally….well…maybe a little bit. :D**

**So, this one is for all the daughters out there who have ever been embarrassed by their fathers. That's right…Jacob screws up this time. In a very…blush-worthy way. LOL.**

**Spoilers for "Descent" season 6. Oh! And slightly AU, cause I didn't kill off Daniel. So Daniel's there and Jonas is not.**

**ENJOY!!**

Hammond sat in his office going over his latest batch of paperwork. This round was dealing with SG-1's most recent possession of a Goa'uld mothership. And their most recent _loss_ of a Goa'uld mothership.Unfortunately, it happened to be the same mothership that they found and then, subsequently, lost. Though, when Hammond thought about it, the loss was much less than it could have been. He had almost lost two of his best officers on that ship. They had almost _drowned_ on a _ship_.

As horrifying as their almost-deaths had been, Hammond appreciated the irony. A ship is supposed to _fly_; not crash-land in the _ocean_ and fill up with _water_.

'_Yes, well, leave it to SG-1._' Hammond thought idly as he signed the bottom of a few of the papers. _'Speaking of SG-1…they should be back soon.'_ SG-1 plus Jacob had gone on a recon mission to P7R-333 approximately 28 hours ago. Hammond shook his head. Not even a week after their harrowing mission on that ship, all of SG-1 had practically demanded that they be allowed back on the mission rotation. The General had acquiesced, but had given them an easy mission to start off with.

P7R-333 was a vegetative planet. Nothing but, trees, plants, flowers, and fruit for as far as the eye could see. Dr. Jackson had expressed an interest in bringing some of the fruit and other vegetation back during their last check-in. Seeing no reason not to, Hammond had agreed.

Focusing his attention back on the papers, he groaned as he read the next notice. Apparently Siler and his crew had messed with the intercom so now every word that was said in the gateroom got projected all over the base. _'Great.'_ Hammond groaned again. _'This is just what I need.'_ Now the klaxons would be doubly loud. The estimated time till it was fixed was three hours. Quickly going through his mental list of offworld teams, he sighed in relief when only one team was scheduled to come back in the next five hours. The problem should be fixed by the time SG-17 got back.

As if on cue, the klaxons began to glare…and lo and behold…they were _loud_. Beyond loud. The extra echo that the PA system sent through the base was teeth-jarring. Pushing himself up from behind his desk he hurried down to the gateroom.

"Receiving IDC, sir." Walter said as Hammond entered the room. "It's SG-1."

"Open the iris." Hammond nodded to the sergeant. Walter nodded back and pressed his hand into the iris controls. The metal barrier slid open and General Hammond made his way down to the gateroom. He didn't have to wait long.

Daniel came threw the gate first, his arms full of a green, leafy…thing. Teal'c was next, his arms empty save for his staff weapon.

"Dr. Jackson, why are you carrying the plants? We sent you an empty pack to put your findings in." Hammond frowned as he watched Daniel struggle to speak around the leaves.

Daniel grinned guiltily. "Uh…well, you see…they kinda…" he trailed off and avoided the older man's eyes.

"They could not withstand the weight of the vegetation, General Hammond." Teal'c stepped forward with a quirk of his eyebrow.

"They…it _broke?_" Hammond looked at the pair in disbelief. "That's the strongest pack we had!"

"It did, indeed, break, General Hammond." Teal'c inclined his head slightly.

"Teal'c…a little help?" Daniel's voice was strained and his face was red from the weight of the plants.

"I do not believe that to be wise, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c gave a slight smile and moved to stand beside the General.

"And why is that?" Daniel struggled down the ramp on wobbly legs.

"Because I do not wish to overexert myself." Teal'c turned away from the shocked archaeologist and handed his staff weapon to the nearest SF.

"You don't….I can't believe you…" Daniel spluttered. Three SFs moved to relieve Daniel of his burden. "Thank you." He said as he glared at Teal'c.

"Where is the rest of the team, Dr. Jackson?" Hammond gestured toward the still undisturbed wormhole.

"They're coming." Daniel straightened his uniform and nodded to the SF who took his gun. "Jack and Jacob were arguing over how much stuff they were bringing back and Sam stayed to play peacemaker."

Hammond fought the urge to smile. Jacob and the colonel were both very stubborn men. "Well, let's hope they hurry it up."

Teal'c inclined his head. "Indeed."

A minute later Jack came strolling through and walked noisily down the ramp. "General!" he greeted the older man jovially. Hammond frowned, instantly suspicious. The Colonel only smiled like that when he had done something wrong. _'Wonder if he pushed Jake too far. He should know…if he wants to get the girl…he's gotta get in with her dad.'_ Hammond shook his head slightly. He could _not_ think those thoughts. They would only lead to trouble.

Besides, he knew that Jake really liked his daughter's CO. Even if he would never admit it. The General also knew that Jack liked and respected Jake…even though _he'd_ never admit it either.

"Colonel." Hammond nodded. Jack stopped halfway down the ramp and turned, looking expectantly at the bright event horizon.

Jacob was the next one through. His arms were laden with bundles of brightly colored blossoms. The flowers seemed to be giving off a dust that covered the retired general in a myriad of brilliant colors. A fact that Jacob looked none too happy about.

Sam stumbled through next. Her arms were full of round objects that had thus far been called melons. They were extremely heavy and a few tumbled from Sam's insecure grip and crashed onto the ramp. "Dammit." She muttered. Jack moved towards her, intent upon taking some of the fruit from her arms.

However, from Jacob's vantage point (behind all the dusty flowers) he couldn't see that Jack was already in motion. Instead, he did what any good father would do. He shouted for Jack to help her. A shout that was heard all over the base, thanks to the messed up intercom system.

"Jack! Grab my daughter's melons!"

The entire base froze.

Had they just heard…what it sounded like they just heard? No…Jacob would _never_ order Jack O'Neill to grab Sam Carter's…

No. Oh, God no.

A resounding crash signaled that Sam had just dropped all the fruit onto the ramp. "Dad!" She glared at her father and felt her cheeks heat up. No way was she gonna look at the colonel. No way, no way, no way!

Too late.

Her eyes darted to her CO and saw him standing a few feet away from her, mouth open in surprise and staring at her father with a mixture of shock, embarrassment, and a _little _bit of humor. _'How can he possibly find this funny?'_ Sam briefly wondered before his eyes met hers. A twinkle of mischief lit up his brown eyes and he grinned at her.

Raising her eyebrow in a 'don't say a word' manner, she turned back to her father. "Dad! Do you realize what you just said?"

Jacob looked at her dubiously, then back at Daniel who was bent double, his shoulders shaking with laughter. Teal'c raised his eyebrow and the corners of his mouth twitched. Hammond's face was quickly turning purple in his attempt not to laugh. He failed, however, as Jacob's clueless eyes met his. He alone knew that the whole of Cheyenne Mountain had heard that little…_request_. And, up in the control room, Walter and the other technicians were all cracking up.

"What?" Jacob frowned at his daughter. They were all acting very strangely. Even Selmac had no idea what was going on. "What'd I say?"

"Dad! You just told the colonel to--," Sam broke off, turning a deep shade of red. _'As tempting as that sounded…No! Wait! What the hell? Thoughts like that will only bring you a shiny, new court martial.'_

Jacob nodded. "I told him to help you. Sam, I wasn't doubting your abilities, I just wanted to make sure you didn't have to carry the entire load yourself." Jacob explained, misreading his daughter's (and the rest of the listeners) reaction.

Jack looked at Jacob, then down at the fruit that was rolling down the ramp, then up at Sam. Her eyes were turned towards him, embarrassment and agitation making them a darker blue than they usually were. She mouthed, 'Help!' when she realized he was looking at her.

Jack shook his head and shrugged helplessly. Anything he said would either get him court-martialed or decked by Jacob. Neither scenario sat well with Jack. Sam rolled her eyes and turned to look at her so called "friends." Glaring at each of them in turn, she was a little more at ease when each straightened up and did their best not to let anymore chuckles out.

"Dad." Sam said patiently, in a tone most adults used when talking to particularly dense children. "Think about what you just said." Sam waited as she saw Jacob frown, recalling what words he had uttered.

"All I said was for Jack to grab your…Oh. My. God." Jacob's eyes widened and he flushed.

"Which one?" Jack quipped. He loved to make fun of the Goa'uld and their Gods…might as well have some fun with a Tok'ra. Though, Jacob wasn't _totally_ a Tok'ra. _'Close enough.'_ Jack thought to himself as he shrugged.

Jacob glared at Jack, ignoring his comment. "Jack O'Neill, you will do no such thing! You will not touch my daughter's…" he huffed as he tried to think of a PG way to say 'melons' and settled for glaring when no words came.

"Ah, come on, Jake." Jack grinned mischievously. "I'd never do that." He gave an exaggerated wink and Jacob took a threatening step forward. Sam grabbed his shoulder and Jack took a wary step back. "What? You said it."

"Sir." Sam pleaded with him with her eyes. They stared at each other a second too long and both glanced away, embarrassed.

Daniel stepped forward in an attempt to keep the peace. "It could be worse." He held each of their eyes and shrugged, putting on a little smile. "At least the whole base didn't hear it."

Jack raised an eyebrow and gave a half-nod. Sam closed her eyes. "At least there's that." She breathed. Jacob was still red, but no longer fighting to get at Jack.

"Actually…" Hammond stepped onto the ramp and avoided the eyes of the three people on front of him. He felt them tense as they waited for the inevitable 'other shoe' to drop. "We're having some technical difficulties…and, well…long story short…the whole base _did_ hear it."

"What!" They shouted in unison.

"What'd you mean 'the whole base heard it?'" Jack gawked at his superior officer.

Sam was staring at the general like he had grown three heads and Jacob's hands clenched into fists.

"We're having some problems with the intercom. Seems everything that's said in the gateroom is actually transmitted through the entire mountain through the PA." Hammond explained. Boy, did he wish he had a camera.

Daniel was leaning against the ramp's safety bar for support as he gasped for air. _'Oh, this is rich! This is too good! Oh, geez…they are so pissed.'_

Teal'c was wearing a full-blown smile. His colleague's reactions were very amusing.

After glancing at Carter again, and seeing his suspicions confirmed in her expression, turned towards the control room.

"Siler!"

Three levels up, Sergeant Siler blanched. "I think I'm gonna cut out early."

"That's probably for the best." His assistant agreed, recognizing the irate tone of the colonel's voice. "You should probably take a few days off too…you know…"

Siler nodded, dropped his wrench, and bolted for the elevator.

**TBC**

**A/N: Please R&R!!**


	10. Super Bounce

Chapter 10: Super-Bounce

**Chapter 10: Super-Bounce**

**Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.**

**A/N: I am SO SO SO SO SO SO sorry!! It's been more than a week since I updated. Very, very, very extremely sorry! There's no excuse, but my bastard English teacher made a snide comment about a report I turned in. He told me I was too wordy and wrote 'elliptically.' Bastard. Oh, well. His opinions. It just kinda threw me off with the "writing mood."**

**But, I'm back! And I figured I'd bring a Hammond flub into this. LOL. It's pretty blunt. Warning and age limit still stand. Bwahahaha! This is my personal favorite. Just cause it's so…**

**You'll see. ******

**Again, AU cause Daniel's not dead.**

**Spoilers for "Paradise Lost" season 6.**

**ENJOY!!**

Jack strolled down the corridors of the SGC with a slight bounce in his step. He had never thought he'd be so happy to see these grey walls again. He'd only been back from that goddamn deserted "paradise" a week, but those seven days had done wonders. His leg was healing nicely and the painful twangs of 'homesickness' had disappeared.

The minute the Tok'ra had dropped him back off at the SGC he had been rushed by Daniel. The man had thrown his arms around Jack's neck before the Colonel knew what was happening. After steadying himself, he hugged the archaeologist back. Anyone else, he would not have shown such emotion (for fear it would be misconstrued as…nevermind), but Daniel was Daniel.

And he did love the space monkey. As a brother, that is.

The younger man had been babbling nonsense even as he still held tight to Jack. And when Jack said tight…he meant _tight_. The space monkey sure had beefed up in the last few years. The only words Jack had managed to catch were, "Worried…Gone for so long…Sam…snapped at Dr. Lee…nearly drove herself into the ground…" and after that, it had been unintelligible.

Though what he had heard was worrisome. What had Carter done? He had no doubts that it was her who had gotten him back. But…what the hell did she do to herself in the process?

He had gotten his answer when the crowd of "welcome back" wishers had parted when she entered the gateroom. Her eyes had been focused on her boots, but she slowly brought her gaze to meet his. Dark circles underscored her eyes, and there was a haunted look about her face. She looked thinner and an air of weariness surrounded her. Jack also noticed the way some of the personnel were keeping a wary distance.

Jack had grinned inwardly. He knew what a pissed Carter could do. And, apparently, some of the base personnel had…_pissed_ her off. Royally.

Jack had given her a small smile. "Carter." He said and took a step towards her, lifting his arms slightly from his sides in a tentative gesture.

Sam had closed her eyes and let out a breath, before stepping into his arms and wrapping her own tightly around him, taking a deep breath. "Glad to have you back, sir." She murmured into his chest.

"Glad to be back, Carter." He had responded. After a moment they both pulled back, aware of their surroundings. He squeezed her shoulders and gave her another smile. "Thanks." He said quietly.

Sam had flushed and shook her head quickly. "Wasn't just me. It was--," he held up a hand.

"Daniel already told me." He dropped his chin a little, giving her another grateful smile.

……………………………..

Jack stopped outside of Carter's lab and knocked briefly on the open door. He had been so caught up in his memories that he hadn't even realized where his feet were taking him. He was glad that his old habits had come back to him so easily after his…absence.

Sam glanced up, her heart giving a start. After him being gone for so long, it was wonderful having him stroll into her lab whenever he pleased. "Sir." She acknowledged, giving him a small smile before dropping her eyes back to the artifact she was working on.

"Carter." He sat on her stool (as she was currently occupying the floor) and picked up a…doohickey. "Briefing in T-minus fifteen." He reminded her, frowning when the thing he was holding began to whir.

"Sir!" Carter jumped up and snatched the thing from his hands before tossing it across her workbench. No less than three seconds after it left his hand, had five inch long spikes shot out of every available surface on the artifact. Really, really _sharp_…_pointy_…spikes.

That would have hurt. A lot.

"Geez, Carter! What the hell are you doing with things like that?" he demanded, gesturing his hands toward the pokey thing. He knew they dealt with situations way more dangerous than _that_...but…why did she have to take the risks?

"Your welcome, sir." Sam smiled briefly at him, his small nod of thanks taking the edge off his words. "And, yes, I remember the briefing. I was actually getting ready to leave…" Sam gestured towards her door.

"Kicking me out, Carter?" he teased, standing.

Sam blinked, his smile disarming her slightly. "No, sir?" It came out more like a question.

Jack rolled his eyes. "C'mon." He grasped her elbow, pleased when she didn't stiffen or pull away, and began dragging her to the door.

"Wait, no…sir." She pleaded, but made no effort to move from his strong grip. "My experiments…" she watched helplessly as Jack dragged her out the door and down the corridor, her lab disappearing from view. "Well, fine." She straightened her BDU jacket when he released her arm, and shot him a playful look. "If it blows up, I'll just blame you."

"Can't blame me." He shrugged.

"No? And why is that?"

"Cause." He shrugged smugly and kept his eyes ahead of him.

"Cause." She repeated, disbelievingly. _'What is he…two?'_

"Yep."

Sam waited for further elaboration, but soon realized she wasn't getting any. Instead, she sighed and shook her head. God, she had missed him.

"Hey, Sam, Jack." Daniel said as the Colonel and Major entered the briefing room. He was already seated at the table, coffee and mission folder in hand. Teal'c was sitting next to him and nodded his greetings to the pair.

"Daniel, Teal'c." They said at the same time. Daniel glanced up, blinking rapidly. It was always disconcerting when they did that. Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow. Sam and Jack shared an amused look before sitting on the opposite side from Danny and T.

"Oh! Jack, I almost forgot…" Daniel frowned as he reached into his pocket and produced two small super-bounce balls. "You left these in my office before your…vacation." Jack rolled his eyes at Daniel's choice of words. "I found them when I…oh so gracefully tripped over them."

Jack raised his eyebrow, laughter in his eyes. "Yeah, I'd been wondering where I left those." He reached out his hand and took the toys from Daniel. The archaeologist glared at him. "Thanks, Danny."

Daniel snorted. "No problem."

Sam glanced at Teal'c, his mouth was quirked in the tiniest of smiles and he seemed to be as amused by the banter as the Major. It had been too long since they heard that.

"SG-1." Hammond stepped out of his office and greeted his flagship team. It was good to have all of them there. They were preparing for their first mission since Colonels Maybourne and O'Neill had gotten trapped offworld. Jack had been anxious to get back out there, but Janet and Hammond had insisted that he take a week off.

The two military officers in SG-1 rose from their seats in respect. He nodded to them and took his own seat and waited until they had retaken theirs before speaking. "It's good to have you back, SG-1."

They all nodded their consent and waited for the General to continue. "Dr. Jackson, if you would be so kind as to enlighten us about the upcoming mission?" Hammond gestured for Daniel to…enlighten. Daniel nodded and began to speak.

Jack half-listened. Rocks…blah, blah….trees….blah…peaceful peoples…so on and so forth. Jack, after glancing surreptiously around, took out the bouncy balls and held them an equal distance above the table.

_Doink. Doink. Doink. _He let them bounce three times before snatching them up again. He knew that he _really_ shouldn't be doing this. As great a rapport as he had with the General…his tolerance of Jack only went so far. _'Those weeks of 'solitude' have done a number on my judgment.'_ Jack thought idly. _'Not that I had much to begin with…'_

Daniel chose to ignore Jack's antics and the soft chuckles coming from Sam. The General squeezed his eyes shut and counted to ten, before refocusing on the Doctor.

_Doink. Doink. Doink. Doink. Doink. Doink. Doink. _Each sound increased in rapidity the more it bounced. Jack caught them before they bounced off the table. Leaning back, he gave Sam a slow, lazy smile and dropped the bouncy balls again. She blushed at the flirtatiousness in his expression and stifled a laugh as the balls hit the table.

Hammond did his best to focus on what Daniel was saying, but the 'doinking' had become very irksome. He flicked his gaze to his 2IC, debating whether to yell at him to put them away or to just reach over and grab them himself. In a fit of laziness, Hammond decided against the second option. He also discarded the first option, knowing the Colonel would probably only stop for a little while before resuming his playing.

No…he would have to get someone else to take it from Jack. Daniel and Teal'c were too far away, so that left…Sam.

Daniel had stopped talking and was now glaring at Jack, half amused, half annoyed. Teal'c was also staring at the Colonel, an eyebrow raised and a slightly reproving grimace on his lips. Sam was looking at the table, fighting to hide her smile.

Jack raised his eyes to the General in the sudden silence. Smirking mischievously he held eye contact with Hammond as he raised his hands, the toys clutched in his fingers, daring the General with his eyes to stop him. Jack cocked his head in a 'too late' gesture and released the toys.

_Doink. Doink. Doink. Doink._ Jack grabbed them again, grin in place.

That was it.

How dare the man have such audacity!

General Hammond took a deep breath and, with a fierce glare, raised his voice past the point of shouting. "Major Carter! Seize Colonel O'Neill's balls!"

A stunned silence followed his words.

A silence that was broken when Daniel's limp hand released his coffee cup and sent it shattering to the floor.

Still, no one spoke. Daniel's mouth was agape, his eyes darting between the reddening, very embarrassed General, the stunned Jack, and the flushed, shocked Sam. The balls rolled onto the floor, forgotten. Teal'c sat back in his chair, folding his hands over his stomach, eyebrow still raised and a definite smirk lighting his features.

Realizing that they couldn't just sit in stunned silence any longer, the General made an attempt to rectify his mistake. Jack's expression had already moved from stunned to amused and slightly smug.

"That…that was—was…did _not_…I mean—it's…" Hammond spluttered waiting for his military brusqueness to kick back in. _'Come on…anytime now…'_ Hammond very rarely slipped up so badly. He was always very careful not to say anything misleading or provocative or indicative of something inappropriate. Especially when it came to these two officers. Sure, it was fine when he and the other base members were joking around off the record, but…never to their faces. And never in the briefing room.

Damn.

Daniel, just noticing that his hand was no longer occupied by a cup, cleared his throat. All eyes turned to him; the General's blue gaze was almost pleading. Daniel gulped and smiled nervously. "I…uh…" chickening out at the last second (or perhaps enjoying watching the General flounder a little too much), he quickly changed his line of thought. "I, uh, need a mop." He smiled sheepishly.

Hammond glared at him before beseechingly turning to Teal'c.

"Is there something you wish of me, General Hammond?" Teal'c asked, being purposely dense. He, too, enjoyed watching the usually dignified man stutter.

Hammond flushed deeper, now greatly resembling a plum. "No, Teal'c. Nothing. Thank you." He spoke through clenched teeth. Sam was now staring at her hands, which were fiddling restlessly on her thighs. Her shoulders were shaking slightly and Hammond feared that she was crying. That is…until he realized she was _laughing_.

Jack noticed it too, and grinned. This was too rich. Hammond telling Carter to…to…Jack burst out laughing. Which caused Sam's near silent giggles to turn into full blown laughter as well. Daniel coughed loudly and hurriedly turned toward the large picture window overlooking the gate. His shoulders were shaking and Hammond realized with horror that he was laughing too. Teal'c glanced at all of their mirth-filled faces, then locked eyes with Hammond.

Grinning slightly, the big Jaffa searched his mind for the phrase that O'Neill had taught him a long while ago. "It seems, General Hammond, that you have inserted your foot into your mouth."

Hammond groaned. Setting his face into his best "General" glare, he surveyed SG-1. "Not a word of this leaves this room. If I so much as hear an _allusion_ to this…_incident_…I will make sure you all fly desks for the rest or your natural born lives." His voice was low and menacing.

"Yes, sir." Sam and Jack spoke simultaneously again. Their voices were low and choked with barely contained humor. Daniel just nodded his head, his back still towards the rest of the group. Teal'c continued to smirk.

Hammond stood up abruptly and spun towards his office, sighing inwardly. He had officially lost all control of SG-1. It didn't bother him that much; they were an extremely capable team…no…he just didn't want any word of what he said to leave that room. Losing control over his flagship was one thing…losing control of the entire base was something completely different.

As Hammond reached his office door, he heard Dr. Jackson's amused voice laughing around his words. "Wonder if he remembered the security cameras in here? Five bucks says that line is playing over the intercom by morning."

He also heard Jack's mirth-filled voice. He had been expecting this comment. But that didn't mean he wanted to hear it.

"You know, Carter…the General did _order_ you to--," his sly, mischievous voice was cut off by an embarrassed (and very un-Carter-like) squeal.

"Sir!"

"What?" Jack was the picture of innocence. "He ordered you to, Carter." God, he loved messing with her like this. If only…_'No!'_ Jack kicked himself inwardly in a futile attempt to banish those thoughts.

Fat chance of that happening.

Oh, he had it bad.

Jack snickered when the General's door slammed shut. He winked at Sam and stood up.

"Cake, anyone?"

**TBC**

**A/N: Stupid, yes. But hilariously fun to write! LOL. Please R&R!!**


	11. Anatomy Lessons

Chapter 11: Anatomy Lessons

**Chapter 11: Anatomy Lessons**

**Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.**

**A/N: I am so so so so so so so sorry! I meant to update, but then I went to Halloween Horror Nights…and I got caught up reading all the other fanfics out there…and I totally forgot about my own stories! Very sorry again!**

**So, this one is mucho smutty. Warning and age limit still apply. I'm proceeding under the assumption you all know what happens to a man and a woman's body when they…you know. Stuff.**

**See? I can't even say it. I'm worried about getting blasted for being too graphic. Please don't flame me! Just…tell me politely if I need to take it down.**

**ENJOY!!**

Oh, bad day. Bad day. Why did it have to be a bad day?

Come to think of it…Jack had known it would be a bad day the second he woke up. It was a good thing he had slept on base, cause he had _seriously_ overslept. He had had barely enough time to throw on a clean pair of BDU's and some deodorant before racing to the briefing SG-1 had scheduled for 0500 that morning.

The briefing had started off fine, Daniel only making a few snide comments about the colonel's disheveled appearance. It didn't help much that Carter had shown up in a similar state of untidiness. Her BDU's rumpled and her hair tousled.

All in all…she looked adorable.

But both officers who so very obviously had a _"thing"_ for showing up looking tired and messy…well, it led witnesses to believe that something had…transpired.

When it _so_ had not.

Too bad.

Carter managed to smooth out her hair and unwrinkle her uniform a bit before the General came in. While Jack was sure the General would have overlooked her less than spic appearance, Carter liked to keep it professional.

Jack, on the other hand, mussed his hair even more earning a small smirk from Sam.

So worth it.

It was the end of the briefing that crashed on Jack's head. This was their first mission following the incident of Nirrti's latest experiment. They had lost the Russian Colonel Evanov and…he had almost lost Carter.

Nirrti had messed with her genetics and almost killed her. Jack shuddered to think what would have happened if he hadn't been able to get through to Woden and Egar.

He shook his head. No. He wouldn't dwell on the past.

Carter was fine. She was here and she was fine.

But the Russians weren't. Oh, no. The Russians were pissed.

So pissed, in fact, that they demanded another team be sent through with SG-1 on their next mission. Which was today.

They were going to P4X-997 or, as Jack had dubbed, the 'big honkin' plant' planet. This because that was all the planet seemed to be. Just chalk full of huge, leafy plants. Plants that came in various hues of green, blue, pink, and purple.

Pretty, yes. Boring, definitely. Chance of danger, high. Why?

Because SG-1 never got the easy planets. And because any planet that seems to exude only planty peace is usually very, very bad.

And now they were hampering SG-1 with _another_ Russian team. Which was just plain annoying. Every time a Russian tagged along they got killed. Or almost got one of Jack's team killed.

Dammit.

Yes, that was the second sign that today was gonna royally suck.

The third was a relatively small blip…it really shouldn't have meant too much.

But it did.

And they all knew it.

Walter.

Called.

In.

Sick.

That boded badly.

Three omens.

Three murkily clear signs.

And here he was. Right where he thought he'd be. In a bad situation.

Turns out the plants weren't as harmless as they seemed on camera. No…they didn't like having their territory invaded. Especially by males. Immediately upon exiting the wormhole, Jack had been snatched by a thick vine-like plant and held in the air, his toes barely touching the ground.

A quick glance showed that Daniel, Teal'c, and the entire Russian team (who were letting a flood of Russian curses so volatile they were making Daniel blush) were in the same position. Only Carter, God bless her, seemed to escape the evil plant's wrath. The vines only slithered around her feet. Close, but not touching her.

After discovering that they weren't going to attack her and they didn't seem to want to _hurt_ the guys, she found the situation quite hilarious. Sam was doing an admirable job of not letting her mirth show…that is, until, the vine holding Teal'c decided it would be prudent to turn the Jaffa upside down and shake him.

Repeatedly.

"I am not enjoying this." Teal'c growled after several minutes on the plant rollercoaster.

That was when Sam had lost it. Doubling over she had to grab onto the MALP to stay upright.

"This is not amusing, Major Carter." Teal'c ground out, wiggling futilely against his bonds.

"No…no, of course not, Teal'c." Sam gasped as she fought her laughter. "Not…funny…at all."

"Carter!" Jack shouted, trying to infuse his voice with frustration instead of humor. "Little less laughter, little more getting me down!" He glanced around when Daniel cleared his throat pointedly. "Us. Getting _us_ down." He gave Daniel a 'happy now?' look and shook his head when Daniel grinned smugly.

"Yes, sir." Sam cleared her throat and straightened her vest, looking around for anything that could help. Her gaze landed upon a small lizard-like creature that also seemed to be caught by the plants. "Looks like you're not the only ones in this…predicament." The men turned to see what she was looking at.

"How…cute." Daniel frowned. "An alien lizard. Hm."

"Yes, Daniel. Cute." Jack quipped. "Carter, how does that help us?"

"Well…I can try different methods of removal on him." She turned and met his gaze, raising an eyebrow. "Unless you want me to use you as the guinea pig?"

"Ah…no."

"Didn't think so."

"Snippiness, Carter?" Jack raised his eyebrows and glared down at his 2IC. The small smirk on his lips gave away that he was only kidding.

"Nuh-uh."

"Insubordination?"

"Never." She smiled and bounced on her heels, imitating the action she had often seen her CO do.

Jack opened his mouth to respond, but Daniel cleared his throat again. "This is sweet and all…but I'd really like to get down." He glanced at Teal'c, who was no longer being shaken, but was still upside down. "And so would Teal'c."

The Russian leader shouted angrily and thrashed around. "Uh…he says, 'me too.'" Daniel cleared his throat and glared at the Russian.

Jack and Sam raised their eyebrows in identical expressions of disbelief. "Oh? That was a very long 'me too.'" Jack asked, throwing the Russian man a contemptuous look.

"Um, yes, well…he may have added some other…words." Daniel coughed again.

Sam ducked her head, hiding her smile and Jack scowled at the Russian.

"**Cмотреть!" The harsh cry startled all those present.**

**"He says, 'Look!'" Daniel translated. They all turned to look at the lizard-y thing again. A little furry creature that greatly resembled a bunny was slowly approaching the lizard.**

**"Cute." Sam said, a little grin playing over her lips.**

**"I do not believe creatures with fangs are…'cute'…Major Carter." Teal'c glowered at the upside down world.**

**"Bunnicula, anyone?" Jack said, referring to child series containing a bunny with vampire…qualities.**

**"Ha. Ha." Daniel said. "Just watch." Jack scowled, but turned his gaze back to "bunny" and the "lizard."**

**And that's when ****_it_**** happened.**

**As the "bunny" got closer the vine seemed to tighten. And tighten. And tighten. Then when the "bunny" was six inches from its prey…**

**Both the "bunny" and the "lizard" exploded. **

**As in boom.**

**Suddenly…the situation wasn't so funny.**

**Jack, Daniel, Teal'c, and the Russian team all froze; afraid to make the slightest movement for fear they would befall the same fate. Sam froze too. Her eyes wide with horror, she slowly turned to face her friends.**

**"дерьмо"** The Russian 2IC said flatly, terror evident on his face.

"Shit." Sam agreed. She understood that one.

"Okay…nobody panic." Daniel said, his eyes wide behind his glasses.

"Right. Why would we panic? It's not like we're gonna explode." Jack shouted sarcastically. "Oh, wait! Yes, we are!"

"Sir, that's not helping!" Sam shouted back. She couldn't even think about what she would do if he…if any of them…exploded. They were more than her friends…they were her family. And one was even more than that. _Jack_ was more than that. She didn't care if she had crossed the insubordination line, she needed to get them out of there.

Now.

"Carter!" Jack growled. He wasn't angry with her…but he didn't want her to see them…die.

"Sir!" she squeezed her eyes shut. "Please. I—I need to figure this out." She leaned against the MALP, careful not to go near the guys. Taking a deep breath, she turned back to the colonel. "Colonel…do you trust me?"

Jack met her eyes. "Yes."

"Good." Sam took a few steps closer to him. The vine contracted and Jack groaned. Sam backed off quickly, leaning against the MALP again. So it reacted to humans the same way it did animals. "You see, sir? As I get closer, it tightens around you, and we'll explode together."

As dire as the situation was…Sam knew she _definitely _should have worded that better. Raising her eyes to meet Jack's, she knew he heard the double meaning behind her words.

And he found them hilarious.

She blushed hotly as he burst out laughing, along with Daniel…and Teal'c.

Wait, Teal'c?

Oh, the blood had _so _gone to his head.

The Russians stared at the three laughing members of SG-1 and the flushing Major.

"**какой?" One of the Russians asked.**

**Daniel, gasping for breath, repeated Sam's words in Russian. After a pregnant pause the entire Russian team cracked up. Sam's blush deepened and, in between guffaws, Jack noticed how attractive she looked with red cheeks.**

**"Guys…I didn't mean…you know what I…" she trailed, realizing her attempts to back track only made them laugh harder. Fueled by embarrassed indignation, Sam crossed her arms and jutted out her hip. "I wouldn't piss me off. Given what would happen if I walk close to you." Oh yeah, she'd make sure she got out of the way before they exploded.**

**"Yeah…it tightens around us…and we'll all explode…together." Daniel choked out. His laughter was stopped abruptly as he hit the ground. Stunned silence followed. When his mind caught up with what just happened, he scrambled away from the vine and landed unceremoniously at Sam's feet.**

**Forgetting about being laughed at, Sam reached down and helped Daniel to his feet.**

**"Hey, how'd you--!" Jack started indignantly when, he too, landed gracelessly on the ground. Standing quickly and hurrying to Carter's other side, he heard five more thumps as Teal'c and the Russian team were also released.**

**"But, how--!" Sam started, but Jack clamped a hand on her arm.**

**"Never mind. Daniel, dial us out. Now." Jack ordered as Teal'c and the Russians scrambled towards them.**

**"Right." Daniel pressed the symbols and the wormhole 'kawhooshed' out. The vines retracted, disappearing into the colorful foliage.**

**"Move out!" Jack commanded. They rushed through the gate, the MALP following after Sam punched in the control commands.**

**They landed noisily on the metal ramp of the SGC. "Shut it down!" Jack ordered. He didn't want any of the vines getting brave and trying to follow them.**

**"SG-1, report!" The General's voice rang through the gateroom. "You've only been gone twenty minutes!"**

**"Yes, General!" Jack shouted back. "A very long, eventful twenty minutes!"**

**"What happened?" Hammond asked.**

**"Plants, General. Plants, happened." Jack said, rolling his eyes.**

**Hammond turned to Daniel when it became obvious that he wasn't going to get a straight answer from his 2IC. "Dr. Jackson?"**

**"What he said, General." Daniel replied distractedly. He had noticed a small red button on the MALP was blinking. ****_'I've never noticed that before.'_**

**The General raised his eyebrows in surprise.**

**"General, with your permission, we'd like to get cleaned up before the briefing." Jack asked, glancing back at Daniel, who seemed enthralled with the MALP.**

**"Granted. Report to the infirmary first, Colonel." Hammond inwardly shook his head at Jack's attempt to avoid post mission protocol. **

**"Ah…yes, infirmary. Penlights, needles…power mongers." Jack quipped as he started for the blast doors. Sam followed him, laughing softly.**

**Then she stopped dead in her tracks. So did Jack. In fact, everyone stopped what they were doing and listened to a very familiar voice fill the gateroom and the control room.**

**A very familiar voice emanating from the MALP.**

**Sam whipped around and met the gaze of a very guilty Daniel. What had he done?**

**Sam's tinny voice rang clear from the MALP. "You see, sir? As I get closer, it tightens around you, and we'll explode together."**

**Sam dropped her head and attempted to back out of the room, but, instead, ran into Jack's chest. His hands automatically came up to rest on her shoulders.**

**"Where's the fire, Carter?" He joked, not moving away from her. "Stick around."**

**The gateroom had exploded in laughter. And, Sam couldn't hear it, but she was sure that the control room was in a similar state of hilarity.**

**"Sorry, Sam…I just pressed this…red…button…" Daniel trailed in between chuckles. Turns out, MALPs have record buttons. Sam must have pressed it when she leaned against it on the planet.**

**Oh, that was rich.**

**"Daniel." Sam growled, trying to rush at him, but Jack held her back, pulling her against his chest again.**

**"Relax." Jack said in a low voice, so that only she could hear. She shivered as his breath whispered against her neck. "It's not a big deal. We'll only make fun of you for, oh, ever."**

**Sam dropped her chin to her chest and shook her head when Jack squeezed her shoulders, releasing her. Turning quickly and hurrying from the room, Sam tried to shove her embarrassment down.**

**'_Oh yeah.'_**** Sam thought mournfully. ****_'My career is over.'_**

**--**

**A/N: Please R&R!! Oh, and much kudos to whoever guesses where I got 'murky clarity' from. It's elementary, yes…but guessing games are fun!**

**Oh, and I decided laughter was what got the vines to let go. Haha. LOL.**

**Sorry about the weird formatting! I don't know what's up with the bold…but I can't fix it. Sorry. ******


	12. Cassie and Her Fun

**Chapter 12: Cassie and Her Fun**

**Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.**

**A/N: Sorry for the wait! Can you guys (fellow US people) believe it's voting day? I don't know about you guys, but I am glad that all those campaign commercials are finally over. I was getting sick of hearing the same things over and over again.**

**BTW: I really love the slip up in the next chapter. I was given the idea by Matrix234; amazing, by the way!! It's very clever! So, be on the lookout for that, kay?**

**ENJOY!!!**

Cassie bounced up and down in the backseat, her seatbelt being the only thing keeping her in her seat. Even though she was just shy of eighteen, she still got all 'little-girl' excited when going to a fair. She had begged her mom and hounded Sam, Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c to come to the traveling fair with her. It was only half an hour away from Cheyenne Mountain, so if any "big emergencies" happened, they were still close by.

It had taken awhile, but Cassie had managed to convince all of them. Teal'c had been the most eager to go; he had never been to a fair before. Everybody else went when she pulled out the guilt card, pouted, and said, "But…my birthday is so close…and I'll be going to college soon…and then who knows when we'll all see each other again…" in her most pathetic voice.

It worked beautifully.

And, now, here they were. Teal'c and Cassie were in the back seat of her mom's van, Sam and Jack were sitting (quite closely) in the small middle seat, and her mom and Daniel in the front. It may have seemed like the seating arrangements were spur of the moment…but Cassie had taken careful time to plan it. Unlike most minivans, the backseat of Janet's was the biggest so it'd be the smartest thing for Teal'c to sit there, right?

And the middle seat was the smallest…so it would have made more sense if Cassie and Sam shared it, while Jack and Teal'c took the back. But…Cassie wanted to tell Teal'c all about fairs before they actually got there…so those arrangements couldn't be helped. Sam and Jack would just have to deal.

And, oh! How they did.

Their legs were pressed together due to the confines of the seat and Jack had slung his arm over the back of the seat in order to minimize discomfort. This resulted in his arm becoming Sam's headrest. Cassie, who had predicted Jack's arm movement, had strategically reclined the seat enough so that _not_ leaning against it would be very uncomfortable.

So Sam had no choice.

A fact, Cassie noticed, neither Sam nor Jack was complaining about.

Daniel sat in the passenger seat because Cassie wasn't stupid. She knew her mom really liked (maybe even loved) the archaeologist and that he felt the same about her. They really sucked at hiding it.

Almost as much as Sam and Jack.

So, Cassie sat in the backseat enjoying her successful semi-match-making and telling Teal'c all about the traditions of fairs. How you had to do all the rides, no matter how un-safe they look, eat tons and tons of cotton candy, ice cream, candied apples, and roasted nuts. Then you have to do all the rides again and see who can hold onto their stomach contents.

She also told him how the fair at night is always the best. The carnival lights glowed and the music blared through the speakers. People's feelings of excitement and fun just seemed to escalate when it got dark. Food tasted better, rides seemed more unstable, and people became more rambunctious.

Cassie had just started on the topic of carnival games when Janet pulled into a parking space.

"We're here!" Janet announced, turning the car off and opening her door. Daniel followed suit.

As soon as her mother's door was shut, Cassie leaned forward. "Oh, Sam…your door doesn't work. You have to go out Jack's side." She smiled brightly when Sam shot her a mildly suspicious look. "What?"

"Nothing." Sam sighed and grinned playfully at Cass.

Jack slid open the door and hopped out, stretching his long legs. Turning back to the open door, he held out his hand to Sam. "Carter." He said, winking at her.

Sam blushed, but slipped her hand into his, allowing him to help her across the seat and out of the car. "Thank you, sir."

"Can't you guys drop the military names for tonight?" Cassie grumbled loudly as she slid open the door on Sam's side and hopped out.

Sam narrowed her eyes at the teenager. "You said that door didn't work."

"Did I?" Cassie blinked innocently. "Oops." She smiled at the two officers and shut the door after Teal'c had stepped out.

"I swear, that girl…" Sam said, exasperatedly. Jack smiled and looked down at their hands.

They still hadn't let go.

Sam followed his gaze. "Oh! Sorry, sir--," she moved to pull away when Cassie's voice drifted to her ears.

"No 'sirs'!" she called and Sam and Jack laughed.

"Not a problem, Carter." Jack slowly released her hand, reluctant to end the contact.

"No 'Carter's' either! Tonight, you guys are just Sam and Jack!" Cassie said again, as the two officers walked around the car.

"If only it were that simple." Sam growled quietly, not realizing she had spoken out loud.

Luckily (or perhaps, un-luckily) the only person close enough to hear was Jack. He glanced at her, eyes unguarded in the moonlight. She saw his surprise and something else swirling in the brown depths. Sam refused to acknowledge what that 'something' was…knowing that, if she did, there would be no turning back.

A second later, Jack's eyes retook their mask and he held out his arm to Sam.

"Samantha, milady." he drawled in a heavy southern accent.

Sam giggled and swatted his arm lightly, but, never the less, hooked her arm through his. "Yes, sir!" she saluted smartly with her other hand.

"Sam!" Cassie called in a sing-song voice, letting on that she had been eavesdropping.

"Jack." Sam corrected loudly and smiling slightly when Cassie giggled. "She's really excited."

"Yep, as she should be. Fairs are great." Jack said looking up at the brightly lit Ferris Wheel.

"Really? You like fairs?" Sam asked, "unconsciously" leaning into him.

Jack smiled. "You don't?"

"No, I love them. They remind me of when I was a kid." Sam said.

"Same here." Jack agreed.

The group paid the admissions fee and Cassie dragged them off to the first ride…the Tilt a Hurl. The only person who grumbled about that one was Daniel. As they stepped off the ride they were all unsteady on their feet, stumbling over their own shoes.

Well…everyone except Teal'c, that is. The big Jaffa stepped gracefully from the platform and shot them all a smug look, complete with raised eyebrow.

"Shut up, T." Jack said, weaving slightly as he walked.

"I have not spoken, O'Neill." The corners of Teal'c's mouth twitched and Sam bit her cheek to stop from laughing.

"Yeah, yeah." Jack grumbled, beginning to walk steadily again.

They got through seven more twisty-turny, harrowing rides before Cassie held up her hands. "Alright! Junk food time!"

Sam and Janet glanced at each other. "Cass…" Janet started.

"You want to eat junk food…after _that_?" Sam finished incredulously.

"Duh." Cassie said, leading them to the nearest cotton candy/ice cream stand. "What do you guys want?"

After a lot of half-hearted protests and shrugs, Cassie turned back to the man behind the counter. "Seven cotton candies and…five ice creams, please." She handed the man the exact amount of money and passed out the goodies. "Okay…Teal'c, two cotton candies and no ice cream…" she gave everyone else one cold treat and the cotton candy, keeping one of each for herself.

"Let's grab that table over there." Jack gestured to a white, plastic table set off to the side, overlooking the lake.

The group sat and chatted aimlessly while everyone ate their fluffy and creamy goodness.

"So…who's up for doing all the rides again?" Cassie asked brightly, looking around at the happy, relaxed faces before her.

"I am, Cassandra Fraiser." Teal'c volunteered immediately, having polished off both of his cotton candies in about five minutes.

Sam and Janet groaned, while Jack and Daniel winced. "Uh, I think I'm done, Cass." Janet said, patting her stomach.

"Me too." Sam agreed, laying a hand over her own.

"I'd go with ya, Cass…but, uh…" Jack searched wildly for a plausible excuse not to go on any more rides. He didn't want to admit that he would toss his cookies if he did. "I, uh, gotta watch out for Cart—I mean, Sam." Jack amended when Cassie shot him a glare.

"Okay." Cassie shrugged and turned to Daniel.

Sam and Jack glanced at each other. The teenager accepted that _way_ too easily. It was a flimsy excuse…she was up to something.

Jack, however, didn't mind. He really did want to hang with Sam. They very rarely got to be in such a crowded, anonymous place where both officers could be themselves. There was something about the ambiguity of fairs that allowed people to be who they wanted to be and not be judged.

Sam didn't really mind, either. She was perfectly content to just sit with Jack and people-watch. Maybe he'd put his arm around her again…_'No! Must…not…go…there…'_ she struggled to bring her thoughts back to the conversation.

Apparently, Daniel's excuse was satisfactory because Cassie and Teal'c were standing up. "Okay, we'll meet back up with you guys in an hour. Then we'll do games!" Cassie said happily, bounding away with Teal'c in tow.

"Be careful!" Janet called after them. She turned to Sam, shaking her head in amusement. "My eighteen year old whirlwind."

Sam grinned. "At least she's having fun."

"She's really happy you guys decided to come." Janet addressed her three friends.

"Wouldn't miss it." Jack said, "accidentally" brushing Sam's hand with his own.

"She had a point, you know." Sam said, not moving away from his hand. "She is going off to college soon…and after that, it could be awhile before we all spend time together again."

A melancholy hush fell over the group. "Yes, well…" Jack said breaking the tension. "Let's not dwell."

"Jack's right." Daniel piped up, laying a comforting hand on Janet's knee. "We have this time together, let's not waste it."

"Well, now that that's settled…Carter, how about a walk around the lake?" Jack stood and held his hand out to Sam for the second time that night.

Sam smiled, stood, and stretched, taking Jack's hand. "Sure, _Jack_." She emphasized his name and blushed slightly when his eyes grew darker.

"Shall we?" he kept his voice light, but his eyes spoke volumes.

Sam shivered when he squeezed her hand and knew that her expression matched his. Blue and brown eyes filled with a passion… a love…neither knew they were capable of feeling.

"We shall." Sam answered. "See you guys in an hour." She called over her shoulder to Daniel and Janet.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Janet shouted loudly.

Sam blushed hotly. "Then I guess that leaves a lot of options!"

She heard Janet laugh before she and Jack were out of earshot.

The walk was uneventful. They circumscribed the lake, talking about topics ranging from their favorite movies to their favorite and least favorite missions. They were careful to keep their voices low, in case of nosy ears.

And if that meant they had to walk _really_ close together…well, hey, they'd make the sacrifice.

Even though neither one of them acknowledged it, their fingers were still intertwined.

For the whole walk.

An hour later a slightly green Cassie (and a normal, slightly amused Teal'c) met Janet, Daniel, Sam, and Jack in front of the 'Passageway of Games.'

"You okay, honey?" Janet asked, taking a good look at her daughter.

"Fine, _Dr. _Fraiser." Cassie grumbled. She loved her mother, but because she was a doctor, she tended to want to baby her too much.

"Sorry, Cass." Janet smiled. "You just look a little green."

"And you look a little flushed." Cassie shot back good-naturedly. "You and Daniel have fun?"

Janet blushed and turned away from her daughter. Sam's eyes widened. "Janet!"

"What?" the doc looked at her shoes.

Sam was about to yell, "What did you and Daniel do?" but stopped when she realized who else was around. Saving her friend from further embarrassment, she leaned close and hissed, "You are so 'fessing up later!"

Janet nodded mutely.

Jack, sensing the need for a distraction, addressed the group. "Who's up for some games? I'm buying first round."

Everyone answered in the affirmative and they made their way through the game booths, trying to decide where to start.

"Spray 'em hard, spray 'em high!" One man shouted in cadence. "Hit the target first, and win the prize!" He stood at a booth that looked to be a variation of the 'water-gun' games. The ones where people squirted water onto a bull's eye target to see who can get their 'dinger' to the top first.

The only difference between those and this one was that, instead of water guns, there was a lever that you had to press repeatedly in order for the water to rise. It looked more like exercise than fun.

"Let's do that one." Cassie said, pointing to the man's booth.

"Why? It looks like work." Janet pointed out.

"So? Look, no one's going over there. I feel bad, come on!" Cass tugged at Sam and Jack's hands.

"No one's over there, because it takes effort, Cass." Janet said in amusement.

"Whatever." Cassie ignored the group's protests and eventually got them all in front of the booth.

"Well, hey there, little lady!" The man's voice boomed over the bullhorn. His eyes landed on Sam and Janet. "And, whoa there, ladies!" he leered at them.

Without thinking, Jack half-stepped in front of Sam and glared at the guy. Next to him, Daniel did the same thing. Sam and Janet looked at each other and rolled their eyes.

"Hey, there, big fellas…" the man's voice faltered and he quickly cleared his throat before falling back into his game booth mode. "So, who wants to take on my challenge? First one to the top gets their choice of a cuddly prize! What do ya say, gents? Win a little something for the gal pals?"

Sam felt Jack tense and move to take a step forward. She reached for his arm and held him back. Moving her mouth closer to his ear, she whispered, "It's what they do, Jack. Let's just play, okay?"

Jack nodded, but didn't relax his muscles. Sam sighed, squeezed his arm once before letting him go, and said, "What do you say, Jack? Think you can beat me?"

Jack turned his head and grinned. "Is that a trick question?"

Sam just shrugged.

"Four to play! Four to play! Which fickle few will step up to the plate!" Booth-guy shouted into the bullhorn.

"Daniel? Janet?" Sam asked, turning to look at her friends.

"Nah, we'll let you two play this one." Janet said.

"You sure? Okay. Teal'c, what about you?"

"I do not wish to play." He stated simply.

Sam and Jack shared a look. "Cass?"

"No, you guys play." The teenager smiled and pushed the two of them forward.

"But, Cass…you're the one that wanted to--,"

"Stop talking nonsense." Cassie grinned, cutting her off. "Now play." She ordered.

"Two? Just two? Well, okay, then!" the booth-guy directed them to chairs 2 and 3. "Who will win? Who will win? The little lady or the big, strong man's man?" Sam glared at him and he spluttered a bit before regaining his greasy persona. "On the count of three! One, two, three!" he shouted.

Sam threw all her weight onto the lever, sending the water-spray directly onto the bull's eye. Jack did the same. Both pressed up and down with all their strength, determined to beat the other.

Who ever said love didn't harbor a little healthy competition?

Cassie was rooting for both of them, but pulling for Sam more, if just to wipe that stupid leer off the chauvinistic booth-guy's face. She watched Jack's level inch a little higher than Sam's. Before she could stop herself she shouted, "Keeping pumping, Sam! Up and down! Come on, Jack's getting close!"

Both officers froze, the game forgotten. Janet clapped a hand over Cassie's mouth while Daniel cracked up laughing. Teal'c raised his eyebrow and the corners of his mouth twitched.

People who had been milling about within twenty feet of the game booth began cracking up and pointing. A few teenaged idiots wolf-whistled and made some very colorful comments.

Sam turned bright red and ducked her head away from Jack. "Cassandra Fraiser!"

"Sam, I swear! I didn't mean it like that!" Cassie said earnestly, fighting back her own laughter, knowing that it would not help her cause.

"You've done a lot of things today, young lady, that I've pretended not to notice." Sam growled, cheeks still aflame.

"Sam, please, it just slipped out. I promise!" Cassie raised her hands beseechingly and began backing away.

"Hey, look! Peanuts!" Daniel said loudly, grabbing Janet and Cassie and dragging them away from the irate major and silent colonel.

"Tea—Uh, Murray!" Daniel called when they had put a good ten feet between Cassie and Sam.

"Yes, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c bowed his head before quickly following the archaeologist. "I, too, require nuts."

"Murray!" Janet, Daniel, and Cassie said, though they knew it was too late. Riotous laughter broke out among the crowd again.

Sam rolled her eyes and dropped her chin to her chest. Jack reached for her elbow. "Come on, Sam. There's a pretzel over there that's calling my name."

Sam nodded and allowed him to pull her through the still chuckling crowd.

Cassie was _so_ gonna owe her for this.

**A/N: Please R&R!!**

**I may turn this segment into a stand alone story. It'll be a bit different; probably diverging from this one when Sam and Jack go for a walk.**

**I don't know, we'll see how it plays out. LOL.**


	13. Let Sleeping Dogs Lie, Or Not

**Chapter 13: Let Sleeping Dogs Lie…Or Not.**

**Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.**

**A/N: So sorry I've been away! I am a terrible person! I should be smited! Wait…smited? Smote? Smoted?**

**I'm pretty sure (and my spell check agrees) that smote would be the correct term.**

**Please forgive me!**

**Thank you so much to Matrix234 for this wonderful idea! I tweaked it a little to go with the scenario, but the genius funniness is totally Matrix's!**

**ENJOY!!!**

A cool breeze rustled the leaves on the trees, sending red and gold leaves fluttering to the ground. The leaves shimmered on the moist dirt with an ethereal glow, sending shafts of sparkling light into the air.

Sam closed her eyes and breathed deeply. No one was barbequing, but the distinct scent of burning wood filled the air. Maybe there was some cosmic law that dictated cold air must be scented with a comforting fire-y smell…?

She leaned against a tree and surveyed the landscape. They were on P7J-335; otherwise known as 'O.W.R.R.C.' or the Off-World Research and Reconnaissance Center. Or 'Homer' as the colonel had…affectionately…dubbed it.

The O.W.R.R.C. was the first of its kind. It wasn't a permanent fixture…at least, not yet. The SGC's best scientists were ordered to remain here and 'tinker' for two months. From there it would be decided whether or not to keep the temporary base up and running.

SG-1 had been sent out to the planet for a week to 'watch over the scientists.' But Sam knew the General had done it for two completely unrelated reasons. One: he knew that Sam and Daniel were chomping at the bit to get out there and see what kind of technology had been transferred off-world. Two: SG-1 needed a vacation.

They never got the easy missions and, as much as they didn't want to, often turned down downtime. They were all needed at the SGC and every time they got away from the mountain, they were invariably called back within a few hours.

So, Hammond had taken pity on them and given them an easy, in and out, no muss, no fuss mission. At least now they had a valid reason for taking a breather from the constant demands of the SGC.

They had been given two two-person tents. But, they weren't just any old tents. They were, apparently, made with some new high-tech gadgets that kept the interiors nice and warm in the cold weather. They also had base-wide intercoms built into the "walls" of the tents so an alarm could be raised without running around the entire perimeter.

All you had to do was press a button and voila! You could talk to anyone, anywhere on base.

Sam took another deep breath, savoring the smokey smell, and reluctantly headed back down the wooded trail. She had followed a small, little used path away from the base and up onto a small ridge surrounded by gilded trees. It was a gorgeous day and the colonel had told her to enjoy herself.

Sam shook her head. He had no idea how much he could help in _that_ department. Sam stopped suddenly, the quick and unbidden, very dirty thoughts startling her into stillness. Usually, she had time to clamp down on those thoughts before they scuttled into her consciousness, but…

Wow.

Had those come up _fast_.

Sam would never admit it, but the depth of her feelings for her CO scared the crap out of her. Sure, they'd known each other for almost seven years, and in the kind of close-quarters work they did, it was natural for people to grow closer.

But, not like this. No…she knew what she was feeling. She also knew that the feelings were fruitless; they could never be realized. Not to the extent she wanted them to be. For one thing, she was almost positive that he didn't have those kinds of feelings for her.

For another…regulations.

It also scared her that she thought of his feelings first, and regulations second.

What the hell did _that _mean?

"Carter!" Sam jumped and whirled towards the voice, her gun raised.

The colonel half-raised his hands and his mouth quirked slightly. "Whoa, Carter. Didn't mean to startle you."

Sam dropped her P-90 and glared at her CO. Respectfully, of course. "Sir. Didn't hear you coming."

"I suppose you wouldn't. You looked like you were on another planet." He smirked at his own joke and Sam rolled her eyes.

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir." Sam smiled when he shook his head and groaned. "Did you need me, sir?" _'Oh, you have no idea how much I wish you did.' _Sam's traitorous thoughts startled her once again.

Little did she know, Jack was actually thinking along the same lines. Though, he would never admit it. "What? A guy can't check on his 2IC just because he wanted to?" At Sam's pointed look he sighed. "One of the eggheads needs your expertise. A Doctor…Melon…or something."

Sam groaned. "Milling?"

"That's the one!" he bounced on his heels and touched his index finger to his nose in a 'got it in one' gesture. Noticing the slightly dark look on her face, he frowned. "Carter? There a problem?"

Sam's eyes snapped to his and her blue gaze was slightly mutinous. "No." She knew she sounded petulant, but she couldn't help it. The doctor was a creep.

Jack gave her a look and moved to stand directly in front of her. "Carter." He drew out her name in a 'don't give me that crap' kind of way.

Sam's breath hitched when he moved so close that he blocked the sun completely from view, casting a long shadow over her. He was so tall…

"Really, sir, it's nothing. I'm…I'm overreacting. It's fine." She paused, looking somewhere over his left shoulder. "Really."

Jack narrowed his eyes. "Did he say something to you?" Anger lanced through his veins. "Carter…did he _do_ something?"

Sam glanced at him, but looked away quickly. "No…he hasn't _done_ anything." Sam hesitated. "Per se."

"Per se?" Jack questioned, moving slightly closer.

"Sir, I…it's nothing." Sam ducked her head and twisted her hands together.

"Don't do that, Carter!" Jack said, frustrated. "Do I have to make it an order?"

Sam's eyes flashed, but she sighed. "No, sir." She paused. "He just…creeps me out. A little."

"He…creeps you out." Jack repeated, expression carefully blank. If that guy had said or done anything to Carter…oh, he was _so_ gonna get it.

"Yes, sir. It sounds stupid, I know. It's just…he's made some…_comments_…and," Sam paused, unwilling to admit the other thing that bothered her. "And he reminds me a lot of Jonas."

White-hot anger flashed through Jack and he reached up without thinking. Gently grasping her chin, he lifted her head so her eyes met his. He saw something flash through them, but it was gone before he could identify it.

"That's not stupid, Carter." He told her earnestly. He held her gaze for a moment, then, with an inner strength he didn't know he possessed, he released her face and took a halting step back. That wasn't disappointment he saw flicker in her expression…was it? "Now, come on, let's go visit with Doctor Melling." He paused. "Both of us."

Sam raised her eyebrow and didn't bother to correct the name. "Both of us?"

"Yep. Got a problem with that?" he smirked when she shook her head. "Good. Now…tell me…which of his bones would you like me to break?"

Sam's laugh spiraled up through the crisp air and into the gold streaked sky.

…………………………………………………………………………………….

Daniel collapsed onto "his" log next to Teal'c. The fire was warm and blazing cheerily in the cold night air. Teal'c handed him a hot mug of coffee wordlessly.

"Thanks." Daniel took a deep breath, inhaling the warm scent of his coffee before taking a long sip.

"It is my pleasure, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c nodded solemnly.

"Oh?" Daniel frowned, sensing some underlying joke he wasn't getting.

"Indeed. You are most unpleasant to be around when you have not received your nightly intake of caffeine." The edge of Teal'c's mouth quirked, but the rest of his face remained stoic.

"Oh, ha, ha." Daniel narrowed his eyes, glaring at Teal'c. "You've been hanging around Jack too much."

"Not as of late." Teal'c responded with a small smile.

"Hm?" Daniel frowned and took another long swallow of coffee. Damn, this stuff was good…

"Have you not noticed, Daniel Jackson? O'Neill has been hovering near Major Carter all day."

"What? Why?" Daniel looked over his shoulder to where he had last seen his other two friends. Sam and Jack were sitting at a table with a scientist. From where Daniel was sitting, it _did_ look like Sam was practically sitting on Jack's lap.

And he didn't seem to mind.

"Oh." Daniel said, turning back to Teal'c and raising his eyebrows in an 'I don't want to know' manner.

"Indeed." Teal'c inclined his head and smiled slightly.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Jack glared witheringly at the scientist sitting opposite Carter. She kept shifting her legs, suggesting that the man was attempting to play 'footsie' with her under the table. Jack could feel his muscles tense as the man leered at Carter. He _did_ look a lot like Jonas.

Acted like him too.

"Um, I've just remembered…that thing." Sam said suddenly, jumping up from the table.

Misreading the look of anger and disgust on her face, the scientist, Milling, stood up too. "Right." He leered some more and cocked his head towards his quarters. "That _thing_."

"No!" Sam said quickly, almost stumbling backwards away from the table. "That thing…with the colonel. Right, sir?"

Jack stood up slowly, threateningly. He glared down at Milling and he saw the man shudder with no small sense of pride. "Right, Carter. If you'll excuse us." Without waiting for a reply, Jack turned and followed Carter away from the table, towards the edge of the woods.

Once they were away from the base and out of earshot, Sam shuddered, looking like she was trying to get out of her skin. "Ugh…that _man_…" Her voice was tight with barely restrained fury and she forgot that she was talking to her CO. "He's so disgusting! And arrogant. He's presumptuous, pretentious, and conceited, and…and…oh, I just want to _shoot_ him!"

Jack glanced nervously at her hand, which was hovering dangerously over her gun. She sounded like she meant it…and he really didn't want to be in her way if she decided to…do something crazy. All of his energy was already going into controlling his own temper. That bastard! How dare Milling insinuate that Carter would _ever_ want to …to…do _that_ with him!

Sam glanced up, as though just realizing who she was talking to.

Whoops.

"Sir, I'm sorry. That was completely inappropriate of me." Sam opened her mouth to say more, but Jack held up his hand.

"It's not a problem, Carter. Trust me; I wouldn't mind shooting that bastard myself." Jack grinned darkly.

"No, sir, I really shouldn't have--," Sam started, but Jack cut her off again.

"Carter. Don't worry about it." Jack patted her shoulder and jerked his head towards the fire. "C'mon. I think we should grab some coffee before Daniel and Teal'c drink it all."

"In a minute, sir. I just want to wait until _he_ goes away." Sam glanced over his shoulder to the shadowed figure of the distant scientist.

"Ah, don't worry about him, Carter. Besides, I'll protect you from the big bad scientist." Jack knew the second those words left his mouth that they were the absolute wrong thing to say.

He saw her eyes flash and the tell tale stiffening of her spine.

Sam struggled against her rising emotions. She knew that her nerves were already taut and frazzled and that comment just sent her over the edge. The thing was…it wasn't even his comment that bothered her.

It was her reaction to it that bothered her.

Instead of immediately feeling defensive and angry, she thought it was sweet. She knew he didn't say it because he thought she couldn't defend herself…he said it because he _cared_.

He _cared_ about her.

She fell in love with him just a little bit more because of his comment and that frustrated her. It hurt to love him and not be able to tell him. It was a physical pain. She never wanted him out of her sight and it just made her angry that she kept falling deeper and deeper.

This was getting really old. The rules needed to just…go away.

But, instead of screaming 'I love you!' as loud as she could, she stepped back and glared up at him. _'Good.'_ She thought, aggravated at her lack of choices. _'Be angry. Hide what you really want to say. He expects you to be angry about that comment. Give him what he wants instead of what you need.'_

"Crap, Carter, I'm sorry. That wasn't what I--," Jack started, but Sam shook her head, her eyes icy.

"You don't think I can take care of myself?" she asked hotly, though she felt only anger towards herself. She knew that wasn't what he meant.

"Carter, I didn't mean it like that. I _know_ you can take care of yourself." Jack grimaced. This was definitely one of Carter's sore spots. "Hell, I've been in the field with you hundreds of times. If I didn't think you were capable, I wouldn't trust you to watch my six."

"Oh, well, then I guess it's a good thing you trust me, right? Wouldn't want me to slip up because some _guy_ distracted me." Sam's voice had risen to a fever pitch and she saw Daniel and Teal'c glance over at them.

"Carter, keep your voice down." Jack said quietly, holding out his hands in a placating gesture.

"Yeah, don't want me bringing any enemies down on us. Then you'd have to trust me and my _capabilities_ to watch your back!" Sam shouted, her fists balled at her sides. Jack's eyes widened. He would never bring her up on insubordination charges, but he had never heard her speak to a superior officer with such disregard for rank before.

Least of all him.

"Carter, relax. I'm sorry." Jack glanced over his shoulder and saw that both Daniel and Teal'c had risen and were walking towards them, worry clouding their features.

Oh, dammit. Milling was walking towards them too.

"Carter--," Jack started, taking a step towards her, but he was cut off by a whiny shout.

"What do you think you're doing, Colonel O'Neill?" Milling's voice grated from over his shoulder.

Daniel and Teal'c, seeing the physical reactions in both Sam and Jack to Milling's voice, changed course immediately, putting themselves between the two officers and the scientist.

"Having a chat with my 2IC, Milling, what does it look like?" Jack growled, not turning away from Carter's blazing eyes. "Though I don't remember inviting you." Jack's voice was laced with a fury that showed on his face, flaring in his eyes.

Sam took an involuntary step backwards and hoped nobody noticed. She wasn't afraid of him; she knew he would never hurt her, but he looked like he wanted to murder Milling. She desperately wanted to apologize, then throw herself into his arms and be kissed senseless…but…

She couldn't do that.

And that knowledge just pissed her off even more. She couldn't have him, dammit!

"Okay," Daniel said loudly, not moving from his position. "I think everybody needs a good night's sleep. We can figure this out in the morning."

"You may go to bed, Doctor Jackson." Milling tried to look and sound threatening. He failed. "I want to make sure Colonel O'Neill doesn't hurt Major Carter."

"Oh, boy." Daniel muttered and hurriedly stepped away from the doctor. Teal'c gave the scientist a 'you're a dead man' look before he, too, moved away.

Jack whipped around and drew himself up to his full height. His eyes blazed with a fury Daniel had never seen before. His mouth was set in a hard line and his breathing was shallow and quick. He took a step towards the doctor, but Sam beat him to it.

She burst out in front of Jack and brought a heavy fist down onto Milling's jaw. The man crumpled onto the ground at her feet and a thick silence filled the area. Daniel's eyes were wide as he stared at the unconscious man on the ground and then at the enraged woman standing over him, fist still poised.

Teal'c looked slightly surprised, but approving. He clasped his hands behind his back and nodded his head.

Jack stood stock-still. Carter had just hit Milling. Hit him and knocked him out cold. But…why…?

"You son of a bitch." Sam breathed furiously. "You arrogant, good for nothing, _bastard_! How dare you presume to think that Colonel O'Neill would _ever_ hurt me. How dare you think you have the right, after knowing us for a _day_, to assume that he has no self-control. And to assign yourself as my protector? You bastard!" Sam moved as though to kick the still unconscious man, but turned away at the last second.

"Leave me alone." She growled at the three members of her team. Sam threw herself down by the fire and picked up Daniel's cup of coffee, drinking deeply from the mug, pointedly ignoring the three men staring at her in shock.

Daniel turned back to Jack and lowered his voice. "What…the _hell_ was that about?"

Jack turned wide eyes to Daniel. "I have no idea."

Daniel cocked his head. "Oh, please, Jack. What did you say?"

Jack shifted uncomfortably, glancing at his 2IC. "I may have made a flippant remark about…protecting her." Jack winced. "Then she kinda lit into me…and then…hit…him." Jack finished, shrugging helplessly. "Why did she hit him?"

"It seems that Major Carter was most displeased at the doctor's opinion of you. It angered her deeply that he thought you would harm her because of a disagreement." Teal'c said quietly, inclining his head slightly.

Jack blinked at him, refusing to acknowledge what that could mean. He loved her, dammit. He loved her with everything that was him…but, she couldn't possibly return the feelings.

Right?

Daniel glanced at Jack and had to fight to hide a sly smile. Those two were so inept at hiding their feelings. Seemed everybody knew it but them.

Typical.

"I believe Daniel Jackson was right in suggesting that it is time for rest. I shall take first watch." Teal'c turned and walked towards the fire and settled himself against a tree to keep an eye on the surroundings.

Daniel turned to Jack. "Should we just leave him here?" He toed Milling's leg. The man didn't even groan.

"Let him sleep on the ground." Jack shrugged uncaringly. "Nothing is gonna hurt worse than his jaw in the morning. Carter dropped him hard." He couldn't help the small note of pride in his voice.

Daniel shrugged and led the way back to camp. Sam was nowhere to be seen.

At Daniel's questioning look, Jack shrugged. "Probably in the tent."

"Damage control." Daniel nodded at Jack. "Don't screw it up."

"Shut up." Jack smiled to take the sting out of his words. "Night, Danny."

Daniel rolled his eyes and stepped halfway into his tent. "Night, Jack." Daniel zipped the tent behind him and moved to take off his jacket when he realized he wasn't the only person in the room. He whipped around and saw Sam's blonde head sticking out from under a blanket. Daniel sighed and frowned slightly. "Sam?"

"Not a word, Daniel." Sam growled.

"Sam, this isn't your tent."

"I'm aware of that, Daniel." Sam rolled over and fixed him with a glare.

"Sam…" Daniel rubbed his temples. "Go back to your tent. Jack's sorry for whatever he did."

Sam rolled her eyes. "No."

"Sam. Go." He pointed at the door to the tent.

"Daniel." Sam half whined, half growled.

"No. You two need to work out all this--," Daniel broke off realizing he was about to say sexual tension. He cleared his throat. "You need to work out all this tension."

"Not now." Sam pouted.

"Yes, now." Daniel said, unyielding.

"You're supposed to be my friend." Sam said petulantly. Daniel smiled. She could be really adorable sometimes. He told her as much.

"You're really adorable, you know that?" Daniel grinned when she scowled.

"Shut up."

"Now, go be adorable with Jack." Daniel unzipped the tent and gestured out of it.

"No." Sam's cheeks flamed as her mind automatically imagined 'being adorable' to Jack. And what that could lead to…

No, dammit! No more thinking.

"Daniel, please don't make--," Sam started, but Daniel cut her off, leaning against the side of the tent.

"Dammit, Sam! Go sleep with Jack! You know you want to!" Daniel frowned and shook his head slightly when he heard his own voice echo.

Sam's eyes widened and she jumped up. "Daniel, you idiot!" she hissed, yanking on his arm, pulling him away from the wall.

And the intercom button.

Whoops.

"Sam, I didn't know…" Uh-oh. He had definitely said something about Sam sleeping with Jack. And her wanting to do it.

Crap.

The tent flap was suddenly ripped aside and Jack stepped inside. However, he hadn't taken into account how close Sam would be to the flap and, subsequently, toppled over.

Taking her with him.

Sam grabbed onto the front of his shirt as they fell. He instinctively wrapped one arm around her and used the other to brace them as they hit the ground. He managed to save Sam's head and upper back from hitting the ground, but she would definitely have a bruised tailbone.

Daniel threw himself away from them to avoid getting knocked down. Looking down at the pair, he couldn't help the laugh that rumbled from him. Jack had lowered them both onto the ground and their faces were mere inches apart. Sam's eyes were wide, but Jack was smiling.

Sam's mouth worked as though trying to say something. She finally settled on, "I'm sorry, sir."

"For what?" Jack's voice was low and slightly husky.

"For being so disrespectful. I wasn't angry at you. I was mad at myself and I took it out on you. It wasn't my place. You have every right to bring me up on charges."

Jack laughed and dropped his head into the crook of her neck. Sam's eyes widened and she shivered pleasantly when he spoke. "Carter…you had every right to say what you said. I'm not bringing you up on charges. I would never."

Daniel cleared his throat uncomfortably, but, seeing no reaction from them, stepped out of the tent. He knew they wouldn't do anything. They had too much damned honor. He knew they would just lie there; for one night, allowing themselves some comfort in the knowledge that they felt the same.

It was all they could do.

'_For now.'_ Daniel thought. Moving towards Sam and Jack's tent, he nodded to Teal'c then ducked inside.

**A/N: Please R&R!**


	14. Waiting is the Hardest Part

**Chapter 14: Waiting is the **_**Hardest **_**Part**

**Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.**

**A/N: Sorry for the long absence! I was working on some other stuff.**

**This one is sorta similar to the plant and Russian one, if only for the fact that it eludes to the same kind of thing. Situation and words are different.**

**Warning stands and my advised age is 16. Read at own risk! LOL. Just kidding. If you're reading this story and actually find it somewhat humorous…you're minds are too far in the gutter to even contemplate pulling out. LOL.**

**ENJOY!!!**

The young Cadet braced himself against the wall, leaning heavily against it. His mouth was dry and his fingers felt stiff with adrenaline. His eyes darted left and right and sweat dripped from his forehead, dampening his flushed cheeks and tickling his neck as it fell.

'_This isn't fair.'_ He thought despairingly, trying to block out the glassy eyes of the dead bodies he had passed while he ran. He had passed Sergeant Harriman first, then Siler, then Teal'c.

That had stopped the young man in his tracks. If the large, resilient Jaffa hadn't made it…how did he possibly have a chance to survive? Squeezing his eyes shut, he had sprinted down the hall again…only to trip over the lifeless body of Dr. Jackson. Damn staff blast had caught him right in the chest. His eyes were wide and grey, glasses askew, and blood trailing from the corner of his mouth.

The Cadet had let out a half-muffled cry of disbelief before running again. _'It's only my first day!'_ he had screamed in his shock-stifled mind. _'This can't be happening! It's only my first day!'_ He had vaulted into the elevator and headed down to the embarkation level.

Maybe there were some survivors there.

He had run from the elevator and turned the corner…only to be hit again with pained shock. Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter were both on their stomachs, blank faces staring at each other. Their arms were outstretched as though they had reached for each other before death, their fingertips barely brushing.

"No!" This time the Cadet did scream. Quickly though, instinct took over and his mouth snapped shut. He carefully stepped over their almost-joined hands and bolted to the control room.

'_No one survived.'_ The young man thought desolately as he pushed himself from the wall. He had watched as the rest of the officers on his team were taken down, leaving him all alone. They had all been taken by surprise when Anubis had sent a large contingent of Jaffa through the gate, first making sure the iris would stay open. He knew most of the Jaffa were dead; having seen that when he was in the monitor room earlier. There was still a small group running around the base.

With a steadying breath, the Cadet pushed off the wall and ran back into the control room.

The self-destruct.

It was the only way.

Entering in his just-memorized code, he flinched as the klaxons blared and a cool female voice echoed over the base. "Ten seconds to self-destruct."

The Cadet stared at the monitor in horror. _'Ten seconds! I thought I had more time…'_

"3…2…" The voice counted impassively. The man closed his eyes and prayed that he had done the right thing. The entire safety of the planet rested on this young, fresh-faced Cadet's decision. "1…"

The Cadet winced, expecting…something. He certainly wasn't ready for the nothing that actually happened. Fearing the worst (that the Jaffa had tampered with the base systems) the Cadet plowed up the stairs into the briefing room. The sight before him stopped him in his tracks.

General Hammond, SG-1, and various SGC and Pentagon personnel were standing there, smiling at him. He knew he should grin back and give a smart-ass remark worthy of O'Neill, but what actually came out of his mouth was a very intelligent, "Huh?"

_That_ got a few laughs. "Congratulations, son." Hammond stepped forward and shook the flabbergasted man's hand. "You handled yourself well. Welcome to the SGC."

"Th-thank you." The Cadet, Rainey, stuttered, his body frozen in place.

"Loosen up, son." A Pentagon official waved a hand at him, gesturing for him to follow him. "Let's go get the paperwork done."

"Y-yes, sir." Rainey stammered again, still in shock.

When he had left, Jack turned to his team. "I think we scared the poor kid."

"Imagine that." Daniel replied sarcastically.

"You all performed well in your roles of the deceased." Teal'c intoned, smiling slightly. "One might say…it was like second nature?" Innocent question, my ass.

"You died first!" Jack pointed out, shaking his head.

"I died last." Sam said with a slightly triumphant voice.

"Did not." Jack said, looking at his 2IC with narrowed eyes.

"Did too." Sam flung back, grinning mischievously.

Jack opened his mouth to reply back, but Daniel cut him off. "You died at the same time!"

"Did not!" Jack and Sam insisted at the same time.

"Did so!" Daniel refused to give in.

"Did n—Oh, for crying out loud." Sam shook her head in exasperation. Jack straightened up and looked at her incredulously while Daniel raised his eyebrows at her and Teal'c cocked his head.

As though feeling their eyes on her, Sam glanced up. "What?" she asked. When no one responded, Sam opened her mouth to repeat herself, but stopped abruptly. "Oh."

"Oh?" Jack questioned, amusement obvious in his tone.

"Oh, brother. You guys, it's a simple phrase that…that…" she trailed when they were all looking at her unconvinced.

"You've been spending too much time with Jack, Sam." Daniel smiled sweetly.

"I do not believe they view any time spent together as too much, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c agreed, inclining his head.

Sam blushed and Jack studiously avoided their eyes. "I've gotta go." Sam said hurriedly, heading for the stairs.

"Me too." Jack said, moving in the opposite direction.

"See you guys for lunch?" Daniel called after them. "Remember, we've got to set up the next training scenario! It starts at…at 0-something…30?" Daniel frowned, knowing that definitely wasn't right. "At 8:30!" he yelled, hoping they heard him.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

"Golden." Jack said proudly as he leaned back in his commissary chair, pushing his now empty pie plate away.

"The pie? Or the plan?" Daniel asked, glancing questioningly at the older man over the tops of his glasses.

"Both." Jack replied, smiling contentedly. He opened his eyes and they immediately locked with Sam's. She quickly glanced away when he smirked at her.

"Okay." Daniel sighed. "So, we've got Cadets Fuller, Mailer, Cameron, and Holly."

"From their recommendations they all seem pretty bright. They might have a chance." Sam spooned some more jell-o into her mouth. Blue, of course.

"Puh-shaw." Jack grinned. "They're going up against SG-1. The famous SG-1! They won't know what hit 'em."

Sam chuckled. "Yes, sir."

Daniel looked between the two officers, trying to ignore the silent "moment." "Right, so, yeah." He cleared his throat.

Jack jumped slightly and averted his eyes. "So, here's the bottom line kids." He tried to regain some of the badass Colonel exterior. "Carter, you and I are gonna be snaked."

"Fun." Sam deadpanned.

"Always." Jack continued. "Danny, you and T are gonna be eating some concrete again. Sorry."

"No worries. I love dying." Daniel said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"You do it often enough." Jack shot back. "Anyway, Carter and I will set explosives around the base. I want to see how they react to high pressure situations."

"And why do you and Sam have to be Goa'uld?" Daniel frowned slightly.

"We want to see how they'll react to the chain of command being compromised. Whether or not they'll react on their own instincts or follow orders even with the possibility of hostile takeover." Sam answered, scraping the last few blobs of jell-o from her glass.

"Isn't the whole point of a chain of command _to_ follow orders?" Daniel questioned.

"The military requires a certain amount of instinct, Daniel." Jack eyed Daniel's half eaten piece of pie. "Especially in the SGC. We have to know if these Cadets possess the right amount of gumption to go against a CO's orders if they have a valid reason to believe they've been compromised. You gonna finish that?"

"No." Daniel said and pushed his plate to Jack. "So, what are we going to use for explosives this time? The molding clay gets a bit old after awhile."

"Actually, I've been working on that." Sam broke in before Jack could say anything, her eyes alight with excitement. "I developed a new training tool. Explosives that simulate the sound, visuals, and concussion of a real explosion without all the damage."

"And you made them?" Daniel blinked at her.

"That is indeed most impressive, Major Carter." Teal'c said, speaking for the first time since they had finished eating.

Sam blushed and tapped her fingers softly on the table. "It wasn't just me. A whole team of scientist help--," Sam started, but Jack cut her off.

"Just accept the compliment, Carter." He smirked at her. "If I remember correctly it was _your_ idea. And it was _you_ who drew up the diagram things."

"Yes, sir." Sam smiled back, but ducked her head in embarrassment.

"Right, well." Jack clapped his hands together and stood up. "Ready to show 'em what SG-1 is all about?"

………………………………………………………………………………………..

A few hours later found the base on full "lockdown." Daniel was sprawled on the floor of the briefing room, blood pouring from his nose, mouth, and various burn wounds on his body. Teal'c was flung over several chairs in the control room, eyes staring vacantly at the ceiling.

"How many dead?" Cadet Fuller shouted. He was in command of the team.

"I count seven in the control room, sir." Holly called. She moved swiftly to stand by his side, weapon at the ready. Colonel O'Neill had taken their TER's and replaced them with real weapons. This had scared the Cadets more than anything.

This, and the fact that half of SG-1 was dead and the other half was unaccounted for.

"Twelve dead in the briefing room!" Cameron's voice crackled over the radio. The young woman sounded choked up. "General Hammond's been killed, too."

"Sergeant Harriman, too." Mailer's voice also came across the radio. He was in the briefing room with Cameron. "Wait, I think there's…shit!" the last expletive caused Fuller and Holly to look at each other before simultaneously bolting up the stairs and into the briefing room.

"Report, cadet." Fuller whispered harshly.

"Someone's in the General's office." Mailer replied.

All four team members looked at each other anxiously, silent wondering what to do. They had never had a training scenario that even resembled this. What a way to start a career.

Fuller motioned for Cameron and Mailer to flank the office to briefing room door. He and Holly followed swiftly. He mouthed, "On three." He held up one finger…two…he hesitated before swallowing hard and flinging up a third.

Fuller burst into the room, his team flanking him, ready to lay down fire. They froze at what they saw. Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter jumped away from each other looking decidedly guilty. They seemed to have been…making out.

No.

No way.

They wouldn't…?

Not in the middle of a Goa'uld incursion? Where two of their best friends were dead?

"Cadets." O'Neill barked, straightening his jacket. Carter had turned her face away from the groups, but Holly could swear that she saw an unnatural glow burst from her eyes. However, when she turned around the Major's eyes were a normal, shining blue.

"Sir. Ma'am." Fuller replied suspiciously. He eyed the two officers; neither of whom faltered.

"Report?" the Major asked when the heavy silence became too much.

"We count nineteen dead, briefing and control room." Cameron replied. "Dr. Jackson, Teal'c, and General Hammond included."

"We know." Colonel O'Neill replied brusquely. "We watched them go down." He averted his eyes for a moment; the only sign that he was grieving.

Sam glanced away too, but when she looked back at the Cadets her eyes were hard and determined. "Here." She said roughly, handing each young officer an earpiece. "New technology. These are just prototypes, but they'll do."

"What are they for, ma'am?" Fuller asked, accepting his.

"Communication devices." O'Neill cut in. "All you have to do is whisper and these fancy little transmitter things will pick up on…" He trailed, apparently at a loss for they picked up on.

"Sound vibrations." Sam finished hurriedly. "You don't have to run the risk of being discovered because you're radio was too loud or the static too abrupt. Just whisper and you're team will hear you. Each earpiece has a certain frequency, like a radio."

"What are ours set on?" Mailer asked, inserting it.

"They're not. Like I said, they're prototypes. We only have four. You Cadets will be in constant communication at all times."

When they had all nodded, O'Neill straightened up, holding his weapon at the ready. "You four head to level 28. Carter and I will check the labs. We're looking for survivors, got it?' They nodded. "Use deadly force if necessary."

Cameron and Mailer looked at each other and gave an almost comical gulp. They moved out into the briefing room, Fuller and Holly following them.

"Cadets!" the colonel barked. "You're on your own from here on in. Watch your backs and don't trust anyone."

"Does that include you, sir?" Fuller asked.

The older man smiled wryly. "Even me, Fuller."

"Yes, sir." He gave a salute and the four headed down the stairs and, presumably, to the elevators.

Jack turned to Carter and rolled his eyes. "Wonder what they made of our little PDA."

Sam blushed, but met his gaze. "It was hardly PDA, sir. You were "transferring" your second "Goa'uld" to me."

"Yeah, tell me again…explain how I ended up with two snakes?"

Sam shrugged slightly. "We wanted to have a new scenario. Something to throw the Cadets off."

"I don't think they realized that that was what we were doing." Jack smirked slightly as Sam's blush deepened.

"Well, I made my eyes glow and I'm pretty sure Holly saw it. Hopefully, they'll figure it out soon."

"Right. Ready to set up the big finale?" Jack gave a boyish grin and rubbed his hands together.

"Yes, sir. Oh, wait." Sam paused, digging in her vest pocket for a minute. She pulled something out with a triumphant look. "Here." She handed him a small earpiece.

"I thought you said we only had four." Jack asked slyly, putting it in his ear.

Sam followed suit. "Did I? How strange." Sam smirked and moved past him down the stairs and into the gateroom. Jack hurried after her, pulling one of the explosive non-explosives out of his pocket.

Sam bit her lip as she took the device from him. She placed it on one side of the blast doors and, taking another from her vest, put it on the other side. When the Cadets arrived they were gonna get quite the light show.

"So, who else has these?" Jack lightly touched the earpiece. "And why can't they hear us?"

"General Hammond, Daniel, Teal'c, and the reps from the Pentagon." She answered his first question. "Ours are set for one way listening. When we turn them on, as long as we only tap them once, we'll be able to hear them, but they can't hear us."

"And if we tap them twice?" Jack reached up to touch his earpiece again. Before he even knew what was happening, Sam had made a grab for his wrist, but miscalculated the distance between them and ended up lacing her fingers through his. Jack froze and Sam's eyes widened.

Quickly recovering, she cleared her throat and carefully released his hand, acting like she had meant to do that. She gave him a warning look and said, "You already touched yours once. You can hear everything the Cadets say. If you touch it again," she paused for effect, eyes searching his. "They can hear everything _you_ say."

Jack paused and slowly lowered his hand. "Which would be--,"

"Bad." Sam finished, smiling slightly. "Yes, sir."

"Right." Jack smirked at her.

Sam rolled her eyes slightly and touched her own earpiece. She paused, waiting to see if she could hear the Cadets. Cocking her head, she frowned at Jack. "I don't hear anything."

"Me neither." Jack's brow furrowed. "Maybe they're just not…_saying_ anything?" Sam gave him a look that clearly said, 'Gee, ya think?' and Jack silently agreed.

"Maybe they don't work." Sam said, confusion and disappointment evident in her tone.

Jack gave her a long look. "Carter, if you built it…I'm sure that they work. Those Cadets just aren't talking."

"Sir, just because I built it doesn't mean--," Sam started, but Jack waved her off.

He opened his mouth to tell her that she was being too modest when the earpieces crackled to life. "…totally making out! I mean, did you see them?" Cameron's voice echoed clearly over the communication device.

Sam and Jack froze. The Cadets were in a life-threatening situation and they were _gossiping_? Unless…they _knew_ this was just a training scenario…?

Sam quickly averted her eyes and vainly tried to fight the blush creeping up her cheeks. It was bad enough that they were talking about what they thought they saw…but her team members, the General, _and_ the reps from the Pentagon were all listening too. _'Oh…my career is so over.'_

"Well, we've all heard the rumors." Fuller's voice rang through.

Mailers quiet laugh issued next. "Emphasis on the plural. Which one is your favorite?"

"Oh! I like the one where Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter actually met in high school and have been engaged ever since. But they haven't told anyone because they aren't actually _married_ so the regulations still stand." Cameron giggled.

"Don't be stupid, Laurie." Holly joked. "The Colonel is, like, ten years older than her. They couldn't have met in high school!"

"But, it's so romantic!" Cameron gushed. "Besides, it doesn't matter where they met. Have you _seen_ the way they look at each other? I mean, the Colonel always has such a hard ass attitude, but…when he looks at her…he's a totally different person."

"God, Laurie, you're such a girl." They could hear the smile in Fuller's voice.

"I should hope so! Otherwise I've been using the wrong bathroom for years!" Cameron laughed at her bad joke. You could practically hear the other's rolling their eyes.

"Okay, ssshh!" Mailer admonished, still laughing. "There may still be Jaffa here."

"Speaking of here…where are we?" Holly asked.

Jack dropped his face into his hands. "You've _got_ to be kidding me." Sam couldn't bring herself to look at him. She was _so_ gonna kill those Cadets…

"Close to the gateroom. We've walked in a giant circle." Fuller informed her.

"Oh." Holly paused. "Guys, I just remembered something. When we caught the Colonel and Major in the General's office…I thought I saw Major Carter's eyes glow. Do you think it's possible that she's a Goa'uld?"

"Hey! Maybe the Goa'uld in her seduced the Colonel! What a way to infiltrate the base." Cameron sounded wistful.

"Geez, Laurie, you sound almost wistful." Mailer laughed.

"I am. He's gorgeous."

"Puh-lease. Major Carter wouldn't have to try very hard to seduce him. She's pretty gorgeous herself." Mailer agreed.

"Their kids would be beautiful." Holly said. "But, guys, something isn't right. If Major Carter's a Goa'uld…who knows how many other people are."

"Guys, shut up. We're almost right outside the gateroom." Fuller ordered.

Jack cleared his throat, determined to forget the Cadet's conversation ever happened. Silently praying that Carter would let it slide too, he nudged her shoulder. "Almost time?"

Sam nodded, her cheeks still flaming. "You have the detonator, sir."

"Right." Jack reached up and fiddled with the earpiece, moving it to a more comfortable position. The Cadets were nearing the door. "Okay, so…I'm just gonna whip it out, you grab it, do your thing, then we'll sit back, relax, and wait for it to blow."

Sam's eyes flew to his, wide and embarrassed. A long silence followed when, suddenly, loud laughter echoed in their ears. Sam's eyes widened further. "You didn't." her voice came out a harsh whisper.

"What?" Jack watched her reaction, confused. Something he said? "All I said was that I was gonna whip it out--," He started, but was cut off when Sam's hand clamped over his mouth.

"Sir, shut up!" Jack blinked. He wasn't angry at her for her insubordination, but he _was_ surprised.

"What?" his indignation was slightly muffled. Moving faster than he'd ever seen her move before, she had pulled the earpiece from his ear and thrown it on the ground, slamming her foot on top of it. "What'd you do that for?" he asked when she removed her hand.

Her reply was cut off when the blast doors behind them slid open. They spun around and came face to face with General Hammond, Daniel, Teal'c, the Pentagon reps, and four very red Cadets. All were either fighting laughs or outright guffawing.

Sam felt the blood rush into her face so fast she got a headache. Daring a quick glance at her commanding officer, she saw he was just as red. Evidently, he realized the double meaning of his words.

"Wait a minute! Hold on!" Jack tried to get the others to quiet down. "Now, that's not fair. I didn't mean…You know that's not what I…oh, for crying out loud!" He threw his hands up in frustration.

"Geez, Jack. Didn't know you liked it like that." Daniel gasped in between bouts of hysterical laughter.

Sam gaped at the archaeologist. That was _way_ out of line.

"Very 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am." Fuller broke into a new round of laughter.

Jack drew himself up to his full height and glared hard at the Cadets. Sam narrowed her eyes threateningly. All four of the Cadets straightened up and cleared their throats, taking a few cautionary steps back. All humor was wiped from their faces.

The reps all cleared their throats as well and turned to the young officers. "Let's head up to the briefing room and see if we can't set up another training scenario for you." Once they were gone, Hammond turned to his two crimson officers.

"Colonel. Major." He had managed to do a bang-up job off halting his laughter.

"Sir, I can explain." They both started at the same time.

"I told him that two taps would make them _two _way." Sam said.

"I may have _accidentally_ hit mine a second time." Jack said simultaneously.

"The Colonel was talking about the detonator--," she continued.

"It really wasn't what it sounded like." Jack finished.

Hammond glanced back and forth between the two officers. "And the…_conversation_…the Cadets were having? Was that what it sounded like?"

Both Sam's and Jack's mouths worked like fish out of water. "It—it wasn't…" Jack trailed.

"Extenuating circumstances may have made them…" Sam trailed too.

Hammond shook his head. "I don't want to know." He turned to leave, but stopped and looked at Sam. "Major, why did you destroy the earpiece?"

If Sam hadn't been red before, she would have been now. "I, uh, may have…um…panicked." She paused embarrassedly. "Sir."

"Ah." Hammond turned around to hide his smile and walked out of the gateroom.

Daniel crossed his arms over his chest, puckered his lips, and blew out a breath. Teal'c merely cocked his head, raised an eyebrow, and allowed a small smile to play across his lips. "Perceptive little buggers, huh?" Daniel smirked and gestured for Teal'c to follow him out of the room.

"Indeed." Teal'c agreed.

"What?" Jack and Sam shouted at the same time. They glanced at each other, then glanced away just as quickly.

They were _never_ gonna live this down.

**TBC**

**A/N: Please R&R!**


	15. Going Through the Motions

**Chapter 15: Going Through the Motions**

**Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.**

**A/N: Hope you've all had an enjoyable holiday!**

**Now…I don't usually pimp my stories or anybody else's…but, that's exactly what I'm about to do. Over the past month or so, Matrix234 and I have collaborated on an SGC Christmas story. It's really funny, I promise!**

**So, look for it on Matrix234's profile story page thing! It should be up soon, if not already! Please, please, please check it out! LOL!**

**Back to this story…I don't particularly think this one is funny…but, I'm running low on the dirty jokes. So…there will probably be only a few more chapters. So sad…******

**ENJOY!!!**

Sam stepped out from the base showers, shivering slightly as the cold air played over her skin. Toweling off as fast as she could, she opened her locker and glared at the clothes inside. She hated the President's annual base inspection. She hated that she had to wear her dress uniform.

She didn't care what anybody said…she knew that nobody looked good in the blues.

Well…that wasn't true. She knew who looked good in the dress blues.

She knew who looked _beyond_ good in that uniform.

Colonel Jack O'Neill.

Her commanding officer.

He also happened to be the man she was in love with.

Oh…the irony.

Sam shook her head and tugged her skirt off of the hanger. She slipped it on and zipped it up after pulling on her pantyhose. She tried to keep her thoughts entirely on the task at hand, but…her brain had other things in mind. Her thoughts, predictably, turned right back to Colonel O'Neill.

With whom she had just spent a very sweaty, very tiring few hours with.

Doing some _very_ interesting things.

A small smile played across Sam's lips and, try as she might, she couldn't make it go away.

Sam left her shirt and jacket on the hanger and made her way over to the sink and mirror duo in only her bra. She had learned the hard way what happens when you put your dress uniform on before your makeup.

Let's just say it had been a very embarrassing meet and greet.

Normally, Sam didn't wear a lot of makeup. The job didn't really allow for such luxuries. But, today was different. She, and most other personnel on base, tended to take more time to make themselves presentable. She put the finishing touches on her makeup and made her way back to the locker.

Just as she finished buttoning up her shirt she heard the locker room door open and close.

"Hey, Sam." Janet greeted as she dropped onto the bench next to Sam and began unlacing her boots with one hand and opening her locker with the other.

"Hey." Sam smiled back.

Janet finished with her boots and opened her mouth to say something when she frowned. "You took a shower?"

There was that damn smile again. Every time she thought about _why_ she had to take a shower…she _grinned_. "Yup."

Janet waited for Sam to explain her reply, but when none came, pushed forward. "_Why_?"

"I needed to."

"Oh, well, gee. That explains it. Thanks very much." Janet remarked sarcastically, but not unkindly.

Sam smiled. Again. "No problem."

"Sam." Janet half-whined. "You _never_ shower before an annual inspection."

Sam rolled her eyes. "How would you know that?"

"You _told_ me. Remember? You said that you didn't feel like taking the time to do your hair?"

Sam's eyes widened. "My hair! I forgot about my hair!"

Janet eyed Sam for a moment before laughing. "You're kidding, right? Sam, you were just standing in front of the mirror doing your makeup. You would have seen your hair and remembered that you had to do it."

"I know, I know. But I forgot! Dammit!" Sam dug through her locker and grimaced when she came up empty.

"You wouldn't by any chance have your--," Sam started as she gave Janet a helpless look.

Before she could even finish her sentence, Janet had thrust a blow-dryer into her hands.

"Thanks." Sam smiled brightly at her friend and hurried back to the mirrors.

"You're welcome." Janet smiled back and shook her head in amusement as Sam struggled slightly with balancing a brush in one hand and a blow-dryer in another, while working both through her hair.

Skilled fighter she was…great beautician she was not.

Forty-five minutes later, both women were walking out the door in uniform. Hair was expertly coiffed and makeup flawlessly applied.

Or as expertly and flawlessly as they were capable of.

A loud wolf-whistle from behind them had both women stiffening and whipping around; Sam wishing she had her P-90 and Janet wishing she had her needles.

"Sir." Sam greeted when she saw who the whistler was. And, again, that damn smile.

"Well, hello ladies." Jack drawled as he sauntered confidently up to them, hands burrowed casually in his uniform pockets.

Damn, he looked hot.

"Why the…dressed-up…ness?" Jack frowned minutely at his lack of a good description. He'd never admit it, but close proximity to his 2IC usually had his brain turning to mush.

In a good way.

"The President's inspection, sir." Sam answered, with a quick, exasperatedly amused look at Janet. They knew the Colonel knew why they were dressed up. After all, he was dressed up too.

"Ah…yes…_That_." Jack bounced on the balls of his feet and flashed Sam a quick, bright smile. His tone made it perfectly clear that he detested any event that required him to put on his dress blues.

But, for Sam…this event was _definitely_ starting to have a silver lining.

Apparently, it was for Jack too. He winked at both women, but turned searing eyes on Sam when he spoke. "Well, I must say…my day is starting to look up."

Sam blushed and Janet nudged her friend's arm. She was well aware of the shared feelings between the Colonel and the Major and loved to embarrass them any chance she got.

"Look at the time!" Sam stammered the first thing that popped into her head. "Time to go." Without waiting for a reply, Sam turned on her heel.

But, as luck would have it, it had been awhile since she had had to dress up and she wasn't used to wearing high heels. And, as irony seemed to love to do, Sam's foot twisted and down she went.

Only…she never hit the ground.

Two warm arms were suddenly around her; one at her waist and the other under her arm. Time seemed to freeze as Sam's head hit the Colonel's shoulder and his arms tightened around her.

"Walk much, Carter?" His voice was low and near her ear, causing goose bumps to appear along her arms.

"Um…" Was her intelligent answer.

Jack set her slowly back on her feet and turned her around to face him.

"Thank you, sir." Sam finally managed to choke out, not looking at him. "I'm sorry you had to, uh…catch me." Sam flushed hotly.

"My pleasure, Carter." Jack grinned easily, but something in his expression wavered. It was gone before Sam could identify what it was.

"We should…we should hurry." Sam said, unable to tear her gaze from his. She did, however, notice that Janet was mysteriously missing.

"Yep." Jack continued to grin.

All at once, Sam's embarrassment doubled and her cheeks heated in anger. He was _laughing_ at her! He wasn't smiling at her because he returned her feelings…it was because she was a klutz!

Sam wrenched her eyes from his and turned abruptly. "We don't want to be late, Colonel." She only got a few steps before his hand landed heavily on her shoulder. Sam stopped, but did not turn around.

"Carter." Jack tugged her shoulder lightly and Sam reluctantly moved to face him.

"Yes, Colonel?"

Jack grimaced. "Just so we're clear, Carter…you only have permission to trip…" he paused.

Inwardly, Sam seethed. First, he laughed at her. And, now, he was reprimanding her? She knew he had every right to…but…oh, this just wasn't fair. _'Life isn't.'_ a voice that sounded annoyingly like her father echoed in her head.

"When I'm around to catch you." He finished, giving her a significant look.

'_Well.'_ Thought Sam as she blinked stupidly at the Colonel._ 'That was…unexpected.'_

"Yes, sir?" Her reply came out more like a question than an affirmative.

"Good." He brushed an imaginary piece of lint off of her collar, fingers "accidentally" brushing her jaw. "Now…we're off to see the wizard."

And just like that he turned and strode away, leaving Sam to hurry after him, her skin feeling slightly chilled at the absence of his fingers.

"Oh! And about earlier, Carter," Jack started as the elevator doors closed. Sam smiled again, remembering what 'earlier' was. "You do know that I let you finish first, right?"

"Oh, you _let _me?" Sam gave him a sideways look, making sure he heard the disbelieving tone in her voice. "I believe I made it there all on my own, thank you very much."

"Oh, did you now?" Jack shook his head and gave an exaggerated sigh.

"Yep." Sam gave him a proud smile and stepped out of the elevator as the doors opened. Jack followed her, teasing smile in place.

"Believe what you want."

"I will."

Jack chuckled. "You didn't let me finish." Sam rolled her eyes. "Believe what you want…as long as we do it again." He paused. "Soon."

"How soon is 'soon?'" Sam asked as they climbed the briefing room stairs.

"How 'bout after the President's inspection?" Jack asked innocently.

"After the--?!" Sam stopped and turned to face him, arms crossed over her chest. They were the same height now that Sam was a step above him. "That's a joke, right?"

"I never joke about…_that_." Jack raised his eyebrows. "C'mon, Carter! I wanna see how flexible you really are."

Sam rolled her eyes. "Sir, after what we've been doing the past few hours, I'm gonna have trouble walking for a week!" Jack rolled his eyes and Sam turned and climbed the last few stairs. She was three steps into the room before she noticed the oppressive silence that engulfed it. She stopped so suddenly that Jack almost ran into her.

Ten pairs of eyes were trained on the two officers. Daniel was staring at his friends with his mouth half-open and a cup of coffee forgotten in his hand. Teal'c's eyebrow was raised and there was a slightly shocked expression on his face.

Janet was trying very hard not to laugh, but she was also throwing the General and the President slightly scared looks.

As for the two men themselves…Hammond had his 'Def-Con-One' face on and the President was squinting at the Colonel and Major. The other five pairs of eyes belonged to the President's Pentagon entourage. All were widened slightly and all were fighting laughs.

"What?" Jack asked, annoyed that he wasn't in on the joke.

And that, apparently, the joke was on him.

And Carter.

"What?" Jack asked again, louder, when no one answered.

"Oh…oh, _no_." Sam breathed, her face burning. They had heard every word she and the Colonel had exchanged on the stairs. And, to somebody not privy to the day's earlier events…it sounded very much like they were referring to…Oh, _no_.

Sam turned panicked eyes on Daniel, begging for help. "No, no, no…that—what I mean to say is…that wasn't what it sounded like. The sir and—I—I mean the _Colonel_ and I were referring to the exercise we were performing earlier…"

When the looks became even more shocked, Sam dropped her head. That had _not_ come out right. "I _mean_ that Colonel O'Neill and I were working out…doing training exercises in the SGC's gym earlier today. We figured that since…since physical evaluations were coming up we would bone up—No! No, not _bone_ up…um, we would get an early start on…on…" Sam trailed as her throat constricted from embarrassment.

Janet was now bent over her hands, her shoulders shaking with silent laughter. Daniel had put his coffee down for fear of dropping it and blinking rapidly. Teal'c expression had not changed, but his mouth twitched as though he wanted very much to laugh.

Hammond was turning red and the President was outright grinning. His five reps were all in various states of hysteria.

_Dignified_ hysteria…of course.

Jack, who had just now realized what had been said, came to Sam's rescue. "I'm getting older, folks, and I thought it would be in my best interests to get a head start on the physical training that would be required in the evaluation. I asked Carter to help me because I thought she might want to get a head start too. She did."

When Jack's clarification did nothing but to make them all give him 'Yeah, sure' looks, Sam tried again.

"We did stretching exercises, which is why the Colonel mentioned flexibility and—and we did a lot of running exercises."

"I let her beat me to the finish line." Jack added helpfully.

Sam glared.

"Sounds like fun to me." Hayes finally jumped in. He had had his fill of the officer's embarrassment. It was just so damn funny.

"No, sir." Jack said, not missing a beat. "Carter's fists are like semi-trucks. I feel bad for whatever poor guy pisses her off."

"You." Daniel jumped in. "Daily." His efforts at suppressing laughter were failing.

Miserably.

"Do not." Jack protested.

"Obviously, you do if you know what her punches are like." Janet smiled sweetly.

"It was training." Jack insisted, silently asking Sam for confirmation. She nodded, avoiding everyone's eyes.

It was gonna be a long day.

**TBC**

**A/N: Sorry for the rushed ending. Please R&R!!**


	16. Music is the Spice of Life 1

**Chapter 16: Music is the Spice of Life (Part One)**

**Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.**

**A/N: This is it, guys! I'm out of dirty jokes. I'm kinda selling out on this one; it's one of the oldest in the books.**

**No double entendre in part one; it's in part two.**

**ENJOY!!!**

Very rarely was there an occasion when SGC personnel could really just kick back and relax or blow off steam. Too rarely, General Hammond decided. He was leaving soon and, though Jack didn't know it, he would soon be his replacement. Actually, no one knew he was leaving.

He planned on breaking the news tonight. In front of everyone.

Hammond had arranged for a large get together at the Cheyenne Mountain Resort near the base. He had stayed there with his grandchildren over Christmas vacation and decided it would be the perfect place to officially announce his retirement.

The party was in the spacious Mountain View Restaurant, a beautiful restaurant located high in the hotel that provided a stunning view of the mountains. Dusk had fallen, turning the mountains a dusky purple-silver and the restaurant's balcony had lit their faerie lights, sending twinkling sparks of light to wash the terrace with warmth.

The whole of the SGC was in attendance, except for the back-up crew. They were still at the base, holding down the fort for the night. The resort had even been so kind as to comp rooms for all those who wished to stay the night.

George sat at the breakfast buffet turned bar for the evening. He twirled his gin and surveyed the room, looking for his flagship team. Lord knows, they deserved this party more than anyone. They faced death almost every time they went through that gate, yet they kept their strong bond and sense of humor. It was a true miracle.

George spotted Daniel and Teal'c sitting at one of the many tables, deep in conversation. Daniel had an almost worried expression on and, when he shot a furtive look at the General, George knew he knew. Dr. Jackson was not a stupid man by any means; of course he had seen straight through the pretense of this occasion. In fact, most of the personnel had probably figured out that something was off.

George raised his glass to Daniel and the man nodded back, an understanding look softening his face. Teal'c bowed slightly to George and Daniel, then excused himself from the table. He moved off into the crowd and was soon lost among the masses.

Hammond sighed and went back to looking around the room. A flash of gold caught his eye and he found himself focusing on Sam Carter. He had known the woman since she was a small child and it never ceased to amaze him who she had grown into.

The little girl who used to run around the house in her mother's high heels and wedding veil had grown into a remarkably smart, talented, courageous woman who saved the world on a daily basis. Without warning, an image of the present-day Sam wearing her own wedding dress and veil flashed through his mind. She was standing at the altar and flashing a bright smile at the man standing opposite her.

A man who also happened to be standing in front of George at that very moment.

"Sir."

"Jack." George smiled and gestured to the barstool next to him.

Jack took the seat and gave Hammond a calculating look. "Hm."

Hammond half-smiled. "What?" Obviously, Jack had figured it out too.

"Oh, nothing." The younger man spoke casually, shrugging his shoulders.

"Colonel." Hammond said in mock-warning voice.

Jack smiled. "Ah. There it is."

Hammond rolled his eyes. "I take it you know."

"Me, sir?" Jack blinked innocently and fiddled with his sleeve, eyes traveling the room casually, stopping only when he was looking straight across from him. Hammond didn't have to look to know who he was looking at. "I don't know anything."

Hammond rolled his eyes inwardly. "When it comes to certain things, no, you don't."

Jack flashed the General a slightly surprised look. "Sir?"

Hammond sighed and put down his drink, slowly meeting the Colonel's suspicious gaze. "You know what I'm talking about, Jack."

"Let's say I don't." Jack cocked his head.

"Don't play dumb with me, Jack."

"Who's playing?"

Hammond sighed and downed his drink. Clearing his throat, he stood up and gave the still-seated Colonel a veiled look. "The state of affairs is changing, Colonel…and so is the Air Force. Make your decisions wisely." And, without waiting to see the reaction his words would cause, George walked away, quickly becoming engulfed in the crowd.

Jack stared at the spot where he'd last seen the General before standing slowly. Straightening his uniform with a deliberateness that was out of character, Jack strode towards large panoramic windows that doubled as doors to the balcony. They were all standing open, letting the cool mountain air into the packed room.

The balcony itself was long, wrapping halfway around the building. It was wide too; thirty feet from door to wooden railing. Jack strode purposefully to the polished railing and looked out at the darkening sky. The mountains were an ominous shade of indigo, with streaks of red cutting across the craggy surface from the dying sun.

"It's amazing," a familiar voice said from behind Jack. "I've seen hundreds of alien sunsets…yet I still find Earth's to be the most beautiful."

"That was very…_sappy_," Jack turned. "Daniel."

"Jack." Daniel had his hands buried in the pockets of his trousers.

Jack rolled his eyes a little before turning back around and leaning his forearms on the rail. "Chilly." He remarked intelligently.

"Yep." Daniel had that distinct 'I-have-something-that-I-really-wanna-say-but-I-wanna-lord-it-over-your-head-first' kind of tone.

"Uh-huh." The Colonel's tone was carefully measured.

"So…Hammond's leaving?"

"Looks like."

"Right."

A few minutes of heavy silence passed. "Alright, Danny-boy. Out with it."

"Hmm? Sorry, out with what?"

Jack turned around and gave the archaeologist a look that clearly said, 'I am not amused.'

"_Oh_." Daniel said as though it had just hit him. "Out with _that_."

"Yes, that." Jack leaned back on the railing.

"What?" Daniel frowned.

"This."

"This what?" Daniel gave Jack a triumphant little half smile.

"Daniel!" Jack barked.

Daniel raised his hands in mock surrender. "It's about Sam."

Jack opened his mouth, but quickly shut it. Daniel sighed. "I found some papers on her desk. _Transfer_ papers, Jack."

Jack's heart jolted. _'What?'_ he thought, suddenly standing up straight, his face rigid. _'Transfer…?' _

"What?" Jack managed to stutter out.

"Yeah." Daniel looked past Jack, towards the still menacing mountains. "To the Pentagon. Some sort of liaison position."

Jack shook his head. "Daniel…I would have been notified if a member of my team was being transferred. It would have to get my approval first."

Daniel sighed and gave Jack a 'you poor clueless man' look. "They weren't from the Pentagon, Jack." He paused, seeing if the older man was getting it. When the silence stretched Daniel continued. "They were in Sam's handwriting. _She's _asking for a transfer."

Jack stood in shocked silence for a moment. "But…it would still have to go through me."

"Yes, _after_ she sent them to Hammond. Far as I know, she just wrote them up a few days ago." Daniel gave him a meaningful look.

With the most monumental mental and physical effort of his life, Jack reigned in his emotions. He schooled his face into a hard mask and measured his voice carefully. "What would you like me to do, Daniel?" the words came out harsher than he had intended.

Daniel's jaw dropped and, for a moment, he was doing a wonderful impression of a goldfish. His mouth reacted without consulting his mind. "Are you _kidding_ me?! Jack, you have to--!" he broke off abruptly and cleared his throat.

Jack raised his eyebrows. "Have to what, Daniel?"

Daniel squeezed his eyes closed and lifted his shoulders as though asking 'why me?' "Nothing, Jack. Forget it."

"Forget--?" Jack stared at the younger man in disbelief. "You just told me that my second is transferring and you want me to forget about it?"

Daniel just shrugged. "A piece of advice, Jack…get your priorities straight."

"They are." Jack nearly growled. Where was Daniel going with this?

Daniel frowned slightly. "I hope so." He said quietly. "Something's gotta give, Jack. Make sure you don't do something you'll regret." With that, Daniel walked back across the deck and disappeared inside.

"What is it with people leaving on dramatically ominous notes?" Jack sighed to himself. "I swear…" he continued to grumble.

"O'Neill." A deep voice said to his left.

"Teal'c." Jack copied the Jaffa's monotone voice. "You aren't here to give me some weird…_cryptic_ advice…are you?"

"Indeed, I am not." Teal'c looked at the shadowed mountains.

"Oh…good." Jack followed Teal'c's gaze. When it became disturbingly apparent that the big man did actually have something to say, Jack gave in. "What?"

"I merely wish to express my concerns." Teal'c bowed slightly.

Jack looked from side to side when he didn't continue. "About what?" He annunciated each syllable, making it clear that he was annoyed.

"For you." Teal'c said. Jack opened his mouth to protest when Teal'c continued. "And Major Carter."

_That_ stopped Jack in his tracks.

"T," Jack spluttered, desperately trying to regain his composure. "If this is about the transfer papers…I already know."

Teal'c cocked his head and looked as close to confused as he ever did. "It is not."

"Oh. Well, okay then." Jack cleared his throat and bounced on his heels.

"I am concerned for the path you and Major Carter are traversing. It will only lead to unpleasant things, O'Neill. You are both competent warriors in matters of battle, but when it comes to matters closer to the heart, I fear that you will never realize the full potential of what lies inside."

Jack blinked once.

Twice.

Three times.

"Whoa, buddy, I think that's the most I've ever heard you say."

"Indeed, O'Neill. It is the most I have ever said." Teal'c inclined his head.

Jack frowned. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Indeed, O'Neill. I have, however, found champagne to be quite…" Teal'c paused, searching for the right word. "Enlightening."

"Enlightening?" Jack almost choked. What was with everyone tonight?

"Remember what I have said, O'Neill." And then Teal'c walked away.

Jack stood for a moment, staring into the restaurant, but not actually seeing anything. He wished George would hurry up with his speech. Jack _really_ wanted to get out of there before anything else happened…or anyone else had more _advice_.

"Sir." Jack started and looked to see his second staring at him with concern.

"Carter." Jack countered automatically, clearing his throat.

"Are you alright, sir?" Sam leaned against the railing and studied her CO. He looked distinctly troubled and he wasn't meeting her eyes.

"Carter…you'd tell me if you were…making any life-_altering_ choices…right?" Jack raised an eyebrow, but focused his gaze somewhere above Sam's left shoulder.

Sam considered for a minute. "Like what, sir?"

"Like a job transfer."

"Of course, sir!" Sam exclaimed, surprised.

Jack finally moved his eyes to meet hers. He knew Carter as well as he knew himself, meaning that he always knew when she was lying. Instead of her eyes being guarded, he found them to be clear and genuinely surprised. Something clicked in Jack's head and he found himself whirling toward the doors.

"Daniel! You little--!" He started as he set off to move across the balcony.

"Colonel!" Sam called, grabbing his elbow. Jack stopped abruptly, but didn't turn around.

He opened and closed his mouth a few times, attempting to sort out the jumbled mess that was currently his brain. He settled for trademark sarcasm. "Carter…assaulting a superior officer is a serious offense."

Sam sighed, but let her hand drop. "Yes, sir." Her voice was low and…disappointed?

Jack furrowed his brow and turned around. "Carter? What's up?"

Sam shook her head and gave him a small, brave smile. "Nothing, sir."

"It's not nothing, Carter." Jack took a few steps closer to her.

"Colonel, I…nevermind. It's nothing to worry about." She smiled again, but quickly averted her eyes to the dark landscape.

Jack sighed heavily. This was truly a night for the books. "Sam." His voice was pitched low, like he was trying to coax a stray cat out of hiding.

Sam closed her eyes briefly, but knew it was no good. Once he said her name, she was lost. "I've heard some things, sir, about the SGC."

"What kind of things?"

"Changes, Colonel. Changes in the chain of command and…changes in protocol."

"Ah." Jack cocked his head. He had also heard the whisperings of these things as well.

Sam fixed him with a calculating stare. "So, you've heard them too." It was a statement, not a question.

"I may have." Jack copied her stance.

Sam had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. "Colonel…are they true? I mean, I know General Hammond is leaving and I know that you're the person he's put up for his replacement, but the regs--?"

Jack's face dropped into such an expression of comical surprise that Sam stopped abruptly. "I must have had too much champagne." Jack said quietly, shaking his head.

"You haven't had any champagne, sir." Sam said before she could stop herself.

Jack's eyes jerked to hers. "Been keeping tabs on me, Carter?"

"No." Her answer was spoken with an almost petulant air.

Jack opened his mouth to respond, but thought better of it. He settled for, "Now, what was this I hear about me…and replacement?"

Sam narrowed her eyes. "You don't know?"

"Does it look like I know?"

"No."

A _very_ long pause.

"Well, then?" Jack raised his eyebrows.

Sam coughed and looked like she was caught in fight or flight mode.

And flight was looking _really_ good.

"What, sir?" _'Ah, good.'_ Sam thought to herself. _'Good old playing dumb.'_

"Carter." Jack growled, drawing himself up to his full height. Anyone else would have been spilling their guts, but Sam knew better.

"Yes, sir?" Sam jumped to a cheeky salute.

"Major--," Jack started threateningly.

"Dad!" Sam's eyes widened.

Jack sighed. "Ouch, Carter. That hurt. I'm not that old, you kn--,"

"Hi, Jack." The voice came from behind him.

Jack froze and squeezed his eyes shut, praying that he had imagined Jacob's voice from behind him. When he opened them, he saw Carter giving him a semi-pitying, semi-amused, and semi-'serves-you-right' look.

Taking a deep breath, Jack put a big smile on and spun around. "Dad! Hey, how's it been? How's it going? What are you doing here?"

Jacob's smile was placid, but his eyes were hardly amused. "Jack, nice to see you too. Did I…_interrupt_…something?" Jacob raised an eyebrow.

"Not at all, da—I mean, sir." Jack gave a charming grin.

"Great, so you won't mind if I borrow my daughter for a minute, would you?" Without waiting for an answer, Jacob continued. "Didn't think so."

He took Sam gently by the arm and led her back towards the inside restaurant. "Carter! We'll finish our little _discussion_ later." Jack called after her.

Sam turned around just inside the door and flashed him a smile.

Jack didn't even bother to try and suppress the warm feeling that spread through him.

**END OF PART ONE**

**A/N: No double entendre, I'm sorry! It's in part two. I just wanted to introduce the setting and hint at the direction before getting into the funny stuff. Also, this way you won't have a ridiculously long chapter.**

**Please R&R!!!!**


	17. Music is the Spice of Life 2

**Chapter 17: Music is the Spice of Life (Part Two)**

**Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.**

**A/N: Sorry it's taken me so long to update!! My life took a huge turn for the worse and I completely forgot about my story!! I am soooo sorry…******

**Okay, so I thought of one more DE. It's gonna be a bonus chapter. Posted ASAP.**

**ENJOY!!!!**

**P.S. This story has a mushy ending. I warned you from the beginning it's a SamJack story…so it ends with SamJack. LOL. I hope you like it!**

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, General George Hammond!" the young Sergeant finished exuberantly, as he clapped and moved quickly away from the podium. General Hammond stood up and straightened his uniform before stepping up to the mic. He cleared his throat and gave the assembled crowd a mock reproving look. They all quieted down.

Except one.

Jack continued clapping for a few seconds, his lone claps echoing around the hall. He never broke eye contact with George; his eyes glinting with humor.

When Sam could stand it no longer, she covered Jack's hands with her own and proceeded to scold him under her breath. Jack slowly dropped his hands and pouted at her. Sam shook her head and continued to scold him.

George stood at the podium for a moment just watching them. They looked like an old married couple. Or a mother scolding a child. George decided he liked the former analogy better; it was less incestual that way.

Shaking his head internally, George cleared his throat again, regaining the room's attention. "Thank you all for coming." Hammond looked down at his prepared speech, but couldn't bring himself to read from it. He looked back up at the sea of faces in front of him.

These men and women…these _soldiers_…fought for their world everyday. They fought for their families, their friends, for people they didn't even _know_. It was an honor to work beside them everyday.

And he was leaving them.

Mind you, he was leaving them in very capable hands, but still…

George felt his heart constrict and a burning behind his eyes. He wouldn't cry; the soldier in him wouldn't allow it. The General had known that the decision to retire would be hard…but he hadn't known just how _hard_ hard can be.

All he wanted was to hand the SGC over to Jack and get the hell out of there.

George smiled nervously and tapped his fingers on the podium. "I had a speech prepared…but I don't think I'm going to read it." He took a deep breath. "Let me start off by saying, it has been an honor to serve with each and every one of you. You give yourselves wholly to your jobs and never give up. Thank you."

George's eyes moved around the room. "As many of you have already figured out, this is not just a "blowing off steam" party…but also my retirement party." A subdued silence followed his words. Only a handful of people looked shocked. Hammond glanced at SG-1's table and saw them glancing sadly at each other. "I hope you've all had a good time. You deserve more nights like this." There was a murmur of assent.

"Having said that, I don't want to take up anymore time. Ladies and gentlemen…it is my distinct pleasure to announce to you my replacement." George smiled proudly. "Men and women of the United States Air Force, I give you…Brigadier General Jack O'Neill!"

The room erupted in applause. George turned his attention to SG-1's table again. Teal'c was clapping and giving Jack a slight bow. Daniel and Sam were on their feet, clapping harder than anyone, beaming madly. Jack, on the other hand, was sitting quite still. His face was unreadable and his eyes shadowed.

He looked very much like he was trying to determine whether or not this was some cruel, elaborate joke. He nearly jumped out of his skin when Sam touched his arm, silently urging him to stand up. Jack did so, but didn't move towards the stage. Both Daniel and Sam shoved him gently and he took a few halting steps forward.

"C'mon, Jack." George cajoled, gesturing with his hand. He smiled in amusement as Jack climbed the steps and moved towards the podium. When he was standing opposite George, Jack cleared his throat and anxiously pulled on his uniform jacket.

"Sir?" The Colonel-Soon-to-Be-General's voice was carefully measured, but slightly disbelieving.

"No, Jack, this isn't a joke." George said, pre-empting the inevitable question. Putting his hand over the mic and leaning closer to Jack so that only he could hear, George said quietly, "I already put in for your promotion, Jack. As my last official order of business, I'm offering you my position as head of the SGC. Do you accept?"

Jack stood stock still for a full minute, unblinking. George looked towards SG-1's table, if not a little nervously. Sam was watching Jack, unaware that Hammond was watching her. Daniel was looking from Sam to Jack and, when he noticed Hammond's look, he shrugged.

Which was rather unhelpful in George's opinion.

"Actually, sir…" George's eyes snapped back to Jack's when the younger man spoke. "I was thinking about, you know, retiring."

Without thinking, George looked back at Sam. Jack caught his glance, but didn't say anything. "Jack…this shouldn't be the end of the line for you." He made to continue, but Jack shook his head.

"There are more important things than moving up through the ranks." Jack's voice was solemn with an edge of meaning in it.

Hammond sighed. "Jack…I'm not supposed to tell you this. Hell…I'm not even supposed to know about this." Jack cocked his head, waiting. "Earlier, when I said that the Air Force is changing…I meant some of the regulations and leniencies, Jack."

"Oh?" George could practically see the barriers shut over Jack's eyes.

"Yes. Jack, take the job. It's not going to hinder any plans you might have." George raised his eyebrows meaningfully.

After another long pause, Jack nodded his head once. The crowd, having seen this, roared with applause again. George stepped away from the microphone and Jack stepped up.

"Hi." _'Wow.'_ Jack rolled his eyes to himself. _'That was possibly the most intelligent thing I've ever said.'_

The crowd laughed appreciatively. "Thank you, _George_," Jack purposely stressed his former commander's name. "For that rousing introduction. Well, since you all know how much I _love _speeches…I'll make this quick."

He paused to let the appreciative laughter die down. "So…this was a night of much change, I guess. I, uh, I hope I can be as good of a leader as you deserve." Jack stopped, not knowing what else to say. His roving eyes locked with Sam's and his mind went even more blank than usual. "So…a toast to General Hammond." Jack nodded as they all raised their glasses. "And to you."

"Here, here." Daniel said and everyone drank and clapped. Jack nodded to them and stepped away from the podium.

"George." Jack smiled as the former General moved to shake his hand. "It's been an honor, sir."

"That it has." George smiled and downed the rest of his champagne.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

An hour later found the ballroom full of dancing Air Force officers. Tables had been set up around the dance floor, but most seats were empty. The lights had been dimmed and a disco ball flashed with multi-colored lights as the music pulsed through the speakers.

Sam, Daniel, and Jack sat at a table off the right side of the dance floor all watching with amusement as Teal'c was dragged around the floor by four women from the Marine demographic of the SGC. Sam had said they felt that Teal'c was a _real_ man and all others of the male species paled in comparison. Jack had scoffed self-righteously and Daniel had leaned over to Sam and whispered, "But I bet you disagree."

Sam had swallowed reflexively her eyes snapping to Jack before she could stop herself. "I thought so." Daniel said smiling proudly. He prided himself on being one of only three people who could tease Sam about her oh-so-obvious thing for Jack.

Daniel knew, however, that that "thing" had long since developed into love. And that scared the crap out of Sam.

"Alright, alright, alright! Ladies and gentleman! Movers and shakers! It's that time of the night!" The DJ announced loudly over the microphone. Sam, Jack, and Daniel looked at each other, all equally perplexed.

"Movers and shakers?" Sam muttered, rolling her eyes. Jack and Daniel laughed.

"What time of the night?" Jack asked, leaning his elbows on the table.

"I'm sure he'll tell us." Daniel said as the DJ began speaking again.

"All you guys out there grab a gal-pal and sweep her off to the dance floor! It's slow dance time…" The overly exuberant DJ shot a glance to the former General of the SGC as he said the last part. The older man nodded to him and diverted his glance to a pretty blonde officer and an older man.

Daniel looked between Sam and Jack, just barely managing to keep himself from bouncing up and down in anticipation.

And frustration.

'_I swear…,'_ Daniel thought. _'Two of the bravest people in the world…they can fight aliens and Goa-uld without batting an eye…but ask them to do a simple thing like dance and they become cowards!'_

"Janet!" Daniel called out. The small woman turned and smiled at Daniel.

"Daniel."

"May I have this dance?" Daniel gave her an exaggerated bow and she giggled.

"You may." Catching Daniel's nod towards Sam and Jack (who were actively avoiding each other's gaze) she turned to Sam. "Sam, you're not gonna sit this one out are you? I'll bet that cute Major from SG-6 would just _love_ to spin you onto the dance floor."

Jack jerked almost imperceptibly and finally let himself meet his 2IC's gaze. "Carter? You, uh, wanna dance?" Jack paused, rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously. "With me." He added unnecessarily.

Janet and Daniel smiled at each other quietly backing away from the pair. Daniel took the doctor by the hand and pulled her onto the floor, both soon forgetting about their "shy" friends.

Sam blinked several times. She couldn't believe he was asking her to dance. "Yes, sir. I would like that very much."

Jack smiled and stood from the table offering his hand to Sam. She took it and allowed Jack to lead her onto the dance floor. "And, Carter?" Jack murmured in a low voice as his hand rested on the small of Sam's back.

"Hm?" Sam let her hand fall on Jack's shoulder.

"It's Jack, Sam. When we're dancing…it's Jack." His eyes held Sam's and she felt herself blushing because of the intimacy in his gaze.

"Jack." The foreign words slipped over her lips and she found that she quite enjoyed saying his name.

They spun slowly across the dance floor in silence for a moment before Jack spoke again. "Before…when we were on the balcony…you said something about regulations and change. What did you mean?"

Sam pulled herself from his gaze in order to answer. "I don't know. I thought maybe you would know if any protocols were changing seeing as how, you know, you run the SGC now."

Jack frowned, running calculating eyes over her face. Sam's blush deepened. "Right." Jack cleared his throat. He opened his mouth to question her further when Sam's head perked up. "This song…" she muttered. "I know this song…"

Jack listened for a minute. It seemed familiar, but he couldn't place it. "It's familiar."

Sam closed her eyes and let Jack lead the dance as she inhaled his scent and burned this dance into her memory. She was dancing with the man she loved…but in true Cinderella fashion…she may never get this chance again. Taking a deep breath, she let her head rest on his shoulder.

Sam heard Jack's surprised intake of breath, but he didn't pull away. In fact, he wrapped his arm around her even tighter. Sam smiled and swayed in tune with Jack as the song played around them.

"_Take me slow dancing  
Slow dancing  
She took me slow...dancing  
All night long."_

The name of the band finally came to Sam. She remembered hearing this song several years ago at some military function. "I love U2." Sam sighed, not realizing she had spoken.

"What?" Sam smiled as Jack's voice resonated against her cheek. The music was too loud and he couldn't make out what Sam had said.

Sam lifted her head, blinking contentedly. "I said," she raised her voice to a shout.

Across the room, unbeknownst to the dancing couple, Daniel signaled the DJ who cut the track off, throwing the room into silence.

"I love U2!" Sam finished even as she tried to stop herself. Her mind had registered the utter silence just as the words passed her lips. Jack stopped moving.

As did the rest of the room.

Janet, who had both of her hands covering her mouth and her head buried in Daniel's chest, was trying in vain to hide her laughter. It was no use. It was the only sound in the room.

'_No! No, no, no!' _Sam's mind screamed. _'I meant the band! The band, the band, the band! Oh, please, no…'_ Sam and Jack pulled away from each other at the same time, both blushing furiously.

"General. Major." Both officers turned at the stern voice. George Hammond stood in front of them.

With the President.

Both men were wearing unreadable expressions. Jack gulped.

"Sirs," Sam started in a panic. "That wasn't—I mean—what I just said…" She let out a burst of nervous laughter. "Um…when I said that I-I meant the _band_. The band U2." Sam gave them her brightest smile.

"A band? Called U2? I've never heard of it. Have you George?" President Hayes frowned at Hammond who played along.

"I most certainly have not. What do you two have to say for yourselves?" He demanded in his best General voice.

"Sir, please, I didn't mean anything by it." Sam cursed herself for her quaking voice…which was severely lacking a convincing tone. "I'm so sorry. It's just the music was cut off…and I didn't realize…and the name…didn't mean…" her voice trailed away as both of her superiors glared at her.

"All excuses, Major." The President said disappointedly.

Sam jumped as Jack's hand pressed into the small of her back. Part of her wanted to turn around and shout, "Not helping!" but a bigger part of her wanted to bury her face in his chest and never move for as long as she lived.

"George," Jack said easily. "What's the problem?"

Sam squeezed her eyes shut and fought the urge to run away. Hammond looked at Jack in surprise and the President fought a smile. "Problem? _Problem_?! Your second just announced that she loves you in front of more than half of the SGC!"

"You said it yourself, George. The military is changing and I have to make the right choices. Well, I've just made a very important one." Jack stared hard at George. Something was seriously wrong here. Both Hammond and the President looked ready to burst into laughter.

"Have you now? And what would that be, Jack?" Hayes cocked his head.

Jack smiled. "My first official order of business…is to get something off my chest."

"The floor is yours." George's voice was dripping with false sarcasm.

Jack took a deep breath, praying that his instinct was right. If it was, what he was about to do would garner some applause and whistles. If it wasn't, a shiny new court martial would have his name on it.

"Carter…" Jack gently turned her so that she was facing him. "I love you too." He saw bridled hope and confusion flit through her eyes. "And I don't mean the band."

Sam's jaw dropped.

Along with half the other's in the room.

"Oh…" When her voice failed her, all she could do was smile. Jack smiled too and before she knew it, he had dipped her and captured her mouth with his.

The room erupted in applause, whistles, and calls of "It's about damn time!" and "Finally!"

After an indiscernible amount of time, Jack righted her and leaned his forehead against hers. "I love you, Jack. I really do." Sam breathed, unwilling to face the real world just yet. Jack smiled, but pulled away to look at his superiors. His expression was challenging, but, instead of finding two very unhappy men in front of him, he saw two smiling faces.

He could also swear that he saw Hayes slip Hammond a wad of cash.

But he wouldn't mention that.

"Congratulations, you two. You have the military's full approval and permission. You have mine as well."

Hardly daring to believe it, Jack shook the President's extended hand and then George's. Sam shook Hayes' hand too, but George caught her in a hug. "Your mother would be so proud."

"Thank you." Sam whispered. George was like her second father.

Father.

'_Oh. My. God. DAD!'_

Sam straightened automatically and grabbed Jack's arm intent on reminding him that her father was present and had just witnessed their very public display of affection. "Sir." She hissed out of habit. "My dad--,"

"Is standing right next to you." Her father finished for her as he seemed to appear out of thin air between Jack and Sam.

"Sir." Jack straightened.

"Jack." Jacob looked Jack up and down before sighing. "Well, it's not like I haven't _known_." He clapped Jack on the shoulder. "I accepted my fate a long time ago. Have at it." With that, he turned, kissed Sam's forehead, and disappeared into the crowd.

Sam stared after him, open mouthed. Have at it? Had her father really just said that?

Her questions were answered when Jack kissed her again. Sam grinned and sighed. "That's never gonna get old, is it?"

"Nope." Jack said.

The next hour was filled with congratulations from friends and co-workers, team banter, and stolen kisses.

And, unsurprisingly, the happy couple decided to take the hotel up on their offer of a free room for the night.

One long, happy night.

**The End!!!!**

**A/N: Thank you all so much for reading this story! I hope you enjoyed it! I'm really sad to see it end; writing out the scenarios gave me many weeks of hilarity. ******** Be on the lookout for a bonus chapter. It should be up relatively soon. **

**It won't have anything to do with this story line, other than the fact that it will be SamJack and DanielJanet.**

**Thank You!!!!**

**P.S. Song was "Slow Dancing" by U2**


	18. Bonus

**Bonus Chapter: "Oh, What a Tangled Web We…**_**Weave**_**…"**

**Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.**

**A/N: Thank you to all who have read my story! I'm having some real trouble letting this story go. It's become my "baby" for the past seven months. LOL. So…this may cause some eye rolling, but I may add another one or two chapters to it. LMAO.**

**I actually dreamed this chapter. ******** Of course, in my dream, the segment had a much sappier ending, but for the sake of the story I'll keep it to the usual UST. Haha!**

**ENJOY!!!**

Jack moved down the corridor in a bored haze. Same grey walls…same recycled air…same freakin' mountain. An airman nodded a greeting to Jack who, out of habit, nodded back.

Then did a double take.

Why did every airman in this place look alike?! If he didn't know better, Jack would think that the base only had one airman and he just moved from door to door to give the appearance that there were multiples of him.

Shaking his head and sighing, he continued his all too routine roaming of the base. _'Walls…floor…ceiling…more walls…even more floor…yadda, yadda, yadda.'_ Shoving his hands deep into his pockets he desperately wished for the klaxons to go off, signaling some sort of alien invasion.

He paused, holding his breath. _'Nope.'_ He thought dejectedly. _'Nothing.'_ After a moment he continued walking. Lately action on and off-world had been at a record and painfully boring low.

"_I know something that would spice your life up." _Jack could practically hear the little shoulder-devil version of him whispering in his mind. _"That something comes in a hot, blonde package just waiting for you to unwrap…"_ Jack waited for the clichéd shoulder-angel version of himself to chime in with a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why he _couldn't_ unwrap the would-be spice of his life…but shrugged when no such explanation came.

He had never been one for rules…but her career was too important to him to risk. He would never forgive himself if he let her choose him over the job.

Not that he was so sure that she _would _choose him. Actually, he was fairly certain that she would _not _choose him. Danny-boy and Teal'c on the other hand were not as sure. No, in fact, they thought that, given a choice, Sam would choose him over her job in a heartbeat.

Jack scoffed internally, turned the corner…

And ran smack into Teal'c.

Which was more like running into a wall.

'_Butt meet floor; floor meet butt.'_ Jack thought ruefully as he took the hand Teal'c offered him.

"I am sorry, O'Neill." Teal'c said dispassionately, but with a hint of humor in his eyes. "I did not see you."

"I noticed." Jack smiled to take the sting out of the comment.

"Hey, Jack." Daniel smiled placidly and blinked several times. His not-so-well-hidden amusement would normally have irked Jack, but today…today Jack was just too bored to care.

"Daniel." Jack smiled just as placidly.

"Bored?" Daniel cocked his head, expression not changing.

"Yup."

"Ah."

"Uh-huh."

"I, too, am experiencing a heightened sense of inactivity." Teal'c bowed his head slightly, but smirked inwardly as his friend's heads snapped up to look at him. Clasping his hands behind his back, Teal'c nodded to both of them and walked away. He enjoyed leaving in a subtly dramatic manner after stunning his friends into silence.

With his incredible depth.

Jack shook his head slightly and he and Daniel moved off in the opposite direction. Neither man spoke, but both seemed to have the same destination in mind.

Sam's lab.

When all else failed, bothering Sam was the best cure for boredom. Temporarily, at least.

In order to get to Sam's lab, they would have to get to the elevators and go two levels down. In order to get to the elevators, they had to pass the women's locker room. Which, on an ordinary day, (which both Jack and Daniel had classified today as) would be no cause for excitement.

Unfortunately for them…today was no ordinary day.

………………………………………………………………………………………….

A burst of girly laughter reached Jack and Daniel's ears, causing both men to stop and look at each other incredulously.

"Was that Carter…?" Jack asked, a frown creasing his features. Since when in the hell did Carter _giggle_? Mind you, Jack thought it was the most adorable sound in the world, but…what the hell?

"Yep. And was that Janet?" Daniel asked even thought he didn't need to. Janet had made that same half-giggle, half-yelp the other night…

Daniel shook himself inwardly, clearing his throat. Jack shrugged. "You would know."

"What?" Daniel jerked involuntarily and he cursed inwardly when he saw Jack's look of triumph. "Shut up."

Jack's snarky comeback was cut off by another burst of giggles.

And Sam's voice.

"Wow, Janet, I didn't know you could French!" Sam's voice was filled with laughter and giddiness.

"I can't believe you didn't know how!" Janet countered, a very girlish lilt to her voice.

Jack and Daniel looked at each other in disbelief. "Did you hear what I just heard?" Daniel's voice was low and his eyes were wide.

"Yep." Jack bounced on his heels, his eyes never leaving the door.

"You don't think—I mean…they aren't talking about what I think their talking about." Daniel paused. "Are they?"

Jack shrugged and motioned for Daniel to be quiet.

"Thanks for teaching me." Jack could hear the smile in her voice as plainly as if he were standing in the room looking at her.

"It was my pleasure." Janet was practically purring!

What the hell was going on here?!

"You're a quick study. You got really good towards the end." Janet continued.

"I feel very accomplished. I've always wanted to, you know, _experiment_, but…I guess it never felt right." Sam's voice was conspiratorial.

"Until now." Janet sounded skeptical, but very pleased with herself.

"Until now." Sam confirmed.

Jack closed his eyes and counted to three slowly, wondering if he had finally lost it. "I…can't believe this." Jack spoke slowly and finally moved his eyes to meet Daniel's.

"This can't be real. I'm…dreaming this." Daniel pressed his palms into his eyes.

Jack raised an eyebrow. "Do you often dream about Carter and the doc getting--,"

"Don't even finish that sentence." Daniel glared at Jack.

Jack just smiled.

"Felt good too, you know?" A third, new voice piped in from behind the closed door. "Your hair getting stroked as--," the rest of the sentence was lost to both Jack and Daniel as their brains screamed at them.

With a sick feeling Daniel swallowed hard. "No…no…Jack, that wasn't…" Daniel shook his head at a loss for words.

"Cassie…" Jack breathed, his mind reeling.

At the same time, the two men threw themselves against the door, desperate to stop whatever sick alien body invasion had occurred in the locker room.

Sam, Janet, and Cassie all looked up in surprise, startled at the intrusion.

"Don't move." Jack growled, pointing his zat in the general vicinity of all three women.

"Sir?" Sam said, moving to block Janet and Cassie from the line of fire.

Jack swallowed reflexively as she looked at him. It sounded like her. It _looked _like her.

God, it looked like her.

And she looked pissed.

"Colonel, this is the women's locker room." Sam looked at him closely. Maybe he was possessed by something?

"So? I'm in here all the time. The real Carter would know that." Jack cocked his head, watching her closely.

"The real…? What are you talking about?" Sam paused as his words registered with her. "What do you mean, 'You're in here all the time?'"

Jack blinked. "The real Carter and I talk a lot in here."

"Yeah, I know we do." Sam put her hands out in front of her, palms down, in a placating gesture. "Colonel, give me the zat."

"Forget it." Jack narrowed his eyes. "What have you done with my Carter?"

"Your Carter?" Cassie's head peeked around Sam, an excited look on her face. "Sam! Why didn't you tell me you and Jack are--!" Cassie was cut off when Janet's hand appeared over Cass's mouth.

Jack shook his head, more and more confused by the second. "It's obvious that you three aren't who you're pretending to be."

"With all do respect sir, what the _hell _are you talking about?" Sam glared at Jack and Daniel. "Daniel? Care to explain?"

"If you're the real Sam Carter, tell me something only she and I would know." The words were out before Jack could stop them. "Tell me how I got Carter to leave me behind when we were trapped in Antarctica."

Daniel, Janet, and Cassie all jolted. Left him behind? That wasn't in the report.

Sam's eyes widened and her heart constricted. That had been the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. "You said, 'Sam, I'm dying. Follow my order,'" Sam paused as her throat tightened. "Please."

Jack felt his chest tighten as he remembered the hurt and sadness in her eyes as he begged her to leave him. He lowered the zat and cleared his throat. Tension in the room had become almost unbearable. Sam and Jack were staring at each other, lost in a painful memory that none of the others had known about.

Daniel looked between Sam and Jack. Evidently, that had been the right answer, seeing as how Jack had lowered the zat. "Well, if you're all really who you say you are…what the hell was going on in here?"

"What do you mean?" Janet asked, standing next to Sam, Cassie standing on her other side.

Jack and Daniel looked at each other. "Well, you see…we were walking by…" Daniel started.

"Minding our own business." Jack inserted.

"When we happened to walk past the door." Pause. "To the room." Another pause. "That we're standing in."

The three women looked at each other, sharing similar looks of 'They've gone crazy.'

"And we heard some…_interesting_ things." Jack bounced on the balls of his feet nervously.

"Oh?" Sam unconsciously adopting Jack's stance and trademark sarcasm. "And what _interesting_ things would those be?"

"You were talking about French kissing!" Daniel burst out. "Each other!"

A moment of stunned silence followed Daniel's outburst.

Then all three women burst out into loud, near-maniacal laughter. Cassie fell to her knees, clutching her sides, tears streaming from her eyes. Sam collapsed onto the bench behind her and Janet fell with her. Both women were clutching each other in a futile attempt to remain upright.

Jack and Daniel stared at them like they had gone insane. "There's nothing funny about this!" Jack shouted over the giggling. "It's creepy! And wrong!" His protestations only served to make them laugh harder.

"S-sir…" Sam gasped. "N-n-not French _kissing_! French _braiding_!"

Jack's mouth worked, trying to comprehend what Carter had said. "But you said you didn't know how…and Fraiser was teaching you…and…experimenting…"

Sam wiped her eyes and attempted to regain her composure. "I never learned to French braid, sir. Janet taught me how to on Cassie. I have short hair, so experimenting with hair styles was never big on my agenda."

Jack's brain struggled to comprehend this. "But…Cass…you said it felt good…" Jack choked the last two words out.

Cass giggled. "I'm like a cat. I like my head being petted."

Jack and Daniel breathed identical sighs of relief. No freaky girl kissing girl parties.

Five minutes later some of the amusement had worn off and Sam was feeling a bit offended. "I can't believe you thought I would do…_that_." She turned to face Jack, who was sitting on the bench beside her, close enough so that their arms brushed.

Jack met her gaze and waggled his eyebrows. Sam rolled her eyes, but didn't give up. Jack sighed and shrugged slightly. "It didn't sound very French braid like." Sam raised her eyebrows, but didn't push.

"Hey, where'd Daniel and Janet go?" Sam asked suddenly, frowning.

"To French braid." Jack answered automatically.

"Oh, gross! Don't wanna know!" Cassie covered her ears, giving Jack a look. "I've just remembered that Grandpa George promised me…something. See ya." Cassie shot out of the room with one more disgruntled look towards Jack.

"Nice going." Sam smirked.

"She was bound to find out sooner or later." Jack shrugged, holding Sam's gaze. After a moment of silence, Jack grinned. "You know, Carter, if you were ever to _French_ braid," Jack cocked an eyebrow suggestively. "With, say, Mary Steenbergen…"

Sam shook her head and stood up, heading for the commissary. "Men."

"Hey, wait! What'd I say?" Jack called innocently as he trotted after her. "Carter! Wait up!"

**The End**

**A/N: Hope you liked!**


	19. Bonus 2

**Chapter 19: Location, Location, Location…**

**Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.**

**A/N: Okay, so it's not really a double entendre. Just a dirty idea I came up with. LOL. I was really, really, really bored and this chapter is actually probably pretty bad…but I figured 'what they hey'? So I'm posting it. LOL.**

**ENJOY!!!**

**Again, NOT A DOUBLE ENTENDRE!!! JUST A DIRTY IDEA!!!**

Sam rolled her shoulders uncomfortably and swiped at the damp hair on her forehead. SG-1 hadn't even been on P4X-98something for more than thirty minutes and she was already soaked through with sweat. Her pants were sticking in all the wrong places, her shirt was plastered uncomfortably to her skin, and her jacket was a seriously unwanted item of clothing that just served to hold the heat in. Sam rolled her shoulders again and made a small noise of discomfort in the back of her throat.

She wasn't one to complain about being uncomfortable, but, right now…she just didn't care. It was hot, humid, and the air had an unusual sticky quality to it that wormed its way into her pores and made her skin crawl. She knew her hair was a total loss. Her bangs seemed to be permanently glued to her forehead and the humidity was doing unspeakably bad things to the rest of it.

But what did she care? It wasn't like she was trying to impress anyone. Or, if she was, there was only one person she cared about impressing…and he was completely unattainable. And, so far as she knew…completely uninterested. Sam made that noise at the back of her throat again.

Daniel, who was walking a little ahead of her, turned around at her growl of discomfort and smiled sympathetically. His own hair was flat against his head and his neck was starting to turn red from the unending heat. He had shed his jacket and Sam considered doing the same.

The only thing holding her back was her choice of attire that day. She was completely within regulations…but she hadn't really chosen her shirt with the intent of taking off her jacket. Underneath the BDU jacket she was wearing a thin black tank top that showed way more cleavage than she usually did. In fact, Sam tried not to show off her chest at work. Tried very, very hard not to.

Because it didn't matter. All those fashion magazines said that cleavage was how a woman first says 'hel_lo_' to the opposite sex. Well, at the SGC, she didn't particularly want to say 'hel_lo_' to anyone.

Nope, not her. Nuh-uh.

'_Oh, who am I trying to fool?'_ Sam thought with a thread of anger. It was hot, she was tired, frustrated, lonely, bored (this planet had absolutely nothing of value on it), and she felt disgustingly squishy.

Every time her boot hit the ground she imagined her foot squelching into a pile of sweat. Not a pleasant thought.

Daniel purposely slowed down and moved so that he was walking next to Sam. "Everything alright, Sam?" Behind his glasses, his blue eyes were looking at her earnestly. "You, uh, don't look too…_happy_?"

Despite her increasingly foul and self-pitying mood, Sam smiled. "I'm fine, Daniel. Just anxious, I guess. I'm not exactly used to planets where people or… _things_ aren't trying to study, eat, or kill me."

"The heat's not helping much either, huh?" Daniel grinned and used the back of his sleeve to swipe at his forehead.

Sam shook her head slightly. "No. No, not really." She smiled, hoping Daniel didn't catch the edge in her voice.

But, of course…he did. He touched her shoulder lightly and brought them to a halt. "Sam? Are you sure you're okay?"

Sam opened her mouth to declare, like always, that she was fine. Or F.I.N.E. which was a lot more apt. But, she didn't. Something in her snapped and she just couldn't take it anymore. "You know, Daniel? I'm really not, but you know what will help me a whole lot? Taking off this stupid jacket."

Jack, who was walking a good distance from the rest of his team, turned to ask his second how much longer walking around this hot-as-hell planet was scientifically warranted when he noticed that neither she nor Daniel were actually _walking_. They were stopped a little ways back, but even from this distance Jack could tell that Daniel had on his concerned face.

And he could tell that Carter was definitely not having a good day. _'And how do you know this?'_ An annoyingly taunting voice in the back of Jack's head asked. _'Because I'm an extremely perceptive human being.'_ Jack answered back. When the tinny little voice let the silence draw out, Jack amended his words. _'Okay…scratch that.'_

'_No, no!' _The stupid little voice chimed. _'You are perceptive…but most so when it comes to--,'_

Jack quashed the little voice right there. No way was he letting his thoughts run away from him today. He was in no mood for that. So Carter thought she was the only one not having a good time? Well…he'd show her.

Jack opened his mouth to shout for his lagging teammates to hightail it back to position, when Carter made a sudden, decisive movement. In one smooth motion, she removed her jacket…revealing a very _revealing_ tank top.

Jack's words died on his tongue. He knew that his 2IC hated wearing things that showed off what she considered to be too much skin. She had told him so herself. So shocked was he that he did not hear Teal'c approach him from behind.

The Jaffa had taken point and had been some distance away, but had obviously realized that he had lost the rest of his team. Turning back he had discovered the team's leader staring open-mouthed at Major Carter.

"O'Neill…would it not be wise to return your mouth to a closed position? You may catch fleas." Teal'c's voice rumbled from his chest.

Jack jumped and spun around. "I wasn't staring at Carter!" he announced before realizing that Teal'c had never actually said anything about gawking at Carter. He cleared his throat as Teal'c continued to look at him impassively. "And its flies, Teal'c. Not fleas."

"That is what I said." Teal'c cocked his head and raised an eyebrow, daring Jack to argue.

Jack blinked at the older man before scrubbing his palms over his face. Why was this planet so damn hot?

"Jack?" Daniel's voice sounded from behind Jack, startling the man again.

"What, Daniel?" Jack spun around, coming face to face with Daniel. "Jesus--!" Jack stepped back reflexively, surprised at how close Daniel was.

Unfortunately, he backed right into Teal'c's broad chest. "Gah!" Spinning around so that Teal'c was on his left and Daniel on his right, Jack took several steps away from both of them, hands raised. Looking back and forth between the two of them, he widened his eyes. "Whoa." He said, splaying his fingers. "Both of you need a refresher course in the whole "personal bubble" thing." He stared at them for another moment, before turning exasperatedly around, preparing to walk away from both of them.

Only he never got that far.

He got to the turning around part. But that's where the problem started.

Because his hands were still raised.

And because Carter was standing right behind him wearing only that thin little tanktop.

'_No. God, please, no.'_ Was all Jack had time to think before his hands were suddenly somewhere very forbidden.

Very, very forbidden.

He tried to redirect, but the damage was done. It was too late. Sam's eyes widened as propriety warred with amusement and anger. A nanosecond after Jack's hands had made contact with said forbidden places, Sam took a step back.

Only, an even funnier thing happened.

When she stepped back, his hands were still there.

"Jack!" Daniel yelled when it became clear that Jack's hands weren't moving from their current spot. Daniel knew Jack wasn't a pervert, he didn't purposely feel women up, but…this was Sam.

This was bad.

"Colonel!" Sam choked out, her flaming cheeks having nothing to do with the heat from the planet. Why wasn't he moving away?!

Jack's mouth worked like a fish out of water and his eyes bulged. He yanked on his hands, but that didn't have the intended effect at all.

In fact…it the opposite effect. Sam stumbled into him, Jack's hands squashed between them. "What…the…HELL?!" he choked out, his voice sounding raspy. "Carter, I can't--!" He broke off as both officers continued to struggle.

Thankfully, the tank top had a little stretch to it, so if Sam and Jack both pulled hard enough in opposite directions, his hands were no longer actually touching her chest, but…they were still dangerously close.

"Daniel!" Both officers cried as it became apparent that they weren't getting un-stuck any time soon.

Their only reply, however, was a strangled snort and a badly disguised laugh.

Which was ever so helpful.

Teal'c was staring off into the trees somewhere, his jaw working furiously. Daniel, on the other hand, had not hidden his amusement as well. He was bent over double, hands on his knees, and loud guffaws issuing from his mouth.

When the archaeologist had finally managed to gain some semblance of control over himself, he made to stand back up. Only he didn't get very far. "What the--? Ah, dammit." He muttered as he tried (and failed) to remove his hands from his knees.

"What is going on here!" Jack shouted. His cheeks were hot with embarrassment. _'I don't blush.'_ He thought adamantly. _'Apparently, I do.'_ He thought a second later as his cheeks reddened further. Carter was looking anywhere except at him and was redder than he had ever seen her.

Sam focused her gaze at a rock that was lying on the ground near the Colonel's foot. Her mind was working furiously, but she could hardly hear herself think over the sound of her own heartbeat. It was so loud she was sure that General Hammond back on Earth could hear it. _'That's not possible.'_ Her internal scientist piped up. _'You are more than one hundred thous--,'_

"Shut up!" Sam yelled at both herself and the rest of the team. Surprisingly enough, everyone did shut up. Jack, who had been avoiding her gaze just a studiously as she had been avoiding his, was shocked into meeting her eyes. Daniel had his neck craned uncomfortably so that he, too, could look at her. Teal'c, whose jaw had finally stopped exercising, had trained his eyes on Sam also.

Sam closed her eyes briefly before opening them and turning their full force on the Colonel. If he had been anyone else-- anyone!—she could have handled this situation calmly and effectively.

But this was not anyone else.

This was the Colonel.

He was the one person who should not stir anything but admiration in her, but who, in reality, stirred more in her than anyone else ever had.

She couldn't think with all of them shouting and/or laughing. Sam took a deep breath, but didn't break eye contact with her CO. "Colonel…are you sure that you can't let go?"

"Yes, Carter." Jack answered through clenched teeth. "I am sure that I can't let go." _'Why her?'_ Jack mentally threw his hands in the air. _'Why did it have to be her?'_ Jack (who may or may not have thought about doing this a whole bunch of times) had never pictured it like this. Carter deserved more than he could ever give her.

Not that she would ever give him the time of day.

"Jack, are you sure?" Daniel, whose neck was still tilted uncomfortably, had a odd edge to his voice. He knew that the officers had feelings for one another…and he also knew that neither one of them was aware that the feeling were _mutual_. And, while Daniel knew that Jack was no lecher…

The heat can do strange things to people.

And their inhibitions.

Jack turned wide, slightly betrayed eyes on Daniel. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I was just—I mean you…a-and Sam…nevermind." Daniel dropped his head in order to hide his smile.

"Would it not be wise, Daniel Jackson, if we concentrated on disengaging O'Neill's hands from Major Carter's--," Teal'c started, but Jack cut him off.

"Teal'c!" It was more of a bark than anything else. "Not so much with the helping." Jack, momentarily forgetting their predicament, went to move his hands in a 'cut it out' gesture. Instead of having the intended effect, it only served to stretch Sam's shirt across her chest and pull her closer to him.

"Sir." Her voice was low and distracted. Her reaction was pure instinct. She knew he was doing something that he shouldn't be, but her mind wasn't there. Her eyes had a faraway look in them that Jack knew from experience was only a preamble to a whole lot of technobabble.

Daniel cocked his head. "Hey, Sam…I bet you're wishing you hadn't taken off you're jacket, huh? At least then you could just unzip it and it would be problem solved."

"Funny." Jack glared at the younger man.

"I thought so." Daniel shot back.

"Major Carter." Teal'c cut across the two men. "Why is it that this adhesive reaction is only occurring now?"

"Yeah." Daniel jumped in. "How come my hand didn't stick to your arm and your hands didn't stick to your jacket?"

Sam glanced at Daniel and Teal'c. "I don't know…maybe the reaction only takes place after a certain amount of time. I don't know about you guys, but I thought the air had a vaguely sticky quality to it."

"Okay, we can discuss the how's and why's later." Jack said impatiently, trying very hard not to be aware of how close he and Carter were. "Right now, I'm more interested in undoing it."

"Undoing it meaning Sam's shirt." Daniel muttered under his breath, annoyed as his neck started to ache.

"What?" Both officers whipped around to glare at Daniel. Which was actually a really bad idea. Jack, who had turned first, pulled Carter off balance and they both tumbled to the ground.

Sam landed on top of Jack, forcing Jack to essentially grab her chest even harder and put his elbows at an awkward angle to the rest of his body.

"Carter!" Jack yelled even though it was his fault. He had no idea what he was going to do because, not only was skin-to-cloth adhesive, but cloth-to-cloth was too. Now, he and Carter were stuck together from head to toe. Her head was nestled in the crook of his neck and his chin was stuck to the top of her head.

God_damn_.

Daniel cracked up as soon as it became apparent that neither officer could move. His knees hit the floor, which squashed his fingers, but he was laughing too hard to care. Teal'c's mouth was twitching and it looked like he was making a Herculean effort not to smile.

And, despite their mutual (it was mutual even though neither one was aware of the other's feelings) more-than-CO-and-2IC feelings and the really awkward circumstances, it was too much for Jack and Sam

They cracked up too. Sam had long since given up on ever having a _relationship_ with the Colonel so she'd take what she could get. So Sam and Jack laughed until both had the startling realization of how they were going to get out of this predicament. Simultaneously, their laughter spluttered out.

"Colonel…"

"Don't say it, Carter. That's an order."

"Sir, they're going to have to cut--,"

"Carter!"

"Sorry, sir." Sam closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Carter…could you not…do that?" Jack's voice sounded strained and Sam felt her cheeks flare with heat.

"Sorry." It was barely more than a whisper.

Jack squeezed his eyes shut and tried very heard to control his heartbeat…among other things. He was aware of every inch of his second and the way her breath whispered across his throat.

'_Dammit. It had to be us.' _Jack mentally complained.

He was well aware of how they were going to have to be separated. They'd have to call in reinforcements, who would have to cut away all of their clothes, leaving them in only their skivvies and a permanent blush. God…

Jack shifted absentmindedly as a piece of Carter's hair tickled his mouth. _'Oh, no…'_

They were going to have to cut Carter's hair.

She was going to _kill_ him.

**Hope you liked!! No flames, please! BTW: F.I.N.E stands for Freaked out. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.**


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